What happened when you came clean about cheating?

BY PENDA HONEYGHAN

Monday, September 24, 2018

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THERE is no telling what your state of mind may be after learning of a betrayal; however, our minds are wired in a way that the decisions that we make in response are formed against the backdrop of our individual experiences, social exposure and certainly the way we were socialised. Regardless of the fabric of our backgrounds; however, one thing that is certain is that those hurt by cheating partners will experience a mix of unbearable emotions transcending extreme passion to the extremities of violence.

All Woman asked readers who were at some point unfaithful to their partners to share what happened when they came clean to their other halves.

Davia, 29, security officer:

When I told my ex-boyfriend the truth about cheating on him with another squaddie, trust me many things went through my mind as I am sure they did through his too. He would have felt disrespected and used. He provided for, protected, the whole works, and I knew how he felt about cheaters. His friend told me that when he was confiding in him about the situation, he said, “When you realise that you are with these kinds of women no matter how you love them and check for them the best thing to do when things like this happen is to leave because they will cause you to get so deep in your emotions and so messed up in your head that you want to act foolishly and become violent”, and I couldn't agree more. I didn't deserve him and so when he chose to leave and cut all the strings I allowed him to.

Kevin, 36, architect:

When I told my wife I cheated on her, it broke her heart. She was pregnant at the time, but confessing was necessary because the girl wanted to cause problems. She became depressed and sick. I told her if she decided that she could not forgive me, I would understand, but I wanted a chance to fight for us. I did all she requested and even though she never did verbalise it, I knew a significant part of her decision to forgive me came from a place of not wanting our daughter to grow up without her dad. We started seeing a counsellor and she is working on trusting me while I continue to work on cutting off my womanising ways.

Felicia 22, customer service representative:

This is still pretty fresh; it was about six months ago and if I were to be honest, I only came clean because I thought he had proof. When I told him everything he went off — the only things he didn't break is what he didn't see. He even went to the guy and trashed him too, because he was someone who knew that my boyfriend and I had been a couple since school days. Looking back at it now, I feel low in a way because I could have picked up a disease and brought it back to my partner. I am still with him and trying to work things out, but things are far from OK because while I am trying to explain, he says he's not interested in my excuses and lies.

Ammoy, 29, lab technician:

I cheated because my partner cheated. I was not going to be taken for a fool so I took the opportunity and acted on a long-time desire — the guy I had a crush on before my boyfriend and whom I still maintained a good friendship with. Of course I told my man right after and he lost it, as expected. He became violent and he called me names, but I was not shaken in the least. When tensions lowered we decided to work on things. We asked a good friend to help work through things and it went well. Now he is starting to act right because he realises I am not the woman to simply roll over — two can play that game

Chris, 39 labourer:

I am not as lucky as some men. When I told my woman about the bartender I was messing with, you best believe I had to sleep in my truck many nights. Then I started sleeping on the settee until about a month later I reached back in the bed. When she finally calmed down and we talked about it, she said that we had to use condoms because she could not trust me. Up to this day, I have not lived it down because if I stay out with the guys, if she calls and she doesn't get me or anything like that she automatically accuses me of being out with a woman. So it's like it just put a permanent strain on things because everything was good before.

Tina, 33, travel agent:

My ex-boyfriend was going through a rough patch and I offered to be a shoulder for him to lean on. Anyway, one thing led to another and things happened. I was so guilty though I couldn't function for weeks and ended up telling my boyfriend who, by the way, is an absolute gentleman and the opposite of my ex. He was really crushed. But he never acted out, he asked for time and when he finally came around he asked me what I wanted to do. I asked if he would consider giving me a chance, he said he would think about it, and by the next day he said yes. He suggested that we take tiny steps because he would need to learn to trust me again. I agreed to his terms, including that I cut ties with my ex-boyfriend. I think we both knew that if I didn't do that I would end up at some point in his bed again.

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