All Woman

Surprise! Inexperienced newly-weds tell the strange things they discovered after the wedding

Monday, October 21, 2019

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EVEN though marriage statistics are showing that the great majority of this generation is eschewing marriage for the debauchery of shacking up and revelling in fornication, there is still a small subset of the population that prefers to wait for a husband or wife before intimately knowing someone and to experience life and love together with this person. Steeped in their faith or personal conviction that chastity before wedlock is divinely ordained, the level of exposure to the ways of the world is determined largely by what one's particular beliefs dictate.

And so whether one indulges in handholding or kissing, brief touches or pre-wedding cuddling, varies depending on doctrine, and for some couples, exposure to anything remotely related to the opposite sex comes after the wedding, in the honeymoon suite. And as the people below share, buying puss in bag was one thing, but discovering certain quirks about their partners was a whole other ball game.

 

Tanesha, 40:

I met some members from this particular church on campus at UWI — in those days they would corner you even in the bathrooms to spread their message. Nevertheless, despite the fact that they were annoying, I agreed to visit a Sunday service and enjoyed it enough to go back a few times. Everything happened quickly after that and I was introduced to a guy — a handsome, tall drink of water who the elder claimed he had seen in a vision as my husband. We were very compatible, and a whirlwind courtship followed. Can you tell that I was also heavily into Harlequin romances? Anyway, literally within a year we were to be married — this after just hanging out in group dates at Devon House and at Bible study. I guess the elders didn't want any temptation or fornication so lots of young people were being married off. I didn't know my fiancé though; we had kissed but nothing too deep. Well the wedding night was... interesting. Have you seen Borat in the mankini? Sasquatch? My hubby was literally hairy all over... plenty tufts and tufts of hair and I was so grossed out. It took years of marriage before I could convince him to trim some, and I couldn't stomach being intimate with him for years.

 

David, 36:

I've been in church since I was a child and I guess everyone expected me to marry someone with the same background. My ex-wife also grew up in the church, but when it came time for college she abandoned her faith for a couple years, and as Jamaicans say, 'bruk out'. Like the prodigal son she came back after graduating though, and against my parents' wishes we started dating as she had atoned for her sins and confessed to me that she had only been with one guy, one time. Her secret wasn't discovered on our wedding night, but a few months later she had a miscarriage and I accompanied her to the doctor as it was a devastating time for us as a couple. She had to do a D&C, and as the nurse went through her chart she sought to reassure her, “Don't worry, you've only had two D&Cs, some women have more and go on to have healthy pregnancies.” The nurse assumed that I knew, and when I confronted my wife afterwards, she admitted that she had been pregnant before, had been with more than one person, and was even wilder than I had imagined in college. The marriage fizzled after that.

 

Mirandah, 37:

This is kind of funny...and cute... and scary. My husband doesn't just sleepwalk — he will fall asleep normally then I will wake up to find him sitting up and it's the strangest thing. He is still fast asleep, and if you see him you would think he's awake, but he's not. The first time he did it I had a full on conversation with him, not realising, then I attempted to seduce him, and got mad at him for not responding. I continued, hoping I could turn him on, and he reacted by reflexively punching me on the side of my head.

 

Lauren, 32:

I've just been married one tumultuous year, so I can't say yet whether this one will be for the long haul, because I'm not sure that this is something I can handle long-term. This wasn't exactly the typical puss in bag situation as we were intimate before marriage and it was OK, sometimes even mind-blowing, but most of the time he was the perfect gentleman who didn't request sex. After the wedding it was my husband's emotional issues that came as a surprise — deep rooted emotional issues and sexual fears that I'm just discovering day by day. Example, he can't stomach touching me down there, and that's interesting. He also refuses to touch himself apart from briefly, so there's no self pleasure. So if I don't want sex or can't have sex he can go weeks without because he won't please himself. He also won't touch me if I haven't showered — no hugs, no touching at all — he scoots to one side of the bed like he scorns me! So you can just imagine what our love life is like.

 

Lexi, 30:

My wife has OCD, at least I think it's OCD — she has this obsession with cleanliness not just for her surroundings, but her body. I found out after we married just how crazy this is. One example — after going number two she doesn't use toilet paper because she says it's gross. So no matter what the day, hour, activity we're doing or whatever, if she goes number two she has to get in the shower to bathe and clean herself, even if she just showered previously.

 

Eloise, 54:

My husband passed away, God rest his soul, so I don't feel so embarrassed sharing this now. But a little after we were married he asked if I truly believed that the marriage bed was undefiled and I said yes and braced myself for some kinky request. But no, he was just a strange one. He wanted to spend hours re-enacting nursery rhymes, so we would sing Baa Baa Black Sheep, Little Bo Beep, Little Miss Muffet, and then we would play hand clapping games like little schoolgirls and trust me, he knew all the hand motions. Then we would go back to Jack and Jill and Pat a Cake. It was weird and crazy looking back now, but at the time I just went with it because I figured that was his way of relaxing after long, hard days at work.


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