My boyfriend is having a baby with his wife

All Woman

Dear Counsellor,
I'm in a relationship with a married man. I love him deeply and unconditionally. He says he loves me and that when the time is right, we'll be together. He recently told me that his wife is pregnant. I am upset because we were involved physically as well and he never told me he was trying to have a baby with her. Now he claims that he just had intercourse with her when she was ovulating and never after. I don't know what to do. Whenever I tell him that I want to marry him, he says we'll see what happens after I complete my studies.
Please tell me what to do.

One of the challenges of being the other woman is that you will always be in a wait-and-see position. As the song says, you will always be “sitting in limbo like a bird without a song”, just waiting to exhale.

The truth is, no matter how deeply and unconditionally you love this man, the reality is that he is already in a committed relationship and cannot give you his undivided attention despite his declaration of love for you.

Men who play this game are known for offering excuses for not fulfilling their promises of exclusivity and commitment to their other women. What is unfortunate is that some women like yourself are sold on these gimmicks and end up being sorely disappointed and distressed.

So in your case, Mr Mention has informed you that his wife is pregnant and even disclosed the details of his sexual encounter with her. This conduct is inappropriate for a husband who should maintain a level respect for his wife and withhold personal and private information. How can you be sure he is not communicating the private intimate moments that you both share, with others?

So the gentleman was planning to have a child with his wife while he was with you. What does that say about his integrity and his commitment to the relationship? Are you satisfied that he has been completely honest and transparent with you? Do you understand that the birth of a child can reconnect partners who were formerly estranged? In any event, when the child arrives he will spend more time at home than he will with you. This time he will certainly have plausible justification for being away from you.

Please don't complicate matters by having a child for him with the hope that he will leave the matrimonial home and reside with you full-time. This would not be a smart move on your part. Being in such a transient position as you are, making a lifelong decision like that would not be in your best interest.

Now is the time to seriously consider if the relationship is worth your time and effort. You have no guarantee that the gentleman is going to walk away from his wife, so unless you are prepared to play the secondary role and you are comfortable with such an arrangement, then you will have to live with the consequences of your decision.

Some women validate their actions by stating that half a man is better than no man at all. The problem is that you can't expect full attention and commitment from half a man.

Think consciously and do accordingly. All the best, and take care.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.

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