Thinkest thou, Hortensio,
Though her father be very rich,
Any man is so very a fool
To be married to hell?
- Shakespeare, The Taming of the Shrew.

Tony Robinson

Down, down to hell; and say I sent thee thither! Oh my, people have lived with the image of Hell as this vile dank place, riddled with tormented souls, roasting in the fiery inferno, being prodded with pitchforks by devils with sharp tails, overseen by the Lord of Hades himself. Picture that scene from Dante's Inferno and you'll have the image of Hell, or so you think.

Hell is much closer than that, more real, tangible, and many of our friends, family and acquaintances are living in Hell, or catching hell, even as we speak. At least that's what they tell me, plus through their writing to Dear Pastor and regaling the advice shows with their sad stories of despair.

Whenever people talk to me about their relationship problems, the words they use always have the same familiar ring to it. 'It's like a living hell, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy," "Living with him is sheer hell, and the man is the devil himself," "This marriage?.the living hell." It's so strange, no one has been to Hell and back, yet they always liken a bad relationship or disastrous marriage to hell.

But the lost souls of Hell have no choice, they are doomed for eternity to roast in the pit of fire, with not even a cool sip of St Catherine's Peak Water or a Diet Pepsi to slake their thirst. Not so those who exist in hellish relationships or marriages spawned in Hades, even if their partner has a cute devilish grin.

Remember, when you dance with the devil, he won't change.but you will. I have seen this in friends of mine who are doomed to hellish marriages. I have witnessed women who never in a thousand years even raised their voices, much less uttered a swear word, yet driven by the devil himself, or so they say, they have turned into swearing sirens, worthy of any waterfront waif or salacious sailor.

"Listen, just tek yu warra warra whatsit whatsit out of de house and leave me alone to b.c.t." My word, such language, and she used to be such a nice quiet Christian church-going lady too. But living in Hell does that to you.

So where is the free will, why live in Hell when freedom is but a few yards away? Now that is the question of the ages. In the old days women were often trapped in loveless hellish marriages. Then, they had no choice, as once married to the brute, that was it: hell for eternity, until he passed away.

But the modern woman has a choice. She is educated, smart, intelligent, independent, liberated and earns her own income. So why does she remain in Hell and complain bitterly for years on end? Here are some of the reasons that are bandied about: For the children.

Give me a break. This one is as stale as old crackers and as used as an old harlot. Women and men continue to use pickney as excuse for living in Hell, that it has become a tired worn cliché. When you see the children that they're so eager to protect, your jaw will drop open.

Big old horse-tearing pickney, either in sixth form or first year college, yet they can't leave "because of the children." People act as if children are idiots, when in reality the kids are way ahead of them. "Mommy and Daddy don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I can't take the tension, somebody should move out."

I know couples where the marriage is long dead and embalmed, the son and daughter are away in college, they don't speak to each other, sleep in separate rooms, they're both having affairs, yet they exist in the state of hell "all for the sake of the children."

No one wants to go home except to just sleep and change clothes, yet they entertain a lot, always having people over. Hell, hell, hell. "You mistress, that have the office opposite to Saint Peter, and keep the gate of hell," said Othello.

People will live in Hell for the money. Clearly, money not only lets the world go round, but it eases the turmoil of Hell also. "Listen, I will suffer with the damn brute, live in this hell, but the money sweet and me nah leff it."

Because of the gender based economics, more women make that statement than men, as more men still occupy the seat of wealth and power, plus they are the ones who usually marry the eye- candy trophy wives and set them up. She's heaven to him, but he's hell to her.

I am yet to hear a wife say to her husband, "I want you to stop working and stay home, I will mind you." The keepers of Hell need chains and subjugation. Still, she'll live in Hell for the money. Hell has no address, but the house in Cherry Gardens, Beverly Hills or Norbrook is a pretty nice neighbourhood. "I'm currently living in Hell, but you can reach me in Cherry Gardens."

The chariot of fire is the BMW X5 or a Benz E Class, as it sure makes the journey across the River Styx a pleasant one. Oh, in Greek mythology, the River Styx separates the land of the living from the gates of Hell, where the portals are guarded by Cerberus, the three-headed dog. Now you know, so when you get there, you won't be surprised.

Shame and embarrassment will keep people living in hell. "How can I tell my friends and family that the marriage was doomed from the beginning, especially when they all warned me? I'm so ashamed." This I have heard with painful regularity.

So better to live in eternal torment than the perceived shame of a broken relationship? I think not. Most marriages end up in divorce anyway, so you'll be in good company. From movie stars to prime ministers, they marry, divorce and move on. Some even make it a habit of marrying frequently, so in this modern day, a nuh nutten.

I am all for trying to work things out, but there is no compromise with the devil and you can't work out a decent living arrangement in Hell. Still, there are some folks who would rather suffer the private torment over the public shame.

"Hie thee to hell for shame, and leave the world, Thou cacodemon! There thy kingdom is." (King Richard III.) There are others who think that they will lose their standing in society, especially the church or religious community. "Can you imagine, she's divorced, let's look down our noses at her." So rather than have that, many people will live in Hell, hoping that the hypocritical congregation will get them into Heaven eventually.

Truth be told, there are even some organisations outside the church that frown on unmarried or divorced people, especially women. So live in Hell and move up the corporate ladder.

Then there are those who live in Hell but dance with angels outside. Ergo, they go and have an affair, even while still married. This only complicates matters even more, and brings on even more torment, as the devils and the angels wrestle. King Lear said, "There's hell, there's darkness, there's the sulphurous pit." Then there's a loveless relationship. Dare to compare. Thanks Kareen. More time.

Seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Fortis Forever. They say that there are two types of people, those who went to KC and those who wished they went to KC. Kingston College has won Boys Champs for the fifth straight year now, a feat only surpassed by our run of fourteen consecutive years.

It is no fluke, but serious dedication, discipline and hard work by the current and past student body. Not confined to sports, our academic performance also ranks high with CXC passes way up there. And remember, KC does not get the cream of the crop, but admits boys from all areas, including the inner cities.

Cricket, football, table tennis, chess, CXC, Centenary Scholarships, Rhodes Scholars, we are up there. Many look on with admiration, some with awe, others with disgust, but they will never understand our spirit. I was blessed to have attended that institution in the footsteps of my dearly departed brother. Fortis forever.

Executive Class

Gardens with Gravel

Death to the Mullet!