Having quit smoking and taken up eating, I've given up all hope of my body regaining any semblance of what I dared believe was its former glory.
I happened to be walking up the stairs in front of my four-year-old son, and when we got to the top he patted me on the rear and said 'Mommy, you have a big bottom.' No judgement. No accusation.

Tamara Scott-Williams

Just the facts. I had a royal 'I-have-nothing-to-wear' meltdown in front of my closet one evening. Instead of suggesting that a new wardrobe would be the cure for what ailed me, my husband offered that my skirt looked 'a little tight.' No judgement. No accusation. Just the facts. Thanks a lot.

It's my fault really. I've not introduced either one of these men to music television. So neither one of them is aware of Jennifer Lopez, or Bootylicious or Beyoncé Knowles. They have no clue that big butts are in, that the showing off of your posterior in tight and tiny garments is the current rage and that women are actually having implants inserted for a more fulsome rear while mine comes rather naturally.

But to argue my point I would have to expose them to the very graphic content that is music television and I won't do that any time soon. A television producer I know expressed alarm about the music videos playing on cable television. She said I should take a look. The cast could often be seen simulating sex and you could watch this at all hours of the day or night. And she warned that your children (and husband), if they're not supervised, could watch it, too.

I've seen the videos: MTV, VH1, RE TV - all of them - and yes, they do have young women doing extraordinary things for the camera; leaving very little to the imagination. I was especially horrified by footage of little five- year-old girls performing on a New York stage. They were thrusting their little booties about with abandon, gyrating, wining, shaking and rolling in some moves that were more suitable for mature women in dark clubs with poles or in darker bedrooms.

But when you get beyond the horror of watching these grown and not so grown women reveal almost everything and be subtle about nothing, your next question is: How do they do that? That rat-tat-tat thing with their butt? That undulating roll thing with their bellies? And our curiosity is piqued.

And we wonder. Can we do that? So we get in front of the bathroom mirror (yes, we do), turn up the music and we try. It's nothing that our current yoga and Pilates classes have made us good at.

And it's nothing that years of ballet and modern dance classes have ever taught us. Even at 18, I couldn't pull off those moves. In my day, Swan Lake was the dance of death, these days it's the Dutty Wine.

Attitude Gal
One of dem, two of dem
See the crew of dem, I will wine dem
Could a three a dem, could a four a dem
Even more of dem, I will grind dem
See the whole of dem, see di whole a dem....friends (whole a dem friends)
Pack up mi gyal....dutty wine...eehh
So what dem a say
Alright now

[Verse]
Me step inna di club, a dance rub a dub
An di gyal a come wine up on me
Mi stan so tall back against the wall
And now she start climb up pon me
Its kind a likkle trickie,I'm checking out Nikki
When you know say time is up on me
The way di gyal a wine is like the breeze a blow
But it hot and the sun shine on me

[Chorus]
Di dutty wine, my girl, dutty wine (whoa)
Di dutty wine, my girl, dutty wine (ray)
Di dutty wine, my girl, dutty wine (lawd)
Dutty wine, my girl, mix it up now
Di dutty wuk, my girl, dutty wuk (ray)
Di dutty wuk, my girl, dutty wuk (lawd)
Di dutty wuk, my girl, dutty wuk (whoa)
Watch di gyal dem a do di dutty wuk (Aye)

A little behind the times, I am, when it comes to the "Dutty Wine." Up until this week, I was blissfully unfamiliar with the song, the singer or the dance. This week the dutty wine dance has been put on trial for allegedly killing an 18-year-old girl, who after competing in a dutty wine contest complained of a headache and died shortly thereafter - and I am more than a little intrigued.

The Wikepeda (worldwideweb) defines the dutty wine as "a popular Jamaican dance usually performed by women. It involves moving your legs like a butterfly, whilst rapidly, simultaneously rotating your neck and posterior. Sometimes more advanced dancers will also include the splits in their dutty wine. The Dutty Wine is currently experiencing a surge of popularity in the United Kingdom, with some even labeling it as "the dance craze" of 2006. The Dutty Wine is generally performed to Dancehall style music. Most often a track by Tony Matterhorn is used, which carries the same name as the dance. Some doctors have warned against performing the dutty wine, claiming it may cause serious muscle trauma, and ligament damage."

If you listen to the third verse of Tony Matterhorn's Dutty Wine lyrics (courtesy of Imeem music) you get a better idea of what physical movements are required of the dance. It is clear that only an 18-year-old, in peak condition, under doctor's supervision, should attempt the choreography.

Bend your back and lift your head up
Turn side way, lift your leg up
Bend your face and twist it up
And turn true side like you know you fed up (Whoa)
Turn roun like you know roast duck
Spin aroun cause you know how fi wuk
Lift it up back, then you breast it up
Back it up, cock it up, my girl dutty wuk

[Chorus]
So, do di dutty wuk, do di dutty wuk
Watch all di gal deh a do di dutty wuk (Attitude)
Di dutty wuk, do di dutty wuk
Attitude gal a do di dutty wuk

Then Mr Matterhorn's song veers into a very lewd and outrageous description of all the places he claims he can get busy in. While the lyrics may have no place in a family newspaper - it might be the only place that you can get a sense of what our 18 year - old girls are listening and performing to:

[Verse]
So f***in inna wata, f***in inna sea
F***in inna bushes, and f***in inna tree
If you f*** pon di bed your not f***ing me
F*** pon di floor, f*** pon di t.v.
F*** pon di dresser, and bruk up figurine
F*** pon di fan, no gyal no finga me
When mi see di hot gyal dem dat a trigga me
F*** any where, let f*** be free

So, could a one a dem, could a two a dem
Send the crew of dem, I will grind dem
Could a three a dem, and if a four of dem
Send more a dem, I will wine dem
Any way dem deh, any way dem deh
Any way dem deh, Mota will find dem
Just to wine up pon di gyal yah
Look at di gyal dem a wine
Sit down pon it now

A real case of "mout mek fi say anyting" the chorus is. It's amazing that Mr Matterhorn wasn't hurt if in fact he's attempted anything in the song's chorus. Now that the song has more spotlight on it than ever before, it is incredible how the Dutty Wine song managed to stay on top of the music charts for 13 weeks without being pulled by the broadcasting commission, or without being the subject of protest by the teachers union, the church, the prime minister's office, the moral authority, Greg Christie, the opposition, the ministry of welfare, the child care and protection agency, Jamaicans for Justice, the police commissioner's office, the PTA of any school, any columnist or anyone else for that matter.

Maybe I missed it all, but more than likely we're just not clear about what's being played on our airwaves. Besides being an assault to our ears, it is clearly an assault to our bodies. Perhaps, as usual, we don't see to do anything about a potential problem until somebody gets hurt. I no longer wish to perform 18-year-old feats with my body. Somewhere, I am sure, Taneisha Henry, wishes the same thing.
Rest in peace, little girl.

Executive Class

Gardens with Gravel

Death to the Mullet!