Substitute lovers

Daddy Oh

Tony Robinson

Sunday, November 11, 2012

This is the very ecstasy of love, Whose violent property fordoes itself
And leads the will to desperate undertaking.

— Shakespeare, Hamlet 11, 1

AS you can see, the path of love can lead to desperate undertaking, and people will do things that may even benefit the undertaker as they defy all logic, rhyme and reason as they pursue this thing called love.

Despite what the cynics say, people have a need to love, and most of all, to be loved. A man without love is an angry, moody, despondent and miserable man. While a woman without love is often bitter, miserable, cranky and lonely. Love lifts the spirit, lightens the heart and gives the giver and receiver a spring in their step.

You can literally see the glow on the face of a person who is experiencing love, and this is even more apparent in firsttime lovers.

So it's established then, that to love and be loved is the greatest thing, as singer George Benson expressed in one of his hit songs. But what if you cannot find someone to love and love you back? What if you fall into the category of unlovable, or nuh man nuh want you; what you do? Simple, you take a substitute lover, and they come in all forms, shapes, stripes and types. That's what we'll explore this week, the substitute lover, right after some feedback to ‘Fat or fluffy’.

Hey Teerob,

You are correct when you stated that obesity is a (pardon the pun) huge and serious problem, but I had to laugh, as I had never heard the word 'fluffy' used to describe an obese or fat person. I like to sleep on fluffy pillows and sheets, and I love my pancakes and scrambled eggs fluffy… airy, light and soft. I just can't think of an obese person in those terms.


Ontario, Canada

Mr Robinson,

It's very easy to make light of a subject when one is not the victim. And yes, people who are overweight can be classed as victims, as they are often trapped by the cycle of eating, gaining weight, feeling depressed, which only leads to eating some more, and further weight gain. All fat people would love to lose weight, even those who say otherwise. No one likes to be stared at, made fun of, or pitied. This is made worse when they see athletes performing or dancers twirling across the floor. Your article, although balanced, could have been a bit more sympathetic to people who are struggling with a very real problem.

'Fat Albert'

Hey Tony,

I don't care what they say, brother, I love my women with meat on their bones. Give me a fat, fluffy woman any day, a woman who I can hug and feel comfortable with. My father married a fat woman and I will too. Fat or fluffy, I love them.


Love is truly the most powerful force around, and interestingly, even animals show love, not only to each other, but to humans too. The love of a dog is legendary, and let us not forget the old saying, 'never get between a she bear and her cub.' That love is so great that she will tear you limb from limb.

That applies to people too. People crave love, and men will swim the deepest ocean, climb the highest mountains and cross the hottest desert for the love of a woman. Now, I'm waxing poetic, but it's oh so true, and I only join the long list of writers who extoll the virtues and pitfalls of love.
The things that people do in the name of love are mind boggling. All this love, mingled with lust and passion, has the force of a super nova, and people just cannot exist without it.

So what happens when you cannot find someone to bestow this love on you, or you can't share all this pent up emotion with someone else? What do you do, and how do you experience all that joy that you hear others talking about? You get a substitute lover, and who or what they are may shock the faint of heart. Naturally the most common method is to be with someone else's lover, but at times even that is not an option as the crosses and headaches are just too great, so in desperation you seek something else, something safer.

I have been following quite keenly, many of the articles that show how women are turning to devices that make men irrelevant. That's right, men may become obsolete as far as some women are concerned, as the influx of sex toys and other paraphernalia that bring women pleasure, are the rage that has hit our shores with the force of a tsunami.

As one woman said, "They give me all the pleasure that I need, without the misery of a man." That substitute lover is making men redundant. I personally know of at least one very attractive young lady who had resorted to that type of substitute lover long before they were in vogue. She had an assortment of dildos of all shapes and sizes, and truth be told, she's always in a good mood, as she has no man problems.

She even gave them names, usually with the first name of Turbo. So when she refers to Turbo Bob or Turbo Jimmy, she knows exactly what pleasure she will be indulging in on that cold and rainy night. She always told me, "I have no need for men, for as long as I have my batteries to power my turbo team, I'm a happy woman." You may say that it's not love, but merely carnal pleasure, but the two are often intertwined. You can't knock her spirit, and if it works for her, then so be it.

I also know women who transfer their love to inanimate objects and actually fall in love with the things that they buy. Absurd as it may sound, there are women who find great pleasure in endless and needless shopping, and if you hear them talking about these objects that they buy, you'd think that you're visiting the loony house. It's sort of like a love transference, and I'm sure that the experts can shed more light on it, but I do find it weird. How can you love a sofa, or a bed or even a dining table? But there are women who love these objects, all because they have a need to love and be loved and no man to supply it.

Now we come to the very obvious substitute lover that we see every day…. the dog. That's right, the canine, the cur, the mongrel, the mutt, the pedigree, the animal that women love to equate men with, ironically has become the substitute lover of so many women. Show me a woman who is extremely attached to her pooch, and I'll show you a woman who has no man. And even if she's supposedly involved with a man, there is no love, and that guy is secondary in her life.

That dog is her life, and you'll hear his name called more often than you'll hear her call any man's name. It's, "Poochie is hungry and he's so smart too, he even talks to me and tells me when he wants to go out." I know women with dogs who even have on their voicemail message, "Prince and I are not here now, please leave a message after the tone." Truth is stranger than fiction, my friends.

It's the realm of women without human lovers, the substitute lover, the dog. They are more frequent now than ever before, and we can see them driving around in the cars of these women who have no man of their own. Let's face it, if they had a man to love them, why would they need a dog? It's love that they need, and that dog will supply that. He's her substitute lover.

Now this is treading on very sensitive territory, but there are women who treat their sons as if they are their lovers. I won't go as far as to say that it's bordering on being incestuous, but because these women have no man of their own, they transfer this love to their sons. It does not happen with their daughters, but only with their sons.

The poor lad has taken on the mantle of being his mother's man, and if she had her way, he would never leave the house to fend for himself. In most cases these women are not even aware of their folly, as they are so blinded by love, that they refuse to, or cannot see that they are turning their offspring into their substitute lover. The father is out of the picture, so the son takes his place and will also get the same cursing that the father would get if he were around. It's a sad scenario and is certainly not healthy.

But what about men, don't they have substitute lovers too? It's been said that men who jump around from woman to woman are really looking for love, and to be loved. If they can't do that, then they seek this love elsewhere. Just ask any punter who likes to bet on the horses, or any drinker who spends half his life in the rum bars having libations with his cronies. Those are his lovers.

A man who loves and is loved by a woman has no time for those substitute lovers, and I'm not saying that men who love or are loved do not love racehorses or drinking. But usually it's that gap in a man's life that leads him to those excessive indulgences. They must love something to hug up and caress.

So like it or not, love is the fuel that keeps people going, and if you can't find it in someone, you're certainly going to get it from something… a substitute.

More time.

Footnote: What a devastation, misery and grief that hurricane named Sandy wrought on us and others. It cost property, life and limb. They called it the superstorm as it was the mother of all storms. And imagine, it was 'only a category one hurricane'. I left for New York, only to return a few days later to hear that a storm was threatening us. It hit us on the Wednesday then headed north for the USA where it hit the very places where I was a few days earlier.

It was really eerie to see those same places on CNN, all broken, flooded and destroyed… and I was just there. But we should not be surprised, for the experts have been predicting these superstorms for many years now, as they are one result of global warming. It's happening now, and if you read magazines like National Geographic, you'll see the trend.

Speaking of National Geographic, it's quite possible that magazines mailed to subscribers like myself are being stolen before they get here. I called the USA headquarters and they told me that there's been a spike in complaints from Jamaican subscribers about not getting their magazines. This should be investigated by the postal service.




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