Marriage regrets

All Woman

Dear Counsellor,

I am 29 years old and I've been married for two years. We have one child. Before marriage I loved a man who also wanted to marry me, but due to unmatched horoscopes and no family support because of this, I said no. He is now married too, but is unhappy with his wife. We have talked over WhatsApp, but recently he has been avoiding my calls and even blocked my number. He sent a text message saying that he is in an awful mess, but he will call me.

He wanted to live a happy life with me and I so want to reach out to him, but he is avoiding my calls. I love and care for my husband, but I do love my ex a lot. What should I do?

Obviously horoscopes played a pivotal role in deciding on a partner, and your parents disapproved of the marriage between you and the love of your life due to the non-alignment of the stars.

Your friend was prepared to break ranks and marry you, but you chose not to join him in that departure plan. Fast-forward two years later when both of you are married to other people and seem to be wondering if you made the right choices. But here is the thing: you made a decision.

The marital vows, “…forsaking all others”, simply means that you should stay focused on the one you chose and avoid distraction from other admirers, including your ex. There will always be the thought that things might have been better if you had chosen him. However, marriage is a whole different ball game from just dating. And as situations change, people alter their attitudes and behaviour that may not be in keeping with expectations.

If the gentleman has blocked your number, it is obvious that he either does not wish to be distracted by you and wants to stay focused on his marriage, or he was instructed by his wife to cease interaction with you. It is true what the song says: “Memories don't leave like people do”, and in your case, it may be better to let bygones be bygones. The gentleman may be having challenges in his marriage, but there is nothing to say that he and his wife can't work through their issues. So don't use this as a reason to want to help him out. He will sort out his life, and you should sort out yours. Remember that you have a husband that you love and a child who needs your full attention, so please avoid any kind of distraction that could upset your marriage and family life.

You are depressed because you feel rejected by your ex and are unable to connect emotionally with him. If you continue to pursue him, you will only dig yourself into a deeper hole. As difficult as it may be, it is in your best interest and the interest of all concerned to close the chapter of your life called “If I could turn back the hands of time” and open the chapter entitled, “I will work with what I have.”

I wish you all the best.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.

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