Never letting go


Sunday, July 14, 2019

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We still have slept together,

Rose at the instant, learn'd it, play'd, eat together,

And whereso'er we went, like Juno's swans

Still we went coupled and inseparable.

— Shakespeare, As You Like It, I, 3

Swans mate forever, relishing their monogamy, and are only a few of the species on Earth that do so. Others have multiple partners, either consecutively or concurrently. That's right, some, like humans, may be monogamous, but only for a moment in time. I called it sequential monogamy in a column years ago. “I'm a one woman man, only one each time.”

For some people, relationships never seem to come to an end, even when they have drawn to a natural conclusion. Maybe one partner fell out of love, found someone else, got tired of the 'crosses', just wanted out for reasons of ill health, or they simply got sick of each other.

Whatever the reason, relationships do end in spite of the last line of the quote above. But do they really come to a close all the time? In many cases they do, but for countless others, one partner simply refuses to accept that it's over and clings to it with more adhesion than a politician in Jamaica holding on to his position.

They never let go, even when the writing is on the wall, the horse has gone through the gate, the ship has sailed, the final nail driven into the coffin, and the last straw on the back of the camel. Okay, you got my drift? They never let go.

We'll see how and why, right after these cryptic responses to ' Girlfriend versus Wife'.


I shared your article with my 30-year-old unmarried daughter, cohabiting with a boyfriend her own age, who responded as follows: “What an awful article. Because we're human, men let themselves go too, but want a trophy still, all while we're cooking, cleaning, raising his children… and working. So ridiculous. Maybe it is men who became lazy and uninspiring, giving the bare minimum, but expecting the girlfriend, always.”


Hi Tony,

Having the best of both worlds would be the girlfriend becoming the wife and continuing in girlfriend mode throughout the marriage. This type of situation is rare and I believe it can only be accomplished if the husband, after marriage, continued in boyfriend mode. The only fly in the ointment would be introducing children into the mix. Sad to say, but perhaps true.


Hi Tony,

I have been reading you for years but haven't done so in a long time due to life, but I have stumbled across your most recent article Girlfriend vs Wife and it is an amazing piece of work. Keep up the good work and continue to share your talent with the world.


Have you ever noticed how some people never let go of anything that occurred in their lives? At times it may be good, but more often than not it's bad, and they refuse to let go, clinging to it with an adhesion that surpasses the bonding power of a barnacle on the hull of a ship.

And you know what that does to that vessel, slows down the forward movement. That's why they have to be scraped off, either by taking the ship into dry dock, or having divers remove them. But they have to be removed or they will retard the movement of the ship forever.

For some weird and bizarre reason, many individuals refuse to scrape off their barnacles, refuse to let go of the past, and carry them around on their shoulders, not realising that their forward movement is being hindered. It hangs like a dark cloud over their heads, which every now and then releases a torrent of crosses — dark rain.

I have a friend who is educated and seemingly intelligent, yet he displays a puerile, peculiar perversion to a relationship that he was involved in. He simply cannot seem to let go of it, even though the woman has walked out of his life and moved on.

They were involved for a few years, and according to him, it was the best sex that he had ever experienced. Yet, she ended it and instructed him never to contact her again. I guess the sex wasn't that good for her, huh? Which only goes to show, sex alone cannot keep a relationship viable. People need more than that. If that was the case, men would marry prostitutes, or leave their wives for their young, hot, sexy mistresses. But that's another story.

Back to my friend who simply cannot get his ex out of his head, and every waking moment her name comes up, much to the chagrin of those around him who have heard the story over and over and over again. “Oh how I miss her so much, we used to have so much fun, I gave her so much.” “Give it a break man, get over it, move on, get a life.”

But that won't happen, as he refuses to let go. He is not alone, as I know other people who refuse to let go of the past and always cling to relationships. This, in turn, ultimately has an effect on their current relationship.

Some men physically refuse to let go of their partner, never granting them their exit visa, and if they do, they still keep on hounding them, haunting them like duppy in an old haunted house — constantly hovering over their heads, always being in proximity to the person. It's more noticeable in men, but women also refuse to let go. The only difference is, they hardly have the power to do anything about it, as they cannot stalk the ex or impose their will on him.

I have never heard of a woman threatening a man if he decides to leave her. But men do it all the time, sometimes with deadly results.

What women do is carry the toxic waste, the corrosive crosses of the past relationship, and dump it right into the lap of the current spouse. That becomes recurrent, as every man who enters her life is met with a regurgitated torrent of bad memories from her past. “You're just like my ex, it's the same thing he used to do, you're all alike.”

Meanwhile, the current man has no idea that he's simply being fried in the fat of the previous relationship. Never letting go is a sure way of making history repeat itself, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the sins of the past will envelop current and future relationships like a thick, dark fog.

Here's the twist now. Some women got so used to fighting battles of the past that they miss the excitement of war, and constantly carry the contention into whatever relationship that they're involved in. Psychiatrists have proven that many soldiers actually miss combat and the thrills of the conflict and subsequently feel out of place in civilian life when they go home. That's why so many re-enlist and keep on serving numerous tours of duty.

“He served three tours of duty in Iraq, but he's signed up again.” “She experienced many years of crosses with her ex and finds her new man boring, so she's beating the drums of war again.”

They return to where they're comfortable, back to the war zone, a place where they can never let go. Yes, my friends, there are women like that, and I suspect men too — never letting go of their past conflicts, so they constantly regurgitate new ones, creating their comfort zone of contention.

Men, who had their exes cheat on them, will constantly accuse the current woman of doing the same thing. Women who constantly were in conflict with their past lovers will always be at war with their current spouse. They just can't let go.

When Marcus Garvey wrote and Bob Marley sang, “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds”, it's quite possible that they also meant emotional slavery of relationships, the inability of people to let go of the past, always shackled by a horrible history of heartbreak, never letting go.

More time.

Footnote: It's said that we are what we eat, and it has been proven that certain foods do heal even as others harm. Even so, some people eat any and everything, while others are selective. Some embrace the vegetarian lifestyle while others take it to a new level as they go completely vegan. The vegans do not consume anything that has a face, or is associated with a face. So, no meat, no fish, no eggs; yes, eggs come from chickens, and chickens have faces; no honey, bees have faces; no milk, cows have faces. I had some friends visiting from foreign and it was 'crosses' trying to find vegan food for them. I can understand the no meat part of it, but no eggs, milk, or honey? What about, “Arise Peter, take and eat, for what I have blessed, let no man call unclean.” To each his own I guess.

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