Jealous souls will not be answered so;
They are not even jealous for the cause,
But jealous for they are jealous.
- Shakespeare, Othello 111, 4

So, what is he saying, that we are naturally jealous, that we are driven by forces beyond our control, that we can't help ourselves, but are mere marionettes, puppets who dance to the whims and fancies of the green-eyed puppeteer? Or perhaps jealousy is learned, acquired as we grow older, then honed and taught by others, just like in school.

It's perhaps a bit like the theory of the chicken and the egg - which one really came first? I guess it really doesn't matter, as the fact remains, they are both already here, and we can enjoy both, one for breakfast, the other for lunch. Jealousy, though, is neither savoured nor enjoyed, but rather endured, suffered through, and pity the poor person who falls prey to the monster, which has more teeth than a shark's mouth.

Very often, people will boast, "Oh, I am not jealous, I am mature, I will just accept and allow my partner to do whatever and talk to whomever." And true, on the outside they may appear to live this lie, but the cold, hard fact is, they are burning up inside, seething with muted rage as their very souls are consumed by jealousy.

But just like athletes on drugs, they use a masking agent to hide their jealousy. Others, though, will freely admit to their jealousy, wear it like a badge of honour on their sleeves, and boast of how jealous they are. "You can gwaan, I am jealous and proud of it. It's the only way I know how to keep my lover in check. She must always walk a tightrope."

Clearly the theory is, if you show jealousy, then your lover will respect you more, and be afraid to step out of line. Maybe that's why some people mistake jealousy for love, and state that if their partner isn't jealous, then no love is there. Perhaps that's why over the years I've been accused of not loving enough, all because I do not display jealousy. But martial arts training does impact heavily in that area, and emotions are kept in check as discipline reigns supreme.

This debate was started when I asked readers to respond to the question, "Should wives always answer their spouses' cellphone?" Here are some responses.

"A man's cellphone is for his personal use, just as a woman's cellphone is for her personal use. His woman does not have the right to always answer his cellphone. It may become annoying to those trying to reach him to know that his wife will be the one to answer instead of him. It shows a certain loss of being in control on the part of the man, or of being in charge. If it is near her, she should be able to answer it, or she can pass it on to him to answer, but it should not be her duty. It all boils down to trust. She should be able to trust him enough to allow him to answer his own calls. It also goes for a man always answering his woman's phone."

Christine Ade-Gold

"I don't have a problem with it whatever. I will be married for 11 years in July, to the same woman, and we practise some of the old-time methods of marriage, a joint account, no individual or secret accounts, constant communication and trust. People tend to make major issues out of things that are really minor. To be successful in marriage, one must ensure that the trust level is always adhered to."
Michael Douglas

As far as I am concerned, it takes a brave or naïve man to allow his cellphone to fall into the hands of his wife. And not because he's carrying on anything illicit either, or has any secrets. I just believe in privacy, the same way I close the bathroom door, or wouldn't barge in on my woman who's in the bathroom. Certain boundaries ought to be respected. That spurred the question about open marriages, but that's for the future. Today it's school of jealousy, and what to do to perfect the act.

If you're a woman, it may come naturally, at least the basics will, although you may need a little polishing up, a la finishing school. If your man is popular and has lots of female friends, you can't throw a hissy fit every time he speaks to a woman. That's one more reason why you shouldn't answer his cellphone, you can't know who that female voice is. Hey, it could be his co-worker, or his cousin.

Instead, try and get to the phone when he's asleep, then scroll through the menu and write down all his frequently called numbers, and those on speed dial. Write them down in a secret place, and from time to time use an unlisted number to call and find out who is on the other end. That way you will have names and numbers in your data bank. That's far better than screaming at him and asking questions every time his phone rings or if he speaks to another woman.

Every few months just drop a name and watch his reaction. Then you'll know if he's lying or not. Still, there are countermeasures, as this lady wrote and told me. She said that her lover allowed his wife to answer his phone, and one day when she called him, the wife answered. The lady didn't call his name, but acted like it was a wrong number and hung up. The wife called back, but the lady still insisted that it was a misdial. The wife then asked a child to call, but the lady caught on and repeated that it was a misdial. Months have passed and the wife still asks him about that mysterious call, but to no avail. So there are countermeasures in the school of jealousy.

The school of jealousy insists that reading your spouse's e-mail is useless. Many women have the habit of standing over their man's shoulder when he checks his mail, all in the hope that they will catch a name or letter from some lover. Useless. E-mails mean nothing, and people of both sexes have e-mail friends who they talk to in the most familiar and seemingly intimate ways, but it means nothing. Some they haven't even met, or haven't seen in donkey's years. Either that, or a jealous woman will try and get the man's password (or some idiot husband will actually give it to his wife) then snoop into their e-mail and read stuff.

That's misplaced jealousy and unnecessary aggravation, as most of those e-mails are only harmless releases from people. What you should check, though, is if he spends too much time on the Internet, and not enough time with you. So if every night he's on for three or four hours, then clearly he's distracted, and you should be jealous, not of who he's e-mailing, but the fact that he's spending so much time away from you. You should ask yourself why, instead of throwing a jealous fit.

Do not sniff the man's clothes when he comes home. That is a demeaning and insulting display of jealousy, and yet it seems to be done by many women. Men are in constant contact with women all the time on any given day, so some perfume is bound to rub off on his clothes. Instead, check to see if he's too clean when he comes home. Now that's the indicator, not the perfume, but the lack of it.

"How come you so fresh, nuh perfume at all pon yu, is some woman yu was with nuh?" Still, the countermeasure is, some mistresses have taken to wearing their man's cologne, so even when he leaves her house, he smells the same. Counter-intelligence measures again. If the man comes home late and is not hungry, don't throw a jealous fit. That's so old school and is no indicator that the man has eaten at another woman's house. Be more concerned if he comes in late and insists on eating, even though his favourite meal wasn't prepared. Chances are he's covering up something, so the school of jealousy says, be on the alert.

In the area of sex, more does not indicate increased love, and less does not mean diminished love. Don't throw a fit if he neglects you, maybe he's just tired or preoccupied. The hard fact is, if he's active elsewhere, he'll be active with you too, just to maintain a balance. It's when he changes drastically that you should be on the alert. When, after years of lying fallow, he suddenly starts to make kinky demands, then you should put on your jealousy cap.

If the man couldn't count past 68, then suddenly he wants to always stop at 69, then take note, someone else has him at night school.

Life does imitate art, for in a scene from the hit play Below the Waist, for years the wife would beg for 'even a swipe', and the man wouldn't, but now suddenly he's an overindulger, so suspicions were aroused. That's school of jealousy lesson number 10. So instead of carrying on like a mad person with jealous fits, just do what the school of jealousy says, play it cool, bide your time and all shall be revealed.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

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