Animals women need

Dady Oh

With Tony Robinson

Sunday, June 10, 2012    

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A lion among ladies

Is a most dreadful thing.

— Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream 111, 1

CAN you imagine a lion among all those women? As calypsonian Sparrow sang, "I woulda nyam them raw". And yet, many women tend to like men who have animal qualities in them, and a lion is the king of the beasts. Not so for the lowly sheep, though. Better to be a lion for a day than a sheep for a year, it has been said.

That was the topic of an e-mail I got recently. It said that there are four animals that a woman needs to feel satisfied and fulfilled; a jaguar in the garage, a mink in the closet, a stallion in the bedroom, and a stupid ass to pay for everything. Now you can laugh all you want, but there's more than a grain of truth to that joke. Fact is, many women want different things from men, and if one man can't provide those different things, then she'll find different men to fill the gap.

But in all those men, there has to be more than a hint of the animal in them, and the women want to partake of the benefits of that menagerie. And even if there are no jaguars roaming around, the car by the same name will more than suffice.

And if she has never ever seen a live mink, she will happily wear the coat made from its pelt, despite the fact that we live in a tropical climate. And as for the stallion, that is what all women dream of, even though many may not admit it. The surveys tell a different story.

So that's our spiel for today, the animals that women need. Now, loosen your leash, brush off your shiny coat and come out of the doghouse.

Hey Tony,

Regarding 'No money no love', seriously, do you think that these old men don't know what they're doing with the young girls? If the girl wasn't young and 'fresh', would these old men 'love' them? Why is it that these 'rich' geezers always 'fall in love' with women below 25 years? I am 30-plus and for the hell of me none of them are 'falling' for me.

I tell you, I am quieter and display less 'attitude' when things don't go my way. And most certainly I would 'love' the old geezer still, when the money is gone, because I would have taken enough from him to sustain us.


Hi Tony,

They say that women are attracted to powerful men, no matter the age, but the attraction is even greater for powerful men with money. These men are able to attract young, beautiful women, and in some cases these women learn to actually love some of these men and stick with them, and not just for the money. Then there are those sugar daddies who are prepared to pay for the affection and companionship of young pretty girls who are along for the ride on the moneytrain. Isn't there a name for that?


So, as the e-mail suggested, women need certain animals or at least the qualities of those animals in the men to lead a satisfied and fulfilled life. Let's take the first animal, the jaguar. Well, it's not a real jaguar, but a car by the same name, which is the dream of both men and women. But if it's not even a jaguar, any car in that range or even less, as long as its classy, will do for a woman.

It's a fact that men love their cars, but what's not often said is that women also love cars equally, if not more than men. The very first thing that a woman asks of a man isn't, "So what school did he go to?" or "Where does he work?" Instead, it's always, "What car does he drive?"

Ah yes, that car, whether it be a Jaguar, a Lexus, a Prado or a Pajero, defines the man. It says who he is and what he can do for her. That's why so many men strut around with their key rings very visible so that women can see the Benz or BMW logos. Do an experiment, pick up a woman on a first date in a beat-up jalopy and see her reaction. Then on the second date, if you get one, pick her up in a Benz and see her countenance change. Better yet, buy her an old Morris Oxford and watch her face, then tell her that it's a joke and show her the keys for the Audi instead.

So imagine her joy if she can own one of those top-class cars? I know this man who bought his wife a car for her birthday and she promptly drove it to her friend's house and derisively sneered, "Look what Orville bought me for my birthday... nuh dis ol' Lada?" Her friend, who didn't own a car, could not understand her angst and thought that she was being ungrateful.

Women do love cars, and they flaunt them when they get them, so don't just think that it's a man thing. That jaguar in the garage is very real.

Then we come to the mink, which symbolises clothing, fancy garments, and is arguably the epitome of style and class... the mink coat. Animal lovers can fume all they want, the mink coat is still the yardstick by which women's fashion is judged. But it's not simply the mink coat per se, it's the clothes, the shoes and the accessories that the mink represents.

Every woman would love to have a mink coat, even if she burns up in the heat in Jamaica. The real dream is to parade around in it on a cold, blustery day somewhere in Europe. If she can't do that, she can always tell her friends that she has one hanging in her closet.

I used to doubt this phenomenon until a very good friend of mine spent US$6,000 on a mink coat, even though she never owned a house or car in New York where she lived. She would pray for a cold winter every year, just so she could parade around in her fancy mink coat. Every chance she got, every trip to the grocery store, the laundromat, the drug store, she wore her mink coat.

The mink represents fashion and fashion maketh the woman. This is evident by the strong sense of style that many of our women have, and why shows such as Mission Catwalk, and events like Caribbean Fashion Week are so hugely popular. Just take a look at how most of our women dress, not only on the party scene, but even to go to work or dinner. No woman, rich, poor or in-between, wants an empty closet. So the mink is needed also.

Now we come to the stallion. I recently saw a documentary series on National Geographic that featured wild stallions still running free in the USA. They were magnificent creatures -- tall, strong, swift and untamable. They represented the dream of so many men. Imagine, living wild and free with mares at your disposal, and best of all, having a penis that almost reaches the ground. Oh to be a wild stallion.

But guess what, the same way that men dream of that, women also want men to be like that. For all those people who think that sex is not important to women, you'd better wake up and take the Viagra. A recent survey showed that over 60 per cent of women thought that sex was very important in a relationship. If you doubt that, just talk to the guy whose woman left him for a young stud, or those countless women who have affairs behind their men's backs.

No one has affairs for cuddling... it's for the sex. Plus, a USA survey showed that the leading cause for divorce was sex problems. So that analogy about the stallion is true, and even the condom makers are aware of this.

Just check out the names of those products and you'll see; Stallion... Rough Rider and others. It's no myth and no joke, women do want a stallion in their beds, so you had better saddle up and be prepared to go 10 furlongs.

Now we get to the final animal, the stupid ass who pays for everything. Donkeys or jackasses really get a raw deal, and even Shakespeare said, "I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass." Oh the poor ass, hard-working, obdurate, dull, stupid, and able to labour for hours without complaining and with very little sustenance or affection. Sounds like some men I know. They fill a spot in many women's lives.

Women have been making asses of men for centuries and who can blame them too. If the man... make that jackass, is willing to bankroll her expenses and get nothing in return, then by all means ride him into the ground. There are women who have this knack and some go about it in the most cruel way. I have seen cases where women not only take advantage of men's generosity, but milk him dry then throw him out like last week's newspaper.

And it's not only old geezers like what that lady wrote about earlier, but generous men who simply had more money than brains. "What a jackass, mek the woman eat him out, mortgage his entire life, then move on when his money finished." Fortunately, most women aren't like that, but when they are, they beat that poor jackass until he can go no more.

So it really is true, if some women can find some ass to finance them, they certainly will, so don't take the analogy lightly.

It's all so simple, starting out as a joke regarding the animals that women need for satisfaction and fulfilment. But those jokes have a way to smack of truth and reality. The only animal that was left off was the dog. Oh yes, women don't want those canine qualities in their men. So make sure that you bring out the animal in you in order to please your woman... growl, roar, whinny, shriek, crow... but don't go baa or maay or squeak.

More time.

Footnote: We see them on the roads every day, we brake up suddenly to avoid being hit by them as they weave in and out of traffic. They often crash with multiple injuries and fatalities. Their MO is, passing a line of traffic then crashing head on into an incoming vehicle. They are the dons of the road. They are the minibus and taxi drivers who are judge, jury and executioner on our streets. They amass speeding tickets in excess of 80, they have no insurance, many cannot read and write... yet they drive.

Strangely, when they are apprehended by the law, the public defends them, saying, "Leff dem alone, dem nah tief, dem earning a living fi feed dem pickney... low dem." Not all are this way, but it appears to be most. They rule our roads, they are the horsemen of the apocalypse, and death rides the pale horse... or bus and taxi as the case may be. They run the roads and run you off too.





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