We cannot fight for love,

As men may do;

We should be woo'd

And were not made to woo.

— Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream II, 1

I would really like to know who makes these rules regarding men and women and who should do the courting as against who should be courted. Women just sit back and wait until the man sees them, pursues them, woos them and then ultimately gets them.

But whoa, hold on to your horses and stop right there. Who says that the man gets the woman, who says that he is really the hunter and she is the prey, the quarry, the victim that he hooks then reels in at his pleasure? That's an illusion that women have shown men for centuries, for it was a wise man who said, "A man chases a woman until SHE catches him." Until she catches him.

Young men had better take note, for most of them are under the illusion that they are the ones who get the prize, not knowing that they were the unwitting, unknowing prey, and that they got caught in the web without even feeling a thing.

'Come into my web,' said the spider to the fly, and many a fly has been captured by the wispy, smooth strands of the female who snares the man with silky threads covered with honey. So who really gets whom? We'll find out right after these letters.

Hey Tony,

I will take your advice and renegotiate my romance attitude for this year and other years to come. I am one of those women who you rightly classed as professional mistresses. For some reason I always end up with men who are married. Whether by accident or design I do not know, but after my last episode with a married man, I say, no more.

After three years of so-called romance, the man went back to his wife. I simply wasn't good enough for him and neither was I good enough for the others, as they all found some excuse to leave me, eventually. I hope I still have time, but this year will be different, this year I come first.

Heather

Tony, Tony, Tony,

How are you, brother? You had that one locked regarding Renegotiating Romance. Relationships are so hard to maintain, and yet we keep on trying until we find the right one. What we are forced to do is reinvent ourselves and alter our emotional contracts just to deal with each other. It's like any other business proposition that has to suit both the buyer and the seller.

We all have to renegotiate our romantic outlook or our stocks will lose value. As a gay man, I too have had my share of failed romances, but will keep on trying. You had this one locked.

Germaine

Some ladies and I were in a discussion regarding who really achieves their objectives when both parties enter into this relationship deal. I think differently from most people who are locked into the traditional notion that man gets woman, end of story. I am of the opinion that it's really the woman who gets the man in the long run in this romantic game of cat and mouse.

Most men, and women too, believe that it's the man who sees the woman, then goes after her and then wins her. But I think differently. He may chase her yes, but if she doesn't want to be caught and won, he'll be chasing forever. I know men who have been after certain women for years, and still cannot get anywhere with them. Why? Because the women don't want to be caught by the men. "

Nonsense," say the women, "It's the man who chooses then gets the woman he wants." That may have worked in the caveman days when brute strength prevailed and the man just went outside, saw a female, bonked her over her head with his club and dragged her back to his lair. Or perhaps back in the day when warriors invaded territories and captured the females of their enemies for themselves.

Interestingly, in many cases, the captured females refused to leave their captors even when opportunities to escape occurred, and in some cases, they even returned to the new men after they were rescued by their original husbands. Such is the complexity of women.

But given a free choice, women will do just that, they will choose the man and not the other way around. Sure, the guy may spot her first, but think about it, many men see women, call to them, but get rebuffed, shot down, stopped dead in their tracks, all because she made an instant choice.

"Psst...psst, nice lady..."

"He has a nerve, what would I be doing with him?"

But if he calls to her and she likes him, then the way is paved for his entrance into her life.

Still, the women contend that because eligible men are scarce nowadays, women do not have that luxury of choice, but have to accept the first offer from any half-decent man who looks their way. I find that concept difficult to grasp or accept. "Are you saying that the first man who asks you to marry him you're going to accept?" I asked.

"Yes, for good men are scarce and another man may not ask me again and I'd be filled with regret," this lady told me.

Still, I stick to my theory, and here's why. Even though the man may ask, it's the woman's power of choice, her prerogative, to accept or reject him. She has the power to say yes or no, and he has to live with it. The man can wine and dine her until his credit card burns hot and melts, at the end of the evening, she has the power to let him in or bid him a fond goodnight.

"Imagine, after I spend so much on her, movies at Carib, dinner at Marketplace, drinks at the Pegasus, dancing at Quad, all I got is a chups and a goodnight?" That's because she made her choice. If it was the man who had the power of choice, then he would be dead sure of what was going to happen, and perhaps wouldn't feel a need to spend so much.

And to take it further, if he asks her to marry him, she can say yes or she can say no. And that's why I say it's the woman who gets the man and not the other way around. See what the above quote says, 'Women cannot fight for love as men do...' but they have other ways and means to get it; they have guile and cunning.

That's why men are often nervous on dates, making them unable to perform if the women does decide to go all the way. It all boils down to the anxiety of him not knowing if she really will choose him or reject him. If he was dead certain of the 'conquest', he would be confident, but that shroud of mystery really messes him up. For that very same reason, grooms are nervous but brides are cool.

Deep down he knows that the choice was always hers and she can change her mind if she wishes. So who really gets whom? Just an aside, and speaking of marriage, there is this news story about a 99-year-old man divorcing his wife after 77 years of marriage. It's listed as 'the oldest couple filing for divorce' in Italy.

Why would a man divorce his wife after so many years? Well, just recently, he found some love letters in her dresser drawers that indicated that she had an affair in 1940. He felt betrayed and promptly filed for divorce. Clearly there is no statute of limitations on affairs of the heart, and when a man gets 'bun', it hurts, even if it happened 77 years ago. The lesson to be learnt is do... not... keep... old... love... letters... from... your... affairs.

But back to who catches whom. The man goes out with his game plan, strategy, lures and bait, but what does she bring to the game? Her game is bigger than his, and she knew exactly what she was doing from the moment she first saw him. So he comes around and she plays coy, not too hard to get, but just showing enough to let him get a whiff of her scent.

Then she retreats for a while, so he pursues, and she strokes him gently, dangling the carrot before his nose, and he obliges by coming even closer. Then she allows him in, and he gloats of his conquest, when it was really she who conquered him. "I just let him feel as if he was doing the fishing, but he was the bait all along," I have heard women say. It's a game played out daily.

It can't be played by just any woman though, for if you haven't got the right equipment, then don't even step out onto the field. The lady who believes that men get women may have a point after all, for if you're the last tomato on the shelf and the first man asks you out, you're going to say yes, for you may not get asked again... ever. But even that last tomato still has the power of choice, and she can still say no if she wants to. Many women choose that route and live their lives bereft of men.

Have you ever wondered why men frequent prostitutes and so-called massage parlours? It's because those places are the only sure things that they can count on for favours from women. It's like shooting fish in a barrel: no mystery, no possibility of failure, and he will get her for sure... as long as he has money.

Is it just chance or luck that some women always end up with wealthy men? Those men chose them, right? Think people, think. It's the women who does the choosing, makes the selection, gets the prize. It's clearly evident even in the animal kingdom where the males will court and strut to impress the female, even fighting each other to win her, but ultimately, it's the female who chooses whom she wants to mate with.

Same with men and women; it's a genetic condition, locked into our DNA without most of us even being aware of it. So he can come knocking, it's really she who chooses to let him in or not. So tell me now, who gets whom?

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: There's a storm brewing in the sporting world regarding racist name-calling on the field of play. Some footballers in England have been fined hefty sums and suspended for uttering racist remarks to opposing players during matches.

The authorities there take it seriously and so do the general public, black and white, but guess what? Ignorance is a curse, and we have some sports commentators here on TV and radio who say that the whole thing is blown out of proportion and the sanctions against the offending players are too severe and in effect it's no big thing if a man wants to curse you using the N-word or any other racial slur.

One even said, "If I am earning £200,000 a week playing football, then a man can call me anything he wants to." These same people saw nothing wrong with West Indies cricketers going to South Africa during the dreadful era of apartheid. Forgive them, for they know not what they say. I have lived in England, I have been to South Africa, and if you haven't experienced it, you will never know. And that's why the authorities take it so seriously.

We cannot put a price on dignity, honour and respect, but my words fall on deaf ears, for a man without honour or dignity has no concept of it. Thank God for people like Nelson Mandela. No matter how much they paid him, he would never tolerate being called racist names on a football field.

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