In me more woes than words
Are now depending,
And my laments would be drawn out too long
To tell them all with one poor tired tongue.

- Shakespeare, The Rape of Lucrece

IT really is a sad time in a person's life when they can lament that there are more woes than words to tell. Even to cut a long story short about their crosses would take forever, so woeful are they.

And yet, that is the fate that has befallen many people I know, and I tell you, they do pour their troubles on me. People who for some reason have reason to cut the ties that bind, shake off the shackles of matrimony, cut loose from the tethers that tie, and separate from the person whom they once loved. Yes, I'm talking about that final split as you leave your lover.

For some reason, I have been privy to the insight of the minds of people and why they call it quits, and why they decide to take that plunge into the unknown, for yes, it is uncharted territory that one ventures into when one decides to leave. But the option of leaving is often far better than staying. And yet, some will still stay and wallow in the misery, despair and loss of self, preferring to tell their tales of woe to whoever will listen. Well, this is all about those who decide to take action and leave, not those who decide to stay and suffer, and the data that makes them decide that it's time to go.

Interestingly, it was an article that I read last week that suggested that the number one reason why people part ways is because of money. Yes, money, the love of it, or the lack of it is the root of all travails, and is enough to make couples go their separate ways; and who better to corroborate these findings than Judge Lynn Toler of the TV show Divorce Court. She has seen thousands of cases in her courtroom, and she contends that most break-ups are caused by one thing - money. So many couples, married or not, have suffered and split because of financial folly. In some cases they foolishly enter into the union and have a joint bank account only. Oops, big mistake, as money and love don't mix, and even though they think that they're in love and what's mine is thine, usually it ends up being all mine and not thine. So I advise you, keep a little mine for yourself, stashed away somewhere.

In many cases, one party in the relationship has a bigger eye for spending than the other, resulting in resentment, as the imbalance is too much to bear. Sometimes the wife likes to keep up with the Joneses and spends far more than they earn, or perhaps he has a deficit problem and loves to gamble, buy liquor, spend on wine, women and song. Or perhaps it's just a matter of priorities. "How can you want to buy a plasma TV and we don't own a washing machine?" she cries, and so the quarrelling begins until it's splitsville. For whatever reason, this one pot to serve two is a recipe for disaster, for invariably one will dip more often than the other. In other cases it's the borrowing syndrome, where either the man or the woman constantly 'borrows' from the other without having any intention of paying back. The data shows that more men do this than women. For some strange reason many couples tend to think that it's okay to borrow from each other and never pay back the loan. "Cho, honey, like how we is one now, I didn't know that you wanted it back?" Usually it's a one-way street, with one always borrowing and never paying back, resulting in resentment and seething anger that can fester for years. Surely a recipe for disaster.

It's usually hardly ever mentioned, but I have discovered that sex, the love of it, or the lack of it, is also included in the data of why couples call it quits. Oh sure, many people will outwardly say that it does not matter and will stick it out or take a lover on the side, but the long-term effects can be devastating, and they leave because of the sliding scale of sexual desire. As one man told me, "It's not that she stopped having sex with me, but that she no longer desired me enough to want to have sex with me."

It wasn't only the physical act that he missed, but he was hurt that his woman no longer wanted him. He could live without it if she was sick or disabled, but just knowing that her desire had diminished, disappeared, was enough for him to break up with her. Oh yes, women have expressed the same sentiments too, but for some reason do not place as big a premium on it as men. But you know that there are spin-offs and sub-plots to this sex thing that all lead to the inevitable break-up, with the main one being infidelity. A man will take almost anything, but if his woman is unfaithful to him, then he's leaving the scene of her crime. It matters not what led her to do it - his neglect, abuse, blows to her self-esteem - all he sees is that she gave away the goodies, his goodies, so it's time to split.

The data is irrefutable, unquestionable, unchallenged, conclusive, that one chief reason for break-ups is infidelity. Most men just can't handle it, to know that their woman lay with another man. The data shows that fewer women will leave a man for this reason than the other way around, but she will leave if he takes her for granted or stops showing her attention. "As the years slipped by, so did his respect for me and I felt like I was merely a piece of furniture. He just wanted me to be there, doing his bidding, with no care for my feelings," this sad lady told me. And yet in public we would not know of their woes, as the façade of marital bliss overshadows the strife and discord behind the plastic smiles. So even when women will leave because they're taken for granted, men will leave because they're taken for a fool. So many women will be carrying on with their deeds and misdeeds, and just because the man says nothing, they step on the gas and rev up their raunchiness even more. Not only will this lead to break-ups, but also domestic violence, as a man who's taken for a fool is a dangerous man. It's said that hell hath no fury like a women spurned, but there's also much fury and rage in a man who's taken for a fool. Just check out those stories of murder/suicides and you'll see that in most cases the man was a simple, quiet, humble man who just lost it because his woman took him for a fool. I spoke to various men about this, and there was one common factor, they felt hurt by being taken for a fool. "She thought that I was an idiot, and is that really hurt me. How could she really expect me to believe that management meetings would be held every Friday and Saturday until 3:00 am? Better she tell me a decent lie, like her sister sick or something, but don't take big man for idiot," this guy told me.

The need for power is also a factor, and in these modern times, with so many women having big jobs and earning far more than their partners, it often leads to a shift in the balance of power. It may be subtle, surreptitious, slipping and sliding over a period of years, or it may land like a ton of bricks. It often happens when the wife lands a great new high-paying job, then suddenly she's aware that her net worth is great, she has money in the bank, has a platinum credit card, can buy stuff and doesn't really need her man for anything financial. She's now worth more than him and will let him know it. One day he wakes up and he's wearing the skirt and she's wearing the pants. Or it may happen suddenly if he loses his job and now has to depend on her income to support them both. Dog nyam him supper, for it will be forever dashed in his face. She calls the shots, she makes the plans, she pays the bills. It also happens if he doesn't own a place and moves into hers, marries into her family and gets to live in her daddy's 'dead leff' house. He is relegated to Mr Also Ran, and run he may, if he can afford to leave, that is. Sad tales of woe, told to me by sad men.

Then there's the need for space which some couples never seem to understand. One party always seems to think that being intertwined like vines or snakes is healthy, and living like conjoined twins is the way to be. All that does is smother the relationship, but if one dares to mention that they want space, it's instant grounds for break-up. And don't believe that it's only women either, for many men want their women to account for each hour of the day. "It's work, then home to me, nowhere else, no gym, no karate class, no Bible Study, no girls' night out, just me, yu hear?!"

The data is there, people break up for different reasons, while some remain and endure the misery. But all is not lost as some couples are happy together, they respect each other, respect each other's money, don't take each other for granted, respect each other's sexual needs, have no power struggle and communicate. They may be few and far between and may also fall in the older category, but they do exist and leave the door open for the rest. So I'm told. More time.

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