Get thee a good husband,
And use him
As he uses thee.
— Shakespeare, All's well that ends well 1, 1
SOME women take that above quote literally, and it doesn't matter whose husband it is, as long as he's a husband, and 'good', they're getting him and using him. They often forget the last part though, which says, 'as he uses thee.'
Other women go the old fashioned route of meeting a single man, going through the courtship, getting engaged, walking down the aisle and getting married. Finally and only then can she say, "I have me a husband, my very own husband."
Meanwhile the other women can't bother with all those complications, and opt to take unto themselves a ready-made husband, one who has been already trained, their very own married man. That's why when women ask me (for years now) to find a good husband for them, my response usually is, "Whose husband should I find for you?"
Some may qualify the question, while others do not care, as they will be with a husband, any husband, as long as he's a husband.
So many women specialise in married men, and they're always the mistress, but never the bride. Many do so by choice, a deliberate decision, saying that they prefer to be single, but have a married man on the side with none of the complications of marriage. They 'value their independence.' I do not believe them.
Those who are really honest with themselves cry on my shoulder all the time, and have done so for years. And believe me, even though they are countless women of all ages and types, their stories are the same. These are women who constantly whine about their married men, and we'll find out why, when and where, right after these responses to 'Wandering wives', 'Horny husbands'.
There is always a reason why a wife will wander, and usually it stems from her dissatisfaction with her husband. Very few women will just up and cheat without a valid reason, with the chief one being neglect. Too many husbands tend to ignore their wives after a few years, and most of all take them for granted.
As soon as another man starts to show her interest, she feels good about herself again, and the possibility of an affair looms large. This has happened to my girlfriends and I was tempted once. I'm a wife who almost wandered.
Do you know why husbands are horny and look outside the marriage for something new? It's because their wives change and lose interest in everything else as soon as they have children. The man becomes nothing but someone who lives in the house and pays the bills. They also get fat.
I am currently married to a woman who is twice the size she used to be, then I am blamed for looking at women half her age and half her size? There is a reason for everything, my son, and the person I married 20 years ago is not the same person now. Can you blame me?
The last holiday season was a most challenging one for many people -- the shut-ins, the old, the sick, single women, and most of all, those who were involved with married men. It's nothing new and the stories abound with boring and monotonous regularity. But they are still perpetuated nevertheless.
For many years now, especially in the Christmas and New Year season, women have been bawling to me that they are lonely and neglected because their married man has to be with his family and cannot spend any time with them.
"Teerob, can you imagine, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve come and gone and I don't see him?!"
"This is the last time I go through this. Either he chooses me or his wife. I am finished."
"You can't find a nice guy for me? I cannot take this misery anymore."
This has been going on for the past 10 to 20 years, and they still can't see the big picture. I listen with sympathy, and then I wonder why women put themselves through that sort of pain and misery. I used to ask them why, but after a while I stopped, as their answers defied logic and common sense.
Most of them said the same cliché absurdity about the man planning to leave his wife as soon as the children get old enough and leave for college. But the overall classic answer is always, "He and his wife have nothing going on and are really separated, but just living together until things get sorted out".
Remember, these stories have been told for seven, eight, and even 10 years and more, and still they cannot see the big picture. The man is quite comfortable and is not willing to change anything in his life.
I'll always remember this woman who used to ask me, "Why do I always end up with married men... why me so salt?" She thought that her plight was by chance, but psychologists will tell you that it's a condition that's embedded deep in their subconscious. In other words, they just can't help it.
In the same way, some women always end up with men who abuse and beat them... every time. Is that coincidence, bad luck, chance? Nope. Just look around and you'll see a trend with some women, they are perennially involved with married men. I know some who are serial married men poachers; as one affair ends, they move on to the next married man. Are they suckers for punishment, or is it really a lure that married men have that they cannot resist? Is the married man their crack cocaine, their drug of choice?
One even had the nerve to ask me, "How come I can never get married, Teerob?" My response was, "Because your men are always already married, my Dear." Don't call me cold and uncaring, but after hearing the same stories for 20 years, it does get a tad tiring. I don't know how psychiatrists do it.
Maybe their reasons are valid, perhaps there really is a shortage of good men to go around, therefore the ones who are already married are seen as good catches. Still, it defies the law of averages when some women can never be involved with a man unless he's married.
Some of these women have told me that it's the married men who seek them out and pursue them. I then ask the question, "So what is it about you that attracts only married men to you? Don't single men find you attractive?"
Maybe married men spot this weakness in the women's character and exploit it, so that point could very well be valid. But I still have to wonder, for I know of women who have married men for over 20 years now, and have no intention of breaking off the relationship. Their involvement with their married man lasts longer than many marriages.
As weird and bizarre as this may sound, I also know of women who've been involved with married men, who divorce their wives, then marry someone brand new, but still keep these women on the side as mistresses. They can truly say, "Is my married man that, and me nah leff him."
In a lot of cases, the women with their married men accept their lot in life, and know that the man will never leave his wife for them. But for others, oh the countless others, they live in this constant hope, this illogical illusion, that one day their married man is going to leave his wife and live happily ever after with them.
Statistics can be cruel, but the numbers say that it rarely happens. If he hasn't left his wife within the first six weeks of being involved with you, he's never going to leave her for you. Most wives know this fact, and that's why they stay with their husbands. They know about this woman, but accept her as a necessary plaything that her husband has to have.
After a while, some of these women with their married men often tend to get carried away and think that they are number one in the man's life. They may even dislike the wife. Familiarity does breed contempt. They start to make demands on the man, give him rules to abide by, place strictures on him, and edicts that he must obey. All to naught, for it's the wife who has his name and calls the shots.
When the wife tells him to pick up the children, or that they're all going to visit grandma in the country, guess who gets left out in the cold?
He's her married man yes, but she still isn't married to him. All that the man does is string her along with an exhortation of excuses, a litany of lies, a raft of reasons why he cannot fill his obligations to her.
He has one for every occasion, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve night, Valentine's Day, his birthday. And guess what, she swallows them all, for in the off season, in-between all those special occasions, he'll be Mr MBA, married but available, and the anguish and pain of being left alone will be forgotten.
Some of these women with married men are discrete, at least for a while. But let's get real, how discrete can you be after being involved with your married man for 10 years? Most are just fooling themselves, but trust me, the wife knows, and the children know too. So your married man is no secret.
Still, some of these women with married men can get really bright, and as old time people used to say, "Pass dem place." They will be up front and out in public with the man, and even go to his house under the guise of being his secretary, assistant, or even business partner.
The poor wife doesn't have a clue... or so they think. Wives aren't fools, and a woman who lives with a man for so many years must know quite a bit about him. "Let him stay, she thinks I'm a fool... I know what's going on; he's her married man, but he's my husband."
I have been hearing these stories from I was a boy, for they are neither new nor unique, even though every woman with a married man thinks that her story is different. It's not, just join the very long line of women in the same situation. It's the same old same old tale of lies and deception, pain and heartache, anguish and tears, that goes with having your very own married man. It's going nowhere. More time.
Footnote: So here we are in the middle of January already, and all your plans and resolutions start to fade. Maybe these quotes sent to me by Carmen Clarke may inspire you. "Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake up and live." — Bob Marley
"One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things." — John Burroughs.
It's a new year, let's really try and shake off the negatives and pull together in this boat that is our beloved island.