If it were now to die,
'Twere now to be most happy; for I fear
My soul hath her content so absolute
That not another comfort like to this Succeeds.
- Shakespeare, Othello

Tony Robinson

THAT guy Othello really had some lyrics going for him, and could be considered the deejay of his time as he waxed eloquent to his woman. It's a pity that we hardly hear men spouting such words to their women nowadays, instead it's a barrage of effluence, filth, garbage and disrespect to our women that makes you wonder if those guys were born of women.

When did we ever get this way, and is there hope of a reversal? Whisper sweet nothings in her ear, make her feel good with your sweet, dulcet, soothing words, make her happy. Those words may just be alien to most men, while others see it as an impossible task.
A young lady from Britain e-mailed me a list of what women need to be happy.

Of course in this day of feminine independence, men may soon become obsolete, extinct like certain species of animals, a fifth wheel, unused and unwanted. Well, we're not quite there as yet, and the majority of women are still in need of male companionship, at least that's what they tell me. But before all you guys start rushing the mound, remember that it comes with a price, and perhaps it's more than you can afford. You have to be all these things to one woman to make her happy, so let's see if you're up to the task.

First of all, you have to be her friend and companion. That's where men differ, for women need this friend and companion thing as they always have this need to feel secure, comforted, a shoulder to cry on, and a strong arm to hold on to.

For men though, basically if a woman looks good, is sexy and willing, he'll be happy with her. That's why we have trophy wives, but never trophy husbands. Then he'll also have to be her lover, for when the mood takes her, she wants to get the good loving too. When this window of opportunity opens, the man had better be up to the task, for this lover boy mantle is a huge responsibility. Being a lover doesn't just mean being a sex pistol, I'll get to that later, but you have to do all the romantic things that lovers do.

Take her out plenty, wine and dine her, show her a good time and all that mushy stuff. It doesn't end there, for you also have to be a father and master to her. Let's face it, most women are seeking a father figure and someone to lead them, a person who she can look up to. If you can't fill that role, then forget it. Many men know this, but when they can't find the right woman to father and master, they seek out very young girls who will always look up to them. No woman wants a man who is like her son or her servant, she wants to look up, not down. Think about that.

Okay, so it's all coming together nicely. Apart from all that, you also have to be a sexologist to make her happy. This is also part and parcel of being a lover, as I mentioned, but with an added dimension. To be a sexologist, not only do you have to have the right tools for the job, but you have to damn well better know how to use them too. You have to know what to do with the sprocket wrench and where to put the Philips screwdriver, plus how many turns to give the torque wrench before you bust the spigot.

I'm talking metaphorically of course. You have to be able to have the stamina of a racehorse and the dexterity of an octopus, plus make her squeal with delight, experience paroxysms of pleasure and bawl out your name at the appropriate time. Then you have to have the knowledge and wisdom of Dr Heather Little-White and Dear Pastor, plus be able to explore all those avenues that they talk about on Irie FM's Sexwise.

You have to be a teacher in this department and not be her student, you have to show her how de country run and be her driver and navigator. "Driver, don't stop at all." That sexology thing can be a tall order, but to make her happy you had better deliver, or she may accept a package from somebody else.

Then apart from that, you also have to be tender, yet strong. Don't sigh and despair, for it can be done. Have you ever watched those wildlife documentaries where the giant ferocious crocodiles gently move their delicate fragile eggs in their mouths without breaking even one? These animals have the most powerful bite per square inch in nature, yet are tender enough to transport eggs. If they can have so much power and gentleness all wrapped in one package, why can't a man? She wants a strong man yes, but she also wants a man to be gentle, tender, caring, tolerant, sympathetic and shed tears when necessary, but not the ones that crocodiles shed, but the genuine type.

"Oh he is so strong, yet so sensitive, he makes me so happy." Women are also happy when their men are dependable. That seemingly innocuous little word is alien to so many men. They always put off doing things, turn up late if they turn up at all, make promises that they never keep and generally are people who cannot be relied on. "I can never depend on him, everything I ask him to do he has a bag of excuses why he didn't do it. That's why I end up doing everything myself." Now if that isn't the cry of so many unhappy wives, then my name is Jiminy Cricket.

It may seem simple, that dependability and reliability have such a huge impact on relationships, but sadly it's a fact that so many men still fail to grasp. Forgetting to pick up that child from school or being late too often are grounds for instant dismissal, so shape up or ship out.
To compound this, she's happy if you're understanding and sympathetic. What that means is, you have to agree with everything she says and see things her way when she speaks about any other woman, past present or future. "That damn Enid, I can't stand her, all she wants to do is mash up me life, plus she can't even dress properly. Look how her heel back tough.

Me nuh like her and she nuh like me. Do you agree dear?" You had better be understanding and sympathetic, ergo, agree with her by nodding in assent, agreeing with everything she says and even adding a few choice descriptions of her nemesis also. "Yes, Dear, I never did like that Enid, what a witch she is." Don't do that and see how unhappy she gets, and see what you get. nothing.

You have to be intelligent and also funny. Being intelligent goes without question, for the last thing that a woman wants is a man who is a half wit and as dumb as a sack of yams. She wants you to answer her questions and be able to talk to her. You know how women love to talk, and if you aren't intelligent, then talking, giving advice and answering her queries are out of the question.

To top it off, you also have to be funny. No, not funny in that sense, but rather be humorous. But even here you have to strike a delicate balance and not be an infernal clown. Just ask comedians Ity and Fancy Cat or Blacka Ellis and they'll agree that humour is a sure way to keep her happy, but you can't be a laughing fool. "He makes me laugh so much, as he dropped his pants I couldn't stop laughing at what I saw, I laughed so hard." Now, that you don't want to hear, but rather, "He's so funny and keeps me in a good mood all the time, he's great to be around."

It helps if you're good with your hands, and if you can be a part-time mechanic who helps her out with her car, plus be handy around the house and do some weekend plumbing or electrical work, then she'll be very happy. So you see, women can be happy with men, but what a task it is for any man wanting to make them happy. You have to be all things to one woman, and pay attention to the little details, but remember, the devil is in the details so you may still not win. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: It is said that civilisations are destroyed not from outside forces, but from within. They literally implode and self-destruct as did Rome, Greece, the Mayans and countless others. Civilisation is in decay and we are living through it. There is such a huge problem with our current generation of young people that it is scary to those looking on.

There seems to be no sense of value, no work ethic, no sense of morality, no sense of right from wrong. They do not know the meaning of the words, honour, respect, what it is to keep their word and truthfulness. The role models are the deejays and everyone wants to get rich quick, but not put in the time to achieve those goals.

Some suggest that it's the phenomenon of children having children and therefore there's no one to teach the right family values. The blind leading the deaf and dumb. It's not all of them however, but enough to be worrisome. Perhaps it's a cycle, and we'll emerge from the rot, but not in our lifetime.

Executive Class

Gardens with Gravel

Death to the Mullet!