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With WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, January 23, 2012

Dear Counsellor

I am having a problem. I am 20-years-old and I have been in a relationship with a 19-year-old for nine months now. I having been noticing that we do not communicate as much as we used to do and after doing something special for him like cooking or taking him on picnics or just hanging out, the next day it is as if I do not exist. It has really taken a toll on me. I can't sleep most nights because I do love him and he says he loves me too, but this is really weighing on my mind because I'm now thinking he has someone else. Also, I'm always the one to communicate with him and if I don't try to for a while, that's when he tries to contact me. I don't know whether to end it or just try to adjust to it. I have been hurt in the past and I can't take another heartbreak. Am I expecting too much, or is he cheating?

Teddy Pendergrass sang a song that says, It's so good loving somebody and that somebody loves you back. For any relationship to survive there must reciprocity on all levels. So one can understand your frustration as you give and don't receive in return.

So when did you notice his decreased interest? Is there an event that took place in his life that has made him withdrawn? Or was he always like this but you were not acknowledging it? Or now that the novelty of the relationship has worn off is he now showing his true colours?

There are some selfish men who believe that the woman must always cater to all their needs and they are not expected to or refuse to return the favour. There is also another school of thought that there is a shortage of men so any woman who is lucky enough to secure one must ensure she overextends herself to keep him happy so that he does not stray. Some women buy into that argument and drive themselves to an emotional wreck as they strive to keep their men.

You need to express your feelings of hurt to the young man. Let him know that you are feeling a sense of frustration in the relationship and that you wish him to consider your feelings. If he loves you as you say he does, then he must demonstrate this by his action of care and concern over your emotional health and well-being. Your choice to adjust to it is an option that comes with certain consequences. The truth is, if he does not decide to adjust his own behaviour, then be prepared to have many sleepless nights as you strive to maintain a one-sided relationship.

It would not hurt to do an introspective examination of your own expectations of the relationship. Could it be you that you are coming on to strongly as you strive to avoid a repeat of the pain of the last relationship? How soon after the former relationship did you enter the current one? Did you put closure to the former relationship? Sometimes women in a bid to justify their sense of worth, rush into a rebound relationship before taking time out to get over the last failed relationship.

Bear in mind also that at age 19 most young men are not ready for committed relationships. They would rather play the field a bit and not be restricted to one particular woman.

You are both young and have time in your favour. Don't get too preoccupied with a male companion at this time; spend some time working on developing and enhancing your self-esteem. Where are you with your tertiary education? How are you with establishing your career? These are two critical areas at this stage of your life that should take high priority. At 20 you should not be bogged down with man problems. Learn to love yourself and take a piece of good advice from Chino, Nuh put nuh (man) pon yuh head.

Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com. The counsellor does not offer legal or medical advice.

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I can't sleep...