Hope is a lover's staff;
Walk hence with that,
And manage it against despairing thoughts.
Shakespeare, The Two Gentlemen of Verona 111,1

Hope may be a lover's staff, yes, but it can also be a crutch, something for them to lean on emotionally, as they hobble alone, never standing erect and saying, "I am whole, I love myself, I can exist without an attachment, I am somebody."

I got some very interesting correspondence last week, one from a gentleman who complained that his wife was suffering
from Obamamania.

Apparently she wasn't feeling too well, so dutiful, caring and loving husband that he was, he decided to give her a warm bath, anoint her with oils, herbs and salts and scrub her down in the hope that she would feel better. Lo and behold, in the middle of his husbandly tenderness, the woman blurted out, "Why can't you be like Obama, look how in his speeches he always mentions his wife and bigs her up, saying that all he is, he owes to her?" Obamamania hit him, and he continued to say that because of Obama, nothing that he now does can ever measure up.

Well, I assured him not to lose heart, for that's the way women are, as I've written about on many occasions. No matter what you do, or how often you do it, it's never enough, plus they'll always compare you with some other 'great' guy anyway. Now it's Mr Obama who has not only set the standard, but raised the bar for the ordinary guy who's trying his best to please his woman. I also advised him not to worry too much, as I'm sure that Mr Obama's wife gets on his case from time to time. "So now you're president and I'm proud, but just make sure that you're home in time to see the girls every night and don't leave your socks on the floor either." But seriously though, the Obama family is a boost, a fillip to family values worldwide and a fine example to us all.

Then I received a very interesting phone call from a lady in distress who asked me if I couldn't find a nice man for her. I get many of those on a regular basis and I'm considering opening a dating service, seeing as how I'm viewed as the solver of all relationship problems and the supplier of men to lonely women. They have the urge and I'm the dealer, the man with the fix, but I do try to help in any way that I can. When I asked what type of man, the answers are mighty interesting as they are varied. Usually it's, "Oh, someone like you, don't you have a brother?"

Now, like Obama, I'm the standard by which other men are judged? The irony is, my brother was a far better person than I am. What a cross to bear, though. But still, I ask them to explain what type of men they desire, give me a biopic, a general outline, just in case any of my male friends fit the bill. The other irony is, I don't have that many close male friends, although I do know a lot of people, but I still promised to look around to see if I saw anyone who looked like a likely prospect. It's almost like keeping your eyes peeled for an available house, or a used car, or a job. "So what can you do?" "Oh, anything." See the problem?.. which is similar when I ask about their preferences. "So what type of man you're looking for?" "Oh, a nice man." "Well I know a nice guy who's involved in the church." But before I could even say what denomination or where the church was, the reply shot back, "No, no, no, I don't want any church man, I much prefer a sinner."

Well, okaaaay, I guess in her mind sinners have more fun and church men are either too boring or do not sin. Now I'm not casting any aspersions or stones here, but I don't think that those ladies have been following the news about church men, for if it's fun that they want, then those guys are the way to go. I won't repeat any of the reports about church men and their lusty ways, for fear of incurring the wrath of my old family friend, Mrs Gayle, plus some of my aunts, but we all read about the exploits of not only men of the cloth, but brothers and sister of the flock too. But just as an aside, women are also seeking the services of necromancers, obeah men and reader men to tie their men, based on a report that I saw in the papers recently. Yes, women are paying up to $40,000 to tie, or bind their men to them, so desperate they are to hang on to a man. Some want to catch them, others want to bind them when they catch them. Ah, women, so complex.

One woman then said that she read about the young-man-older-woman scenario, but she would have none of it. "No way, that is not for me, I don't want any damn young boy coming to mooch off me and be like my son, I want a mature man." Okay, so I suggested that I know a gentleman who is mature, around 65 years old and would suit her perfectly if it's maturity she wanted. But her response was equally harsh, "Sixty-five years old, you must be mad, that is just five years away from bedpan, I am only 46, and I can't take that aggravation." Five years away from bedpan, that was new to me, and what a cold and cruel thing to say, but at least she was being honest. I then suggested that I knew a guy who was in his forties, but had never been married, thinking that she would jump at the prospect, but again I was wrong.

"Never married.then something must be wrong with him, how can a man be in his forties and never married?" She continued to say that she couldn't take that chance, as she's too old to find out what great faults he had why no one would marry him, or why he didn't get married in the first place. "Next thing him is latent homosexual," she ended with.

But the irony is startling, for many women do not want any divorced man either. "If he's divorced, it means that he's damaged goods, emotionally scarred, has hang-ups and has a distorted view of women and will just take out his frustrations on me." One lady even said that she doesn't want a man with grown daughters, as they can be worse than any ex-wife. "I have this friend whose husband's daughters give her hell, always comparing her with their mother and in fact blame her for wrecking their parents' marriage." The fact that she's the same age as the daughters doesn't help either and does add a bit to the disaster.

Naturally the question of finances came up and some of the ladies of Hope Eternal expressed that they don't want any man who was a victim of any failed financial scheme either. "I don't want to hear any excuse about his money tied up in any unregulated financial scheme and that he's waiting for a bailout. Next thing he'll expect me to bail him out and my name is not Finsac, so just keep him far from me. I want a man who is financially viable and can ride the waves of the global financial bad weather." At least most of the ladies expressed that looks were not all that important, and neither was partying nor plenty sex.

"Listen, I'm not shallow at all, so he doesn't have to be Mr Handsome, plus those good-looking guys are too full of themselves anyway, and have women all over the place. And as for partying and sex, I've been there, done that, and it's not that important to me right now." "Of course a little going out now and then and the occasional sex is nice, but it's not a major priority," another lady told me.

Well at this point I had to suggest to these women that they can't just live in their boxes and expect to find a man. "You can't just stay home, go to work, then go back home and expect to find anybody," I said. You have to socialise, mix, mingle, go out, even to gyms, bingo sessions, sporting events, even shopping at Pricemart or Megamart, and hanging around the large appliance department may prove fruitful as men love to stare at big screen TVs. Strike up a conversation about LCD versus Plasma. Oh, they live in Hope Eternal and clearly there is a problem but I won't say it, I'll leave it to Shakespeare who said, "The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope."

I'm sure that many of these women didn't just get to this place by chance, but were once involved with men and were happy at one time in their lives. But something happened, and now they're alone and living in eternal hope with enormous standards and high ideals. Now to compound it, every man has to be like Mr Obama. But the question is, what happened in their past to place them in this pitiful purgatory of hopelessness? The old folks used to say, "Live in Hope and die in Constant Spring," referring of course to areas of our country. It was an old joke, but humour has a way of bearing some truth. Hope springs eternal. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

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