The world is not for aye,
Nor 'tis not strange,
That even our loves
Should with our fortunes change.
- Shakespeare, Hamlet 111

MAYBE that's why men take unto themselves mistresses, because even their loves change with their fortunes, the wives become disenchanted, and they seek other thrills elsewhere, perhaps.

But why men really take mistresses is still a question of the ages that no one can truly answer. What is fact though, is that men have done it throughout the centuries, they still do it now, and will continue to do it as long as mankind exists. From ancient Japan where they had consorts, to the lusty French with their concubines, to Jamaica, where the matey or the other woman is the order of the day... or night, mistresses will hold centre court.

In fact in some societies, it is expected that a man should take unto himself a wife, and then have a mistress on the side. Naturally, western cultures frown on this sort of openness and prefer the hypocrisy of having the mistress under cover of darkness, cloaked in secrecy, a shadow lady, who doesn't really exist, but nevertheless, fills and fulfils a yawning chasm in the man's life.

Mistresses, you gotta love 'em. Some cultures, recognising this need for men to have both wife and mistress, legalise the whole thing by allowing men to have multiple wives. Even so, all wives are not equal, but are graded by numerical ascendancy, as there is the number one wife, the number two wife and so on. Just like here where the legal wife is number one and the mistress is number two. Oh, some mistresses will feel that they are number one, but as long as the man goes back home to his wife, she is number one.

But first let's define a mistress, who she is and what role she plays. First of all, the mistress is prettier, 10 to 15 years younger than the wife and at least 20 pounds lighter. I have never seen the converse, never seen a mistress who is uglier, older and fatter than the wife. What would be the point?

"Damn fool of a man, tek up wid an old ugly woman pon de side... now him long to run home to him wife."

Mistresses have pull, they have the magnetism to draw the man to them at the most ungodly hour, letting him take risks, sleeping and then waking to crawl back home. A mistress knows how to put herself together, is always well dressed for the man and never shows him bad face.

A mistress never says no, never denies the man sex, never has 'not tonight dear' headaches, never turns down dates. A mistress has a zest for life, a joie de vivre and willingness to do things that a wife used to, but is now so caught up with her work and kids, that she has forgotten how to live.

A mistress is fun. Men look forward to going to the mistress, but only go back home out of necessity. A mistress is a sexual beast, and what she will do with the man, the wife would never consider doing, at least not anymore, not after twenty years of marriage. Instead it's, "Come on, hurry up and finish so that I can go to sleep, I have work tomorrow yu nuh."

A mistress would never say that. A mistress boosts the man's ego, not tears it down and emasculates him. With a mistress a man feels like a king. And you wonder why men have mistresses?

Now if a mistress is all that great, a tigress in bed and the answer to all men's prayers, then why don't men leave their wives for their mistresses, why not marry the mistress? Ha, the answers are myriad, and contrary to popular belief, all men are not fools.

I returned to take a look at the play True Colours once again, just to examine the man/mistress, wife scenario. The husband after a while wanted out, as mistresses can be demanding, but she would have none of that, and really showed her true colours. That's the downside of having a mistress, they can make your life a living hell if they want to, if they feel used, abused and discarded.

Hell hath no fury and all that. That's part of the reason why men don't marry their mistresses, deep down there is a mistrust by the man, and a fear of her power.

After all, "This woman, this mistress, is willing to sneak around and see me in secret, even fren' up and talk to mi wife, what a deceitful cunning witch she is, how could I ever trust her?" or "My God, what a sexual being she is, how could I ever trust her, after a while she nuh muss tired of mi and find another man when I can't satisfy her?" or, "How could she ever trust me, knowing that I spent years sneaking around behind my wife's back, how could I live with that guilt?" What an irony.

So you see, that deep fear, that deep mistrust exists in most men that their mistresses will do unto them, what they have been doing for years. They are masters, make that mistreses of guilt, deceit and deception. Same knife stick sheep stick goat and all that.

That's why they also say that you have wife material and you have mistress material. Some women are born to be wives, while others are perennial mistresses. Look how many times we have seen men leave their wives, or the wife dies and he remarries somebody else, but not his long-time mistress.

Why? Because what you do with your wife you don't do with your mistress and vice versa. "So Trevor, now that yu divorce come t'rough, yu going to marry yu long time mistress, right?" "Don't be a damn fool man, I want something fresh to marry, but I will keep her on the side still."

The reality is, if your car gets old and worn out and you rent one in the interim, you don't buy the rental, do you, but opt to buy a different car, right?! Well, mistresses are like rentals, and you know how people treat rented cars anyway.

Mistresses are actresses, they play the part to please the man, but the curtain comes down on the performance if he marries her. Let's face it, marry a mistress and she turns into... well, a wife.

No longer will she be Miss Excitement, as no longer having to compete with and 'show up' the number one at home, she is now number one, the wife and can do what wives do, relax and settle. She now has access to the house, car, titles, social standing et al. Her task is complete and she can now relax and bask in the satisfaction of mission accomplished.

Suddenly one day the husband comes home and thinks that he's in the wrong house, for his once beautiful swan has turned into an ugly duckling. "My God, my worst nightmare came true, my mistress turned into my wife!" Now even his ex-wife starts to look more appealing.

"Honey, what happened to you, how yu change so?" "You really didn't expect me to keep that up forever did you, all those late-night booty calls, letting you in, letting you out, sex on demand whenever you visit? Get real, just turn off the light and go to sleep, work tomorrow." So what does he do, he goes and finds a mistress outside.

Yes mistresses, like geishas of ancient Japan, have a role to play in men's lives, and many are born to the task and cannot change. Even though some will take on the characteristics of wives as I mentioned earlier, there are others who cannot alter their state, it's just not in their genes, their blood, their DNA. Once a mistress; always a mistress; marry her at your peril.

Mistresses are used to flirtatious clandestine affairs and are just not prepared or able to conform to the regimen and 'same old same old' of married life. He met her as a good-time girl, and a good time girl she always is. "Listen, you met me in the club, we sneaked around like two tief, lying and cheating and scheming, you don't expect me to just change suddenly now, do you?"

As a result, many mistresses still have that itch, the urge, the call of the wild, and cannot be domesticated. Yes, that's right, not all mistresses want to be wives. "Why should I inflict that on myself, tied down and tied up, parked at home while he goes on the town?"

So, you see the perilous path that a man can pursue if he marries his mistress. It's best to leave well enough alone, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. If you're having fun with your mistress, keep it that way... just don't marry her. More time.
Seido1@hotmail.com

FOOTNOTE: So the movie Brokeback Mountain finally came here and people are actually wasting their time to march and protest against it. By no means am I advocating the promotion of the gay lifestyle, but it's only a movie and not the first either.

Furthermore, cable TV has been showing far more explicit stuff in the form of Queer as Folk, The L-Word, Queer Duck, and Six Feet Under which all show far more raunchy disgusting stuff. (Well, I do happen to like L-Word as the women are so hot).

No one picketed the cable stations that beam these programmes straight into our homes. To go to a movie, you have to get up, leave your house, drive to the cinema, pay your money and sit and watch. If you don't like it, well, simply stay away.

Plus, from what I heard, there are no real sex scenes in it either. I guess it's because it's cowboys. I bet you that if it was about two gay dancers there wouldn't be such an outcry. Why not march and picket against crime, murder, child abuse, rape, for or against capital punishment? But not against some silly movie which will be forgotten soon anyway.

Trousers in Denim

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