Speak of me as I am, nothing extenuate,

Nor set down aught in malice

Then must you speak

Of one that loved not wisely, but too well.

— Shakespeare, Othello V, 2

Of one that loved not wisely, but too well. How many of us can say that about ourselves, as we leave a trail of emotional detritus, a wake of wounded hearts, a river of flowing tears, and an abyss of forsaken love behind us? We all have a tale, or even tales, of romances that blossomed, flowered and then withered, never to bloom again.

Gone, oftentimes forgotten, but sometimes not. We usually give them a name, and that name is X. Yes, many women and many men are bestowed with the not so royal title of X before their names. No longer are they just Sharon or Robert, now they are spoken of with the ubiquitous title of X. "This is Sharon, my X," Or "Have you met Robert, my X- husband?" That X sticks forever like a tattoo on your soul and is as permanent as that Mr or Mrs It's, locked before your name.

For some people, their X- factor may not be as large as their egos, as they may have only had one or two Xs in their history. But for others, their X-factor may be as big as a government five-year plan or manifesto. These X-factors can prove to be mighty interesting for some people, while others would prefer that they remain closed forever, never to be opened, sealed from the prying eyes of their current spouse and never ever mentioned.

The X-factor - that's my spiel this week, right after some responses to Falling out of Love.

Hi Tony,

You seem to have a knack of pointing out the core of relationships and really touch on the human condition, even as you put your own spin on it. Who would have thought that falling out of love could have a humorous side to it? But I chuckled when I read your article. When my boyfriend of five years told me that he didn't love me anymore, I was devastated and felt that my world had ended. I saw no reason to live and this lasted for years. And yet, when I saw your article it was like therapy as it put things into perspective. I was blaming myself, I thought that I was unlovable, but you showed that people do evolve and even though it hurt, there is no self-blame. I still hurt, but at least now I see things in perspective.

Sandy ,

Daddy Oh,

No one will ever get the opportunity to tell me that they don't love me anymore and neither will I tell anyone those words, as I will never allow anyone to love me, and I will certainly never love again. I once gave a man my heart, my soul and of course, my body. I loved him desperately, and I thought that he loved me. Now he's gone. Do I seem bitter? You bet I am. You can keep love and all that romantic foolishness; I will play it safe.

Cecile

This x- girlfriend and x -boyfriend argument has triggered a great deal of controversy, with some women saying that all exes must be forgotten, expunged from the system, deleted. Most men don't seem to mind keeping in contact with their exes, though. On a personal note, I like to keep on cordial if not friendly terms with my exes, so one could say that I too have an X-factor.

I will still call them on their birthdays and wish them all the best, and with the advent of e-mail, it makes it even easier to drop a line saying hi. Not so, say some women, x-factors should be left sealed and locked away in some dark, dank dungeon. Well, maybe I'm wired differently, but I see nothing wrong with being friendly with an X.

After all, both of you shared something once, and not because you are no longer a couple means that there should be any rancour or animosity. That doesn't mean that you should be too chummy either.

Of course, it all depends on why you both broke up in the first place, for if it was a bitter and blistering bedlam of a divorce or break-up, then it's best left alone. "I caught her in bed with my best friend...how can I ever be friends with her after that?"

"He's a rat who slept with my niece and stole my money...x for him means x- rated...x-communicated". The danger lies in the possibility that the x-factor can impact heavily and things start to happen again. As the saying goes, 'Old firestick easy to catch.'

Maybe that's why most women do not relish the idea of the x-factor being an important factor in relationships. Most of the women to whom I spoke expressed this, saying, "When I finish, I finish, I never want to see him again...it done." And to add to this, they expect the same of their men. "I don't want him having any contact with any of his exes, especially that last one. He is with me now." Your history has been rewritten and it begins and ends with your current spouse. But there are exceptions.

Now I'm a pretty well known guy, maybe because of my many years working in the media, especially television, my involvement in the martial arts, and of course this column, which makes people just come up to me and start chatting. Many of them are women. Just last week this young lady approached me, hugged me and said, "I just love your column and how you deal with relationship issues.

I'm Debbie from St Thomas." So recently I asked my wife, "Does it bother you that all these women come up to me and chat me up?" Plus at times we will buck up exes too and exchange pleasantries. She said that it didn't bother her at all, but she would prefer if I didn't lift up some of them. I do have a habit of hoisting women up in the air.

Fair enough, and words from a wife who's self-assured, confident and secure in her relationship with me. She knows where my heart is, and no one could ever threaten that. But sadly, many women do not think this way, and forbid their men to have any contact with other women, especially exes. Not even their names must be mentioned and that x-factor must remain off limits forever.

"But I agree with them," say some women, "For many of those exes are ruthless, conniving, cunning cretins who would do anything to get their claws back into the man who left them." In some cases that's true, but in many it's not, and all that the wife is doing is creating problems when she dictates that all x-files should remain closed forever.

A recent survey revealed that the chief cause of divorce in the USA is nagging. Yes, nagging, not adultery. So by constantly nagging the man about his x-files, all that they are doing is creating a brand new problem where none should be.

That being said, the X-factor can be quite dangerous and in this age of advanced technology, many electronic data have not only seen the light of day, but have gone viral. Suddenly, years after breaking up, the video and photos of exes mysteriously emerge and are seen on YouTube and other Internet search engines. Exes can be spiteful and vindictive and will do horrible deeds just to get back at the person who parted ways with them.

The list of women seen on the Internet performing sexual acts on their boyfriends is endless, worthy of any blue movie. Seldom do women post these videos, but angry or bitter x- boyfriends or even x -husbands do tend to expose their exes even after years of separation. So a lesson to be learnt ladies: do not allow yourself to be filmed or photographed doing anything that your pastor would not be proud of, for it just may be the video of the month on XXX Channel.

Recently an x- girlfriend whom I hadn't seen in many years gave me a call, and after chatting for a while, and without even thinking, I said, "We must do lunch someday." My better half was sitting beside me, but she said nothing. My ex then said, "Are you sure that your wife wouldn't mind?" Now that showed that she respected my relationship and I in turn respected that. Weeks after, to put the shoe on the other foot, my better half asked me how I would feel if she had lunch with a visiting ex.

Of course I wouldn't mind, and said so. After all, I respect that everyone has a history and I am secure and aware that friends do keep in touch. Everyone has an x-factor looming in their past, tucked away somewhere. Plus, if anybody wants to do anything, nothing will stop them, so just allow people to make their choices. I then jokingly added, "Lunch yes, dinner no." There have to be limits, eh!

But there are so many questions that remain unanswered in the X-factor. For example; how much contact should be kept with an x; should you visit your x; should the x visit you; should the x treat you like a confidant, cry on your shoulder; should you offer romantic advice; should you tell your x that his current spouse is cheating on him? Most of my lady friends say, no, no, no, be done with it, leave that factor alone, it's none of your business, let them handle their own affairs. Most men said yes.

The X-factor, not to be taken lightly, for it's full of mystique, intrigue and a little danger, but it's also fascinating and ignored at your own peril.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Jazz and Blues was a blast, and it's an annual event that I never miss. This year was exceptional, and Celine Dion was the best act to grace those stages since Kenny Rogers a few years ago. Our local acts were great, and I must put Tessanne Chin (and Tami) way up there at the top.

Jazz and Blues is special, and that's why it hurt me so much to see a letter published in the Observer, Thursday, February 2, by a lady who whined about the conditions and even asked for a refund. This was the biggest Jazz and Blues ever, and it's held in a park, on a grass field, with thousands of people jam-packed to the hilt. What did she expect, plush carpet and box office seats? If so, rent Sky Boxes then, and stay far from the maddening crowd, or go to Carnegie Hall.

It's a music festival, it's mingling, meeting and greeting, rubbing shoulders and jostling. It's what I love about it, it's a part of the experience. I agree that the traffic was terrible leaving the venue on that monster Friday night, but we just dealt with it as best we could, chilled and relaxed. Who remembers Woodstock? Google it. It's still being talked about in music history, as will that memorable Friday night when Celine Dion put in a near perfect performance.

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