WHEN in love it's natural to want to do most, if not everything, to make your partner happy. Unfortunately sometimes, especially if your significant other realises that you are blinded by emotions, they will abuse your trust by making demands and tall orders that a loving caring partner never would.
Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell said that it is important that you learn to differentiate between what is a reasonable request and one that is dangerous and/or manipulative and controlling. Below he shares 10 things that your partner should never ask you to do.
1. To stray away from your comfort level
Fulfilling each other's needs in a relationship is very important; however, respecting each other's choices is even more important. The bedroom is one of those places where a manipulative partner often tries to control and be more possessive of their significant other. If your partner asks you to go against your rules and coerces you to partake in something that makes you uncomfortable, this is a clear indication that he has no or very little regard for you.
2. To change yourself completely
It's weird when initially you seem like everything that they ever wanted, but sooner than later they begin to request that you change the way you look and/or operate, and even your personality. It is clear then that your significant other thought you were the ideal “project”, not partner, that he could mould into his idea of the perfect partner. If you subject to your partner's will you'll quickly realise that you don't recognise yourself anymore, and may subsequently have to deal with a host of self-abandonment issues including loving yourself.
3. To violate the law of the land
We all know the famous line, “if you love me then you will”. Some people are so motivated by money that they may be tempted to manipulate a partner so blinded by love. If he is willing to put your freedom at risk, then you should know that he does not have your best interest at heart. You should not risk being locked away just because of them.
4. To do something that you will regret for the rest of your life
This could be anything, but some of the common things we hear include an abortion, to abandon something that you love doing, or to try a substance. If your partner forces you to do something against your will and that he knows you will or may regret, that's selfish.
5. To overlook toxic behaviour
No relationship is perfect and certainly, no human being is either. This means that we will make mistakes that will potentially hurt our significant others. If the partner responds to behaviours such as violent outbursts, cheating, or being caught in a lie, for example, with phrases such as “get over it”, “it's all because of you; you made me do it”, or “so what it happened; deal with it!”, it is clear that they are trying to force you to forgive them when they have no remorse for their actions. It also suggests that they may do it again or have been doing it for a while and will continue to expect forgiveness.
6. To give up something important for them
He doesn't want you doing it so he asks or even pressures you to give it up—something like school, a hobby or a job opportunity. A partner who feels okay asking you to sacrifice a piece of your identity or something that forms a huge part of your happiness is toxic.
7. To change your religion or denomination
Unless it is that you have a conversation and decide that you are willing to consider converting or changing denominations then it is unreasonable for your partner to ask you to do so. Respect in a relationship also extends to acknowledging that your partner has his/her right to an individual system of values and beliefs. Your spirituality is a large part of who you are and you should not have to surrender these unless it is your (uninfluenced) decision to change.
8. To do something that terrifies you
Have you heard the common phrase, “what is a joke to you is death to a next man”? Your partner should not downplay your fears just because it does not affect them. His job is not to make you more terrified than you already are, it is to encourage you and prepare you for when you may be ready, if ever, to address these fears.
9. To ditch friends and family
Your partner should never ask you to ditch friends or family. Chances are, if you are being asked this, especially after he uses words such as “we need to spend more time with each other; you are always with them”, or “you care more about your friends or family”, just because you take a weekend to visit your family, your significant other is trying to isolate you. If he tells you that you are not allowed to hang out with your family or friends, this is an obvious sign that he believes that you are a possession. In this case, it is best to get out of that manipulate dynamic because it is no longer a relationship.
10. To downplay accomplishments
If he makes you feel bad about your decisions to advance yourself or asks you to quit your job or not take a promotion because it makes him look weaker, you know that this person is competing and does not have your best interest at heart. They are insecure and if you play into their hands, then you might also lose your confidence. If your partner cannot be happy for you then it is a sign that you have outgrown them and you need to move on.