Sunday, July 12, 2020

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Their copious stories,

Oftentimes begin,

End without audience

And are never done.

Shakespeare, Venus and Adonis, Stanza 141


Their copious stories are never done, but are immortalised in their verbiage, continuing into eternity even when there's no audience, mostly about their sexual exploits and the excuses that they give for indulging in that activity. You had better believe it.

People do tend to give excuses for having sex, and also for not having sex. Hence the term sexcuses. “Oh, I'm just being celibate for a few months to cleanse my soul.” In reality, they just can't find anyone to have sex with.

Usually it's men who are guilty of sexcuses though, as they continue to justify their actions and make excuses why they indulged illicitly with females who they shouldn't have. Sexcuses only apply to illicit sex, for there is no reason to have an excuse for sex that is above board unless you have equipment failure and try to make an excuse for that.

Aha, but when there are sexcuses for not having sex, that's where the women come in. Many of these have been documented in books, movies, jokes, and even bar talk, in which husbands compare the sexcuses that wives give for not wanting to have sex with them.

We'll get to those later, but first let's see what some folks had to say about my report on 'Living in falsehood'.


Hey Tony,

We live in a world where almost everyone exhibits some degree of falsehood. It's not necessarily a bad thing, unless it impacts negatively on other persons. For instance, when someone falsifies their educational qualifications and deprives another person of a job, then that's egregious falsehood, which is downright wrong. But I see nothing wrong with people putting on a little falsehood to appear better than they really are, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Isn't that what fine clothes and make-up are for, to make us appear better-looking than we really are? It's all a matter of degrees of falsehood.



Hi Tony,

Above all things, to thine own self be true. And yet, so many persons are untrue, not only to themselves but to others, as they put forth a false front to deceive. Falsehood is dishonest and dangerous, and in most cases temporary, as one day the bottom will drop out of the bucket and everything will be revealed. Remember that boasy 'PhD' man who said that he was qualified for the CEO job and held it for years until one day he was exposed? He wasn't the only one, but their days of falsehood are numbered.



For various reasons people have to indulge in sex, which should be a simple and straightforward activity. We all love it, well, most of us do. What complicates matters is the choice of partners that the person wants to have sex with. If it's a legitimate couple then there's no problem and no need for sexcuses.

But when they go outside the box, venture into uncharted territory, seek greener pastures and partake of forbidden fruit, that's when the sexcuses start to flow fast and furious. Let's take the sexcuses from the clergy, which seem to dominate our news nowadays and which I would find amusing if the subject matter wasn't such a sad one.

I saw a headline the other day about this preacher who was arrested for having sex with two church sisters. When confronted by his congregation, his sexcuse was that by having sex with them he was casting demons out of their bodies. His crime, apart from the illicit sex, was also fraud, for he charged them money for his services.

I have seen similar stories out of other countries in which priests and other members of the clergy have sex with their flock in order to cleanse them, but now it has reached our shores as the papers revealed recently.

Whenever a man is caught in an uncompromising position, caught red-handed, with his hands in the cookie jar, with his pants down) flagrante delicto (which is Latin for being caught with your pants down, he always gives some lame sexcuse. Why can't he just say, “Okay, you caught me, I'm busted. I was just horny, that's my sexcuse.”

But it's when it comes to sex with young girls that the sexcuses surge. They say that ignorance of the law is no excuse, but one popular sexcuse is, “I didn't know she was so young; she looked older than 16.” Men who love to indulge in sex with very young girls usually have the same cliché sexcuses. “Only young girls turn me on.” Maybe they do have a point, or so many different men wouldn't keep on saying the same thing.

“I tell you, I'm 70 years old and so is my wife. She no longer moves me.” But put a 20-year-old girl before him and see how he moves. What was once dead now springs to life. Is that a sexcuse or a medical fact that young, smooth flesh is more of a turn-on than old, wrinkled skin? Is that a sexcuse or a sexfact?

I'm not being unkind, but simply relaying the results of my findings. There seems to be a socio-economic difference though, as some sexcuses are steeped in medical justification. For instance, when an ordinary guy indulges and is caught with someone who he shouldn't be with, his sexcuses are usually dismissed. “Lock him up; pervert, paedophile.” But when a man has money or connections, there are medical sexcuses that justify his actions:

“Oh, he's bipolar, manic depressive, schizophrenic.”

“Poor man, he forgot to take his medication.”

Are some sexcuses justified? I saw a video clip in which this wife phoned her husband's mistress with the intention of cursing her off. The mistress calmly said, “Listen, calm down, don't curse me. Instead, you should thank me for helping you out.”

She then continued to point out to the wife all the sexcuses why she was sleeping with her husband. For example, when the husband comes home, she's too busy to cook his dinner; when he wants to talk, she's too occupied to converse; when he wants affection and sex, she's too tired. “So I do all those things for him and help you out, my dear.”

I've heard men making those sexcuses for cheating on their women, but I've never heard a matey echoing those sexcuses in defence of the man. People who cheat will always have a litany of sexcuses to justify their actions. Most men will say that it's because their wives don't give them enough sex why they seek it elsewhere. That's his story, and he's sticking to it.

But wives have countered this, saying that even if they have sex with their husbands all the time, they still go “outta street” and seek it elsewhere. If he's caught she'll say, “I give you all the time, so what's your sexcuse now?”

“Err, variety is the spice of life?”

Now let's get to the sexcuses of the women, which aren't necessarily applied to having sex, but rather not having sex. Their sexcuses not to indulge range from the old, tired cliché, “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache,” to “I have cramps.” “I have to finish this report for work tomorrow.” “Momma is in the next room.” “My favourite TV show is coming on soon.” “I'm still angry with you.”

All those were actual sexcuses that wives gave their men, and there are tons more that only women can dream of. Why is this so? “Why, why?”, men ask all the time. It's so ironic that the word sexcuse, which I made up by the way, can be applied not only to the act of sex and its justification, but also to not having sex and its justification.

What a weird, warped, wacky, wonderful world we live in, where men on the one hand spend countless hours making up sexcuses for their illicit activity, while wives spend countless hours making up sexcuses not to have sex. Nature balances out.

Some couples are blessed, with neither party having to make up any sexcuses. But for others, they just dip into their basket and come up with one sexcuse after another. “Let us, from point to point, this story know to make the even truth in pleasure flow.” Shakespeare, As you Like It.

More time.


Footnote: Things are slowly opening up in this era of coronavirus and Jamaica is still doing relatively well regarding the number of people getting seriously sick or dying. My big fear, though, is when the tourists start flooding here from North America. Our Government is doing its best but if you see what's happening in the USA, which continues to break records of positive cases, hospitalisations and deaths, it's most concerning. Cases continue to increase here from Jamaicans returning home, so you can just imagine what's going to happen when the foreigners flock our shores. Europe has actually put a travel ban on Americans. We do need the tourists and for the economy to reopen, but it's a tough balancing act. Watch the foreign news and see their alarming rise. Last week the printer's incorrectly misnamed Ian Wilkinson QC, past president of the Jamaica Chess Federation, as Ian Wilson. Checkmate, brother Wilkinson, and Fortis.

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