I want to tell his wife about us

All Woman

Dear Counsellor,

I was in a relationship with my married boss for seven years. I often felt bad about it and tried to break it off, but he would never let me go. I had fallen in love with him, but once I realised that he was not going to leave his wife I tried to keep my distance.

One day we had a huge fight and I left the job. Fifteen days later, he communicated by text and asked to see me, wanting to apologise. I told him that he had used me, and he then blocked my number. This really hurts. I want to tell his wife about us. Should I tell her?

Office romances, if not handled responsibly, can cause much embarrassment and awkwardness for the people involved. You had an affair with your boss, and it dawned on you after seven years that he had no intention of leaving his wife. As the side chick, did you really believe that he was going to get rid of his wife and marry you?

Most married men will always make empty promises just to get what they desire, and the sad thing is that many women fall for this manipulative behaviour. It's unfortunate that you remained in this untenable situation for seven years and did not see that your boss was trying to juggle both his office affair and his home commitments.

The challenge with office romances is that even though you may have access to the man during work hours, it's the after-work times that pose the greatest issue as he must head home, giving you less quality time.

There are some women who accept their secondary role and don't expect more than they receive. But you became emotionally attached to this man and wanted to have him exclusively. Seeing him every day and knowing that you couldn't claim him as your own caused you much anxiety and resentment.

Inevitably, as with many offices romances, a blow-up eventually took place. Now that the relationship has ended, you are bitter, as you feel you have wasted seven years of your life. However, you really must take some responsibility for your role in the relationship. All the blame can't be laid at his feet, because you were a willing participant.

Is there any lesson to be learned from this experience? When it comes to relationships, one should not be nave. You must make your head rule your heart.

What would you have to gain by informing this man's wife about his affair with you? Would it drive him into your arms? Contemplate this before you make that decision. Or is it that you want to make his life as miserable as he has made yours? Whatever decision you make, just be sure that you will sleep well at nights afterwards.

In life we must take responsibility for our actions and deal with the consequences. The greatest lesson is not to make the same mistake twice. Take care of yourself.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.

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