Please ye may we contrive this afternoon.
And do as adversaries do in law,
Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends.
- Shakespeare, The Taming of The Shrew 1,2

Such is the code of men, that even though they may be adversaries in many quarters, and they strive mightily, locking horns and bucking heads, they still eat and drink as friends. One could say that it's a man thing and not what women tend to do.

A few weeks ago, I touched on the subject of women not liking each other, not bonding as men do, and generally not getting along as men do. If I recall, it was actor Rex Harrison who sang in the movie, My Fair Lady, "Why can't a woman, be more like a man?" Then he went on and cited all the reasons why.

"Why can't a woman, be more like a man, men are so honest, so thoroughly square, eternally noble, hitoric'ly fair who when you win, will always give your back a pat. Well, why can't a woman, be like that? Men are so decent, such regular chaps, ready to help you through any mishaps, ready to buck you up whenever you are glum, why can't a woman, be a chum?"

Well, perhaps another reason why women don't get along is that they fight with no rules, no code of conduct, but have a no-holds-barred approach to any confrontation. Who else would tear off each other's clothes in public? Hey, remember the phrase 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' should not be taken lightly, also, 'the female of the species is deadlier than the male.'

They also say that women are like cats, so just try and picture a room full of a hundred felines. You can't tame them, you can't train them, you can't control them and you can't herd them as you would cattle. And oh, those claws and fangs, beware, beware. Men, on the other hand, have a general code of conduct, and even though I was basically aware of it, it was a woman who e-mailed me the International Laws of Men. It's the glue, the bond that keeps men together, the unwritten code of the jungle that only a few men will break.

The laws may sound simple, but they are effective and keep the male gender civilised. That's why they have all-male clubs and even Lord's in England and Kingston Cricket Club out here were exclusively male until recently, so before you curse me, I didn't make the rules, I just report them.

First of all, no two men should ever share an umbrella, no matter how hard it's raining. Can you just imagine two big, strapping, tough-back men walking down the street under one umbrella? What a spectacle that would be, and the first thing that people would do is second-guess their sexuality. Would they both hold the umbrella, or would one man hold it for the other, much like a valet would? So it's simpler not to share, but have one man walk in the rain instead.

Another law states that men do not cry, but as in all things legal, there are extenuating circumstances, one of which is if the man's dog dies. It's a known fact that a dog is a man's best friend, and if a man's big Labrador, Rotweiller or German Shepherd dies, it's okay to cry. This, of course, does not apply to those little dogs that think that they are cats, you know, the type whose feet never touch ground, always being held like babies, and have names like Poochie and Fifi. I'm talking about real dogs. The same applies if his best friend dies too, but the dog takes precedence, and precedent is law.

A man should never cry to a woman for sex, and that's a topic that I shall explore further as soon as veteran super journalist Wyvolyn Gager furnishes me with her research material, so look out for it. Yes, folks, men do weep while begging for sex, but it's a practice frowned upon by the caretakers of the law. And speaking of sex, most men will have sex with any woman if they could do so and get away with it, and they grapple with this conflict every day, but there are boundaries.

The laws of men state that if you know a man for any period of time, then his sister is off limits, unless you plan to marry her. Oh, men have been known to sleep with their friend's wives, but their bredrin's sister is a definite no-no. The same applies to brothers' gilrlfriends too. It's a statistical fact that more sisters will deal with and take away their sister's man than brothers will take away their sibling's woman. Do your own research and you'll see that it's true. "My word, me sister take away me man again, I never shoulda introduce them," yet few brothers have that experience. It's against the laws of men.

No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. It's okay to remember his birthday, and even go out and have a few drinks, visit a go-go club and have a good time, but to buy a present.I don't think so. Imagine the scenario, 'Hey Blacka, I bought you a bottle of your favourite cologne, happy birthday." It just does not sit well with the council of laws.

And speaking of celebration at strip bars and night clubs, a man must never ever order one of those fruity alcoholic drinks with the little umbrellas on top. You know, those Piña Coladas, Margaritas, Frangie Pangie exotic-named drinks with the fancy colours. The law states that he may drink it only if it's free and delivered by a topless waitress, otherwise it's strictly beer, rum and Coke or Pepsi, vodka, gin or even a Ting, but leave those pretty-coloured drinks alone.

They say that loose lips sink ships, and they will sink men too. Never ever join your girlfriend or wife if she's discussing a man who you know, especially if he's a friend of yours, as that's tantamount to treason. Imagine the woman saying, "As for the one Pablo, him is a real womaniser, cheating on his wife all the time," and then the man chimes in, "Yes dear, it's so true, I have spoken to him about his behaviour all the time, but he never listens to me." Men like that should be taken outside and tarred and feathered until they cry.

One other law of men is the bathroom law. Now, it's well known that women love to go to the bathroom and chat to their hearts' content. How often have you heard, "Come Michelle, follow me to the ladies' room, I have something to tell you." You know that they're going to hold court in there, but men never do that. Once in the bathroom there should be a code of silence among men. Whether he is sitting down on the throne in the washroom at Carib Cinema, or standing before the urinal doing his thing, the most that should be allowed is a cursory almost imperceptible nod. No man should ever talk to another man while he is holding his penis in his hand, and worse yet, a man must never look across at another man's member while at the urinal. It's simply bad form and against the laws of men. Look anywhere else: at the ceiling, the floor, the walls, but never at the man's member. That's why they're called privates.

Oh, women will look at each other's breasts and even touch on occasion, but it's against the laws of men to do that. This touchy-feely thing is for females only. Women can always do that, hold hands, feel each other, apply lotions to each other, stroke each other's hair and even rest their heads in their girlfriend's laps. But all that is forbidden for men. Just visualise the scenario and you'll understand why this law is so strict and must be adhered to.

As for compliments, it's against the law for a man to compliment another man. "Hi Rupert, your six pack look good man, the gym really paying off, plus your hair really bawling out since you change your gel, and your cologne really smell good." Now you see why men have laws against that sort of thing. If broken, there is no court of arbitration, no appeal, no supreme court, and ignorance is no excuse of the law.

It's okay to compliment your woman though, as much as you want, but keep the 'I love you' to a whisper when in the company of men. Tell her when you reach home, or if you want sex, but keep those words private.

Now the Olympics were a few weeks ago, and what a spectacle it was, especially our performance, but even there the laws of men applied. Sure, there were other sports apart from track and field, football and such, but the law states that no way should a group of men watch men's gymnastics, ice skating or men's diving. It's permissible only if a woman is in the room, but if it's an all-male forum, then the channel should be changed or they should talk amongst each other until the sport changes. But to sit glued to the TV and watch those sports is against the law.

The rules of men may seem strict, stringent and harsh, but they are necessary for the gender to survive. Even in the jungle there is discipline with the alpha male and others, who keep order. Justice is swift and certain for those who break the law, they get downtrodden and controlled by women. Now, if only a woman could furnish me with Laws of Women, I would gladly share them.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

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