I don't like my husband

All Woman

Dear Counsellor,

I am 24 years old and recently got married. I still love my ex-boyfriend and I am trying to forget him, but my husband's behaviour is driving me back into his arms. My husband is awkward — he always wants me to initiate things in bed which I don't like. He never tries to impress me, and only irritates me.

My ex-boyfriend is a good friend of mine. He listens to all my problems and suggests that I take care of my marital life. He feels bad because my marriage is not going well, as I am neglecting my husband thinking about him. I do not like my husband, as he is very childish, cries at the slightest thing, and doesn't know how to talk to women.

People get married for various reasons, and I wonder what yours were, because you seem to have little or no emotional connection with your husband. What was your dating experience like? Did you not see some of your husband's shortcomings during the courtship period? I am sure his childish behaviour was not hidden all that time. Is it that you noticed the red flags but chose to overlook them, hoping that after the fanfare of the wedding he would suddenly become the man to replace your ex?

I am not aware of your circumstances, but I wonder why you did not marry your ex if you both have such a good connection. Obviously, something must have happened why he was relegated to the ex status. Remember, the prefix “ex” means former, which denotes the past. Are you sure you are not trying to relive the past?

There is always going to be the comparison between the ex and the present partner, and sometimes the current relationship is not given a fair chance to grow, as one of the partners is looking in the rear-view mirror while driving ahead. While the former partner has the benefit of history, if a decision was made to end that relationship, then there should be some boundary lines drawn as far as the ex-partner is concerned.

As you have indicated, your ex is a good friend of yours and there is nothing wrong with that, except that you now have a husband. He is the one, not your ex, who should be spending quality time with you daily.

So you are not satisfied with your husband's approach to lovemaking. Have you both sat down and talked about the issue, or are you expecting him to display similar lovemaking skills as your ex-partner?

The more you complain to your ex about what is happening or not happening in your marriage, the more emotionally connected you will become with him. This will no doubt lead to infidelity, and blaming your husband will not excuse you from culpability.

It is not too early for you and your husband to seek counselling. So instead of trying to find a reason to run back to your ex, use the time and effort to try and fix your marriage. If your efforts fail, then you might have to consider separation, temporary or otherwise.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.

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