To err is human
To forgive is divine
You are human,
I am divine
- Al Scott

Tony Robinson

WE are all human, and as such, prone to human mistakes, and that's why DJ Tiger used to say, "Pencils have erasers, so that we can correct our mistakes." Now we have the delete button, so mistakes are corrected even easier.

But while some of our mistakes affect only ourselves, others have a great impact on those around us. Usually it's the person closest to us who feels the brunt of those transgressions, and at times those so-called mistakes don't seem like mistakes at all, but appear to be done on purpose. You know what they say in Jamaica, "First time is mistake, second time, maybe, but third time is pon purpose." Now after those infractions are made, it is left to the injured party to forgive and forget. Ha, those two little words seem so innocuous, but they sure are hard to do.

I did a little informal survey regarding what people will forgive others for, and I found it mighty revealing. But first, let's go back to biblical days, when it was said that we should turn the other cheek.

That may have worked then, but people catch on quickly, and having learnt that folks would just accept a slap then meekly turn the other cheek for a fresh one, waiting for an almighty box, the Almighty may just understand that we have to change with the times. Nowadays, people might just think twice before slapping you on your cheek if they know that you will block the offending hand and then 'shat dem a box' before they can even blink. But we're speaking about forgiveness here, and violence of any sort is wrong - unless you have to defend yourself from an attacker of course.

If you break it down, to be gender-specific, you'll see that women tend to forgive men far more than men forgive women. Or is it just that men seem to need forgiveness more? Women also forgive other women less than they do men. "Dah gal deh, after wha she do me, I will never forgive har." Usually that sort of unforgiveness involves some man anyway, and you know that the gloves come off whenever you have women and men mix up in triangles.

Perhaps it's the natural maternal nature of women, why they forgive men so much. It could be that the forgiveness has its genesis in fear, fear of losing the man - so no matter what he does, she will forgive him and take him back. No wonder men exploit that trait in women, as they do the most dastardly deeds, then shed copious crocodile tears.

"Oh honey, I didn't mean to do it. Your sister came over and one thing led to another. I swear, it will never happen again as long as I live. Just give me another chance and you will see." "You mean it? Okay, I forgive you." Men must learn now with pity to dispense, for policy sits above conscience, said Shakespeare.

Usually the object of their reason for forgiveness is another woman. Yes, men will not 'dilly-dally' with their dalliance, but they sure will beg for forgiveness afterwards, if they are found out. I will bet you any money that more women forgive men for their outside affairs than the other way around.

They say that the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, but I beg to differ, as it's more the mass of women who live lives of desperation, as they are asked to forgive and forget the foibles of their men. So many men have mistresses in secret, or so they think, for nothing is secret from a smart woman.

She may not know the name, but she will know of her existence. After years, he may confess to it, for conscience doth make cowards of us all, or he may be found out. Naturally, he will try to deny it, but after that fails, and he is faced with the stark reality of her vengeance, he quickly switches to the forgive me mode. In most cases she will forgive him, after all, "Is so all man stay, so if me lef' him I may just pick up worse anyway."

I have even known of cases where husbands have children outside of the marriage, and the wives not only forgave them, but took in the children and raised them as their own. "After all, it's not the child's fault. So why should they suffer for the man's stupidity?" The milk of human kindness runneth over, and that type of forgiveness is of biblical proportions.

Or is she so afraid of losing the man that she will forgive him not only 70 times seven, as the good book said, but 77 zillion times seven to the nth power, that not even Einstein could fathom! We'll never know, but I have seen genuine acts of forgiveness from some of these women.

Sadly, men are not blessed this way, for it is a rare man who will go away for three years, come back to see his wife pregnant, or with two more kids that resemble his best friend, and simply forgive her with the words. "Oh, I will accept them for their sake, after all, it's not their fault." Oh, for that day in fantasy land.

For this very same reason, women have to be cunning, conniving, and coquettish, and pass off kids on unwitting, unsuspecting, unwise men. "Honey, it's yours, remember you weren't good at math in school, count the weeks, not the months, and don't forget the leap year and the summer equinox."

That's why statistics show that Jamaica is the jacket capital of the world - a jacket being, of course, a child not belonging to the supposed father, but he has to wear it anyway. It's all because of men's lack of the capacity for forgiveness why women are driven to such guile. Come on, guys, forgive and forget. Remember, charity begins at home, even though conception occurred when you weren't there. But even as some women purport to forgive, they say in the same breath that they will never forget.

Well, if you say that you can forgive but not forget, you're really saying that you cannot forgive. This caught a friend of mine whose wife found out about his long-time affair. After the prerequisite anger, argument, ranting and raving, tears and begging on his part, she forgave him - or so she said. She took him back, yes, but like Dante's Inferno, like the portals of Hades, his life was made a living hell, for eternity.

'Abandon all hope all ye who enter these portals' should have been posted on his door. She never forgot, and hounded that man to high blood pressure, diabetes, gout and all manner of ailments. With Medusa-like charm, like a wailing banshee, a Harpy from hell, she badgered the man until he became a whimpering mass. LWP, Life Without Parole. So much for forgiveness.

All in all though, this forgiveness thing is tricky: for if you forgive too easily or too often, you will be taken advantage of, deemed weak, and will be trampled upon. Even if you forgive, the person should be made to suffer the consequences of their action - at least a little.

Make them pay, then forgive them, that way they'll think twice before they transgress again. It can't be just business as usual. Your partner will listen when you speak, but they'll listen even more keenly if you speak while holding a big stick over their head. Forgive and forget, but don't forget too much. More time.
seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: It is every parent's worst nightmare to lose a child. It goes against the order of nature, yet it happens. But out of this tragedy can come courage, strength and resilience that defy all odds. Friends of mine, Maurice and Valerie Foster, lost their eight-year-old daughter, Brittani, two weeks ago, yet their bravery is unparalleled.

Brittani, at age eight, wrote more letters than many adults I know. Eloquent, brilliant letters to her parents, aunts and cousins - so many they could fill a book. For her parents to stand there and read them so calmly was truly an extraordinary feat.

Never have I seen a mother read letters from her daughter so calmly, even with humour, as Valerie did at the funeral. This she did with poise, elegance and panache, supported by Maurice. They comforted us, gave us strength even as we grieved and cried. Truly remarkable.

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