Mariah Carey has a song on her "Merry Christmas" Album entitled "All I Want For Christmas Is You".

It starts like this "I don't want a lot for Christmas; There is just one thing I need; I don't care about presents; Underneath the Christmas tree; I just want you for my own; More than you could ever know; Make my wish come true.

All I want for Christmas is you." That is how anyone in love would feel. No present, nothing could possibly mean as much as having that one special person in your life at Christmas time.
There are so many people who are lonely: some by choice - others because it is inflicted.

Many of us spent have spent many Christmases alone without that special person. I think that we have problems with Christmas and New Years' because we fail to accept our situation - we fail to accept our lot, self-inflicted or not.

Maybe it is because, traditionally, we all place a lot of emphasis on Christmas. Apart from the presents part, there is the feeling of sharing. We are sharing our space with that one special person.

Someone totally in synch with us, who can make us laugh or cry, who makes us remember the feel-good things, like that special walk in the park, our first kiss, our lives fulfilled and at peace. We yearn for that person because life takes on a special dimension that transcends any poem or prose one could write to encapsulate those powerful feelings.

Of course, the magic often stops before we want it to. We grow apart. We fall out of love. One of us dies or leaves. Yes, Christmas is so lonely under those conditions. When your heart is hurting; when you feel like the world has stopped spinning on its axis, what can you do to get through those times?

The secret is to be alone but never lonely. That is how one gets through Christmas time. When we love, we seldom prepare ourselves for those times when we may be alone. Yes, couples must do things together but they also must learn to do things apart.

The true test of love is being able to do things without our loved one. Even twins come into this world separately.
Far too many of us are preoccupied with having a man or a woman to love us and it is that very pre-occupation that often prevents us from finding something special.

In my own life, I have found that happiness and love come when you least expect it. I believe that you have to let go sometimes and let God. We all seem so hell-bent on finding love or happiness outside, not realising that it stems from within.

If you are one who looks at appearances, you will obsess about not having your own man to do things with. Sure it is wonderful to have someone with whom you can share a meal or see a movie and the sex may be good - but after the sex, what?

That is where a lot of people get stuck. Now, if you put a lot of importance on love you ought to realise that finding that one special person is not easy. The biggest part of the problem could be a failure to know what you really want and not being able to recognize it when you have it.

So many people have someone in their lives and yet are still lonely. A lot of women I know feel that they are less than feminine without a man to escort them. A lot of men may have the most beautiful woman on their arm but they are lonely.

It is a state of mind. We are as happy or as sad because of our understanding and acceptance of ourselves. No man or woman can make us happy. Happiness comes from within. That is why when we are happy, we radiate it.

Some people deal with Christmas by sulking. They become reclusive or they go on a reckless, roller-coaster, emotional binge. Men do it all the time. They try to add many women to the notches in their belts, but, alas, they wake up feeling an emptiness that cannot be filled.

Women who do that end up with a reputation and usually no man when they are trying so hard to find a permanent one.
The key to Christmas alone is to choose your functions very carefully. You cannot meet that right person if you lock yourself away.

One day, you must come up for air. It also helps if you love your own company and can lose yourself in a good book, a movie or music. I am not saying it is easy. I firmly do not believe in rebound relationships. They occlude natural feelings.

They don't allow one to truly grieve. Grieving is very important. You grieve for as long as it takes and then you get a new lease on life. If your mate leaves or dies, the grieving is no less, especially if you loved him/her. If you are like me, you will take life as it comes until you reach there and you know it.

The problem is that we want the brass ring right away. It is only when we have loved, truly loved that we can ever begin to understand just where we are and where we want to be. Once we understand ourselves, I believe half the battle is won.

Joy Crawford is a freelance writer.

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