Bedroom fiasco

Daddy Oh

Tony Robinson

Sunday, September 09, 2012

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In kissing, do you render

Or receive?

The kiss you take

Is better than you give.

— Shakespeare, Troilus and Cressida IV, 5

Is whispering nothing?

Is leaning cheek to cheek?

Is meeting noses?

Kissing with inside lip...

Is this nothing?

Walk in on someone carrying out that last quote and then answer the question yourself. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Trust me, it's not nothing, it's something. As you may deduce, this week's piece has to do with kissing, affection, romance and what goes on between two people in love... or lust.

I had to use two quotes from Shakespeare this week to reinforce my findings; the first points to the fact that the kiss you receive is better than the kiss that you give, while the other questions what happens when whispering, going cheek to cheek and deep kissing is done. Ahh, deep kissing, also called the French Kiss, but it certainly gives pleasure to those in many other countries, both to the giver and the recipient.

A kiss, a simple meeting of the lips, can mean so much, and whereas animals do not kiss like humans do, they still show affection by rubbing noses, grooming each other and nibbling each other's ears and such. All these sometimes lead to the sex act, but not necessarily all the time.

In humans though, it can lead to sex... sometimes... if you're lucky. But there are many people who have no clue about affection, romance or sex, and are so in the dark when they're in the dark, that not even a floodlight can help them. This usually ends up in a bedroom fiasco, as we'll see, right after these letters.

Hey Tony,

'Young girls diary' was an eye opener. At a time when the authorities are highlighting the increase in cases of sexual activity among youngsters, it is interesting that you should write about the exploits of young girls in our society. We cannot sweep this one under the carpet, and I share the passion of that senior policewoman who speaks so passionately about this problem.

And although your article was tinged with wry humour, the reality was not lost. Young girls are growing up too fast, and often have no childhood. Innocence lost can never be regained, and any mother who allows her daughter to give away her virtue, or any man who exploits this, and any father who takes advantage, should all be condemned.


Daddy Oh,

Do you know why these young girls are the way they are? Do you know why they take men old enough to be their father? Do you know why they do womanly acts while still children? I blame lack of parenting and exposure to loose morals on cable TV and the Internet. Those acts that are portrayed all seem normal to impressionable minds, so monkey see, monkey do. These young girls are not monkeys, but they do mimic what they see, and fiction becomes their reality.


There is a book called the Kama Sutra, written in India many years ago, that should be the bible of love-making for all couples who wish to have a happy bedroom life. Interestingly, that book was not just a sex manual as widely thought, but presents itself as a guide to gracious living that discusses the nature of love, family life and other aspects pertaining to pleasure oriented faculties of human life.

Many of you may not like to say it, but a healthy sex life is of paramount importance if any couple wants to have a meaningful relationship. Even so, it's spoken of in whispers, and is a taboo subject until the problems get so great that the relationship crumbles and everyone wonders what went wrong.

"Is how dem mash up already and they seemed so fine on the outside?" With all the good intentions and goodness in the world, with all the generosity, honour, nobility and strong moral fibre of the man, if the sex isn't good, the marriage is going to be in trouble. And that goes for women too, for even if the woman looks like a beauty queen, and is the greatest cook and homemaker in the world, if she's not good or willing in the sack, then the relationship will be in trouble.

No wonder so many people write to the advice columns and call the radio shows seeking advice, because as far as they're concerned, they're experiencing a bedroom fiasco when the lights go out, and they want solutions. It's a pity that more emphasis is not placed on affection, romance and sex when couples plan to take the plunge.

They are advised on finances, homemaking, communication and other stuff, but rarely what to do in detail in the bedroom. Instead it's glossed over with statements such as, "Oh, it will work itself out, and everything will be fine once the lights go out."

But it often doesn't work that way, and everyone needs a set of rules and guidelines to avoid having a bedroom fiasco. People are taught everything else, so why not that? Instead, they have to learn from rumours, old wive's tales, and street talk about sex.

I go back to the Kama Sutra, which highlights in detail, hundreds of different sexual positions, complete with illustrations, that couples can try to spice up their relationship. I daresay, that book was not on the 'must read' list for many years, and was actually banned in some countries for a number of years. It's now available worldwide, except in some strict Middle Eastern countries. And yes, I read it many years ago.

I also saw the Israeli movie Bedroom Marzurka, that was both funny and educational. But apart from that, I received an e-mail last week that outlined the things that people do not do and the problems that occur because of their lack of information. This applies to both men and women who contribute equally to the bedroom fiasco that besets them.

Now let's take kissing, which as Shakespeare said, is a most pleasurable act and is often a prelude to the big thing. Sadly, many men do not take the time to kiss their women often enough or even at all. And yet a kiss is such a personal and pleasurable act. So much so, that even prostitutes will have all sorts of sex with various men, but will not kiss them.

"Sex is sex, just business, but a kiss means that I really care about the person, so no kissing the client," is what they say. Some may even offer special deals, such as, "If you can handle the first three minutes good, then the next 27 minutes are free." Others charge by the minute, as opposed to charging per second. So many deals, but none include kissing. So you can see the importance of kissing, and yet, so many men fall woefully short in this department, resulting in the bedroom fiasco, as the women are left feeling wanting.

"He just wants to start so, not even a kiss, a hug or anything. I love to kiss," I've heard women say. This lady even asked her husband once, "Why can't you kiss me like those movie stars do in love scenes?" His reply was, "Do you know how much those stars are paid?"

But hey, women fall short too, so do not believe that it's only men who contribute to the bedroom fiasco. Some women act as if it's their duty, and not an act of mutual pleasure, so they virtually grit their teeth and endure it until it's all over. "Man, she wouldn't do a thing, she just lay there and stare at the ceiling until I was finished," this guy said. People are not educated enough in this department, hence the numerous problems that many couples experience.

Another reason for the bedroom fiasco is that many women never make the first move, and as one frustrated husband said, "I could wait till kingdom come, if I don't suggest anything or make that first move, nothing going to happen at all." Sad to say, I have heard wives say that it's a man's prerogative to initiate sex, and if she does, she would be deemed improper.

No wonder many men feel unwanted and just feel as if their wives are doing them a favour. It's also little wonder that some men have mistresses on the side, as there is no fiasco in the bedroom of the mistress. After all, a mistress serves the purpose of filling all those needs that the wife does not... so I've heard.

It is a common cry of men that their wives do not do all the things that they want, and almost equally, is the cry of women that their husbands do not show enough affection, but just go straight for the jugular when he's in the mood.

If walls could talk, what a tale they would tell. Stories of couples who have no experience in the love-making department, and have no one to turn to for advice, would make up their history. The advice columns and Dear Pastor can only do so much, but cannot get into the nitty gritty details. There are tales of two virgins on a wedding night, bumbling and fumbling their way through what should have been a night of pleasure. "Pinch what, leave what inch where, roll what? I'm so confused."

There are stories of wives locking themselves in closets for fear of facing their wifely marital duties. And there are chronicles of men who start and finish quicker than the Olympic 100 meters race. What a fiasco, a bedroom fiasco.

I suggest that couples should take the time to educate themselves about these matters, as they are as important as all other aspects of any relationship. In other words, without the sex education, your bedroom life will be one big fiasco.

More time.

Footnote: I'm not knocking our weather forecasters, but I do have to question why they often get it so wrong. I know that forecasting weather is often hit and miss, as breeze blows where it wants, when it wants, and changes as it will. But let's take the recent Hurricane Isaac. When I watched The Weather Channel, I saw where the storm was heading, way up to Haiti, and above Cuba and beyond.

I knew that based on the size, our North Coast would feel some effects of rain. And yet, our weather experts forecast torrential rain and floods for the entire island, resulting in the cancellation of many events. Not one drop of rain fell in Kingston, and I was not surprised.

When you alarm people so much, you will lose credibility, just like the boy who cried wolf too often. After a while, people won't take them seriously, and I have been hearing this complaint on the street more frequently.

I watch The Weather Channel and then watch our weather folks who so often give different information, and I wonder where they get their data from.




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