Hubby says he needs space

Let’s talk

With WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, January 30, 2012

Dear Counsellor,

I love my husband very deeply, but our five-year marriage is in trouble. I must admit we talked about counselling, but work schedules made it hard to follow through. I became suspicious of my husband when I came across some condoms in his drawer. I didn't address it but then he started coming home odd hours and would go straight to bed. Then he was paying very little attention to me and a little more to his phone. He would come home after 10:00 pm reeking of alcohol and saying he was out with friends. One day I did one thing I told myself I wasn't going to do and I checked his phone, because his actions were eating me up. I accessed his phone texts and there it was — he as actually having intimate conversations with three different women! I confronted him and he said nothing for a week. Now he tells me that he needs space. I don't want to end my marriage but he's driving me to the edge. What should I do?

It seems there is a high degree of suspicion and distrust which are indicators of a failing relationship. No doubt the communication will deteriorate as one or both parties will shut out the other. It appears as if the passion you both had at the beginning of the relationship has dissipated, which has resulted in your husband being distracted and you feeling ignored. When a couple gets too busy and don't spend enough quality time together, more often than not one or both parties will get extraordinarily close to those they are frequently around or they seek out others who will provide emotional stimulation and support.

The request for personal space is suggesting that he wants time and latitude to conduct his wayward deeds with little or no challenge from you. Usually when one partner requests time out in the relationship he/she will use the time to reflect on the state of the union and decide on a plan of action for the relationship. I'm not sure this is what he is doing.

You seem to have seen convincing telltale signs that indicate that your husband may well be involved in an extramarital affair, chief of which is his excuse of 'hanging out with the boys'. For your own protection it is recommended that he use a condom when engaging in sexual intercourse with you as he may not be consistently using condoms elsewhere.

You have indicated that you want to save your marriage, but the both of you must be on the same page regarding the future of the relationship. He must first of all agree that there are problems in the relationship that need to be addressed and be willing to do deal with the issues. If he is in fact being unfaithful, he needs to desist and make amends. Failure to do so would result in a total collapse of the marriage.

I urge you both to find the time and initiate the counselling sessions, as soon as possible, so that open, honest discussions and dialogue can begin.

You both have to make a concerted effort to save the marriage.

Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com. The counsellor does not offer legal or medical advice.

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Hubby says he needs space