All his mind is bent to holiness,
To number Ave-Marias on his beads.
- Shakespeare, 2 Henry VI

That has proven to be the downfall of many a relationship between a priest and a worldlian, for want of a better word. All he wants to do is spend his days counting his beads and reciting prayers, while she wants a little bit more out of the relationship.

I used the word sketel loosely, just to catch your attention and also to highlight the contrast between a man of the cloth and a regular woman. It's all relative of course, and what's a sketel to you and me, is not the same to a religious man, as sometimes a regular woman comes across as a sketel when she's dealing with a priest. After all, a man of the cloth is so holy, so pious, so righteous, so full of goodness, that how can a mere sinner woman measure up to his ideals?

It's a difficult task, and yet, men of the cloth need companionship and love too, and I'm not talking about those thousands of clergy who have confessed to sex crimes in the USA either. They occur all over the world too. It's so shocking what those so-called men of God have done to young altar boys over the past decades, and indeed for centuries, although those deeds of long ago were not splashed all over the media like they are now. But no, I'm not going to address that, or those priests. Instead, I want to discuss what happens between a decent, God-fearing preacher and an ordinary woman of the world. She may be a sketel, or she may just be a regular sinner, it's all relative. But what I do know is that she has quite a task on her hands to make the relationship work.

First of all, how do they meet? Usually it's in the church, on his turf, his territory. In most cases, the meeting has to be very tentative, as he just can't see her in the congregation and make his move. "Er. sister Vickie, I was wondering if I could interest you in an evening of quiet repast and comfort, some crumpets and tea perhaps?" See what I mean, it's sort of awkward for him to even make the first move, and she can't very well go up to him and proposition him. So usually they have to be introduced and set up by mutual friends or family.

Can you imagine those first few dates too? On a regular date, there is some statute of limitations regarding when a man can make his move, and when the woman can comply. It's an unwritten mutual understanding. Say, after about five or six dates he can attempt to kiss her. Not so with the preacher, for he must never succumb to pleasures of the flesh and must never yield to temptation. He must not lose his cloth, even if he gets hot under the collar. She in turn knows that being a parson, he will never make an approach. There is a certain safety there that sketel woman can enjoy. So being platonic is the name of the game.

But on the flip side, how does she know if he's really interested or just wants her as a friend? After all, they can only go on so many dates and discuss life. Well, she just has to play it by ear and keep her sketel ways in check. One thing is sure, their interests will be vastly different. His is steeped in the church, and matters religious, so she had better be prepared to listen to many long-winded spiels about religion, the ills and goodness of mankind, and faith - boundless, unwavering faith. Now remember, she is a woman of the world, a woman with a hint of sketel ways, a woman who used to love dancing, parties, socialising with friends, and more than a little excitement in her life. But she's growing older and she wants a man, and all the other guys were bitter disappointments, so why not try a man of honour and good moral fibre, a preacher?

But sacrifices will have to be made. Even if she doesn't delve deep into religion like him, she'll have to endure his lifestyle if she wants to keep him. He won't change to her ways, but she'll have to change to his. Many things will have to be expunged from her life. Even the books that she reads will have to change. Gone are the days of the trashy tabloids and meaningless magazines. Now they'll have to be wholesome, and when those people come knocking on her door selling Awake, she'll have to buy them and not chase them away like she used to.

Now she can read them and hold meaningful discussions of a religious nature when next she sees him. Gone are the days of her regular movie dates with her girlfriends. Now her films are censored, and no steamy, sexy stuff, but wholesome films, and you know how far between and infrequently those can occur. Even The Da Vinci Code is off limits as it questions prophecy and distorts certain areas of the Bible. The Ten Commandments, The Last Temptation of Christ, The Last Supper and others of that religious ilk are acceptable. Now this is a woman who used to love Sex and the City and that sort of TV show, so can you imagine her frustration?

Even jokes have to be censored, and she can't just buss out a raw-chaw laugh when she feels like. Only religious jokes are accepted when he's around. For example, "A priest, a rabbi, a minister and a shepherd walk into a bar holding a goat and a parrot. The bartender takes a long look at them and says, 'What's this, some sort of joke?' Or, a rabbi, a priest and a minister are all out fishing on a lake. The rabbi wants to pee, so he gets out of the boat and walks to land. After a while the priest does the same. When the minister tries, he sinks like a stone and almost drowns. At this point the rabbi says, 'Do you think we should have told him where the rocks to walk on are located?'

See, religious jokes can be funny, so no more risqué jokes for her. Then she'll have to endure his constant devotion to the church, and worse, his mother. Yes, his mother: for some reason young parsons are inordinately attached to their mothers, and the pride that these mothers take in their preacher sons knows no bounds. Naturally she will try to give the sketel her blessing and approval, but no matter what, no woman is good enough for her son, as they're all sketels in her eyes. The young woman will have to get used to having mother in her life, a life that's also immersed in the church.

Yes, everything he does involves the church, which is no longer a once-a-week experience for her, but every day of the week. Now it's a seven-day affair and three times on Sunday. Such a drastic change from a woman who used to visit church only for for christenings, weddings and funerals. At least she feels safe regarding his whereabouts, as there's no need to ask where he is. at the rectory or the church hall, of course. If she's devoted to him, she'll have to deal with his devotion.

As parson's woman, she'll have to be circumspect and dress the part. No more impy-skimpy revealing garb, but modest raiment. She'll have to walk the straight and narrow and can't even curse a driver who cuts her off in traffic. "Come now, Elizabeth, forgive him his transgressions, for he knows not what he does." Meanwhile, she wants to really let rip two "cloth", but the man of the cloth won't allow her to. Her car radio had better be tuned to Love FM only, and the only programmes that she can watch on TV are religious ones. "Blessed, did you watch Religious Hard Talk with Ian Boyne last night?" She had better watch it and be ready for a spirited discussion when he comes around for tea. No more Royal Palm or Days of Our Lives for her.

But it's when it comes to sex that the disparity between the preacher and the sketel looms large. She's been there before, but not with him. She has yielded to temptation, succumbed to pleasures of the flesh. He has had urges, but dedicated his adult life to restraint and constraint, putting all such thoughts behind him. If they do get married, it just may pose a problem for him to now unleash all those years of pent-up sexual frustration. The sex scenario should be mighty interesting.

Naturally, they'll only do it in the missionary position, for what's good for all those other preachers before him, should be good enough for him too. It must be done with religious regularity, but never on Sunday. She can't utter any profanity or take the Lord's name when the passion reaches fever pitch. She can't dare ask for more or even make an approach to initiate sex. "Woman, get thee behind me." But when he's ready, he'll show her the part in the Bible where it says, "Woman, submit to your husband." She'll have to not only know, but live by the Ten Commandments.

It's most challenging for a young woman to get involved with a man of the cloth, especially a woman of the world, a near sketel. No wonder many "buss out" and do strange things, have flings, or even worse. You know what they say about parson pickney, bad like yaws. The pressure is so intense, the straight and narrow so difficult to traverse. Is that why so many reverends find it difficult to keep a woman?

I know of many who have had, only to lose them after a while. The question is often asked, "Why is it that when they find the church, they get so boring?" Still, some do succeed, but it takes a very special woman. If you're a woman of the world, a one-time sketel, or a sketel in training, it will be most challenging to take a genuine, decent preacher as your man.

But hey, stick it out if you can, for the long-term rewards can be great. For one, you'll have a spokesperson to get you into heaven, for he'll do his best to steer you on the right path. And better yet, some of his goodness is bound to rub off on you.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

This is the century for the person of colour — Judge Joe Brown

The future shines for Chyna

Dr Donna Hope, hopes for the best of Sting