I have never stopped loving my ex

All Woman

Dear Counsellor,
I dated my ex-boyfriend for six years and due to some misunderstandings we separated, but never broke up. I later met my husband.

I have never stopped loving my ex. Six months after my wedding he came back and I wasn't able to resist him. Because I love him so much, my heart hurts badly. I am a Christian and I fear lying or doing something bad. My husband is a nice man but not emotional; he never takes me out, never plays with me, and we hardly have husband and a wife time because he's always busy with his phone.

I visited my ex twice but I was afraid to give in, although he persisted. He always calls and begs me to come back to him, saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Because I was in love with my ex before I met my husband, it makes it very difficult. I don't want to break my husband's heart, but I can't stop crying over my ex and I don't want to divorce my husband either. I am in a tight corner. Please help.

Being torn between two lovers is certainly not a comfortable place to be, especially when one is your legitimate partner (husband) and the other your ex-partner.

It's very instructive when you said that you and your ex-boyfriend separated but never broke up, which simply means that there was no closure on that separation. The door was never closed or locked so it was just a matter of time before he would gain access through the open door of your heart.

It appears that whatever caused the separation could have been resolved had you both sat and discussed the issues amicably. You may have moved into a rebound relationship while you were grieving the loss and so were very susceptible to getting involved in a new relationship based on emotions only.

You have declared that you are unable to resist your ex-partner's strong feelings for you and have visited him twice. This is when you must make your head (intellect) govern your heart (feelings). If you know you have a weakness for this man then staying away from him would be the sensible thing to do, as difficult as it might be.

Consider too that you made a public declaration to be committed to your husband when you said your vows on your wedding day. He would have been assured that you would have left the past behind and would be faithful to him only. Certainly, he never married you to be shared with someone else, worst of all your ex.

So you are comparing both men and find shortcomings with your husband. As much as these deficiencies may be disconcerting to you, they are fixable and should not be an excuse to run into the arms of your ex. Have a conversation with your husband, sharing with him your concerns. Hopefully he will accept the criticisms and make improvements.

A word to partners in relationships — do give your significant others undivided attention and park the cellphones. Enough said.

You need to focus on your marriage and your husband as the distraction from your ex will let you engage in activities that you will regret, causing more stress and strain on you and the marital relationship.

You should avoid contact with Mr Mention as his agenda is to direct you into a path that will satisfy his selfish desires. He ought to respect the fact that you have committed your time and effort to someone else and that he too needs to move on and not complicate your life.

Be strong and all the best.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.




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