We all know that women, although they enjoy sex, often end up in sexual ruts. My first observation, as a woman, is that we women use sex as a weapon. We use it to control men and keep them on a leash because we know that the average man lives and dies for sex.

It's like we have sex as bait and, once the man is hooked, we tighten the line and cut him very little slack, unless he no longer has any use to us.

Whether men admit it or not, women are masters of the game called sex. We are the ones who determine not only the sexual repast but also its frequency. It is the desire to please or not please our man that will mould the sexual arena in which we find ourselves.

Now a lot of us will cry headache, tiredness or pre-menstrual stress in order not to make love. Many of us view sex as an obligation and that is why we seem so callous with our attention or lack thereof. I am at a loss, though, as to why some women bother with relationships when they are not prepared to have sex.

Having sex ought to be as natural as sunshine, if two persons really care about each other. It is then not only the physical act of copulation, but also a communing of souls. You draw an inner strength from your partner whom you love with all your heart. A lot of women cry tiredness, etc to get out of sex.

There is no denying that we do get tired from all the things we have to do in a given day as women, but far too many of us use it as a cop out.

It is not good to turn your back on your man and claim tiredness, especially when it becomes too old. We need to meet our men halfway so that we minimise their propensity to stray.

When we lock shop on our men, we are giving them the perfect excuse to find comfort in the arms of another woman/other women. The tragedy is that, by the time we realise what is wrong, our men have found better substitutes.

Now I am not, for one minute, discounting tiredness, PMS or headaches, etc. They are real afflictions but all of them are surmountable. Women need to speak the same language as their men.

If you are tired, I would recommend that you gently tell your partner to just allow you to get a few hours' rest and wake you in the morning. There is nothing more tantalising than being awakened by the amorous attention of your spouse.

That can do wonders for your sex life and certainly does not preclude going to sleep snuggled together; the same for a headache. Take two aspirin and wake up prepared to tantalise him.

Additionally, if two people are attuned to one another, they really don't need to negotiate sex. When you love someone, you really don't need to negotiate anything other than where you want to do it.
I think that if you have to actively negotiate sex, something is amiss in your relationship.

The whole idea is to keep those fires burning like the ravages of hell. Your man ought to just think about you and want you to distraction. The challenge is to make him can't wait to have you.

One sure trick is to wear tantalising negligees or nothing to bed. No healthy-bodied male can resist a warm, pliant body beside him. I know a man who only sleeps in the nude.

Well, his woman comes to bed nude too because she has long recognised that he doesn't like any impediment. With that, there is no need for negotiation. Talk about a torrid sex life!

You can also walk around the house with absolutely nothing on. Unless your man is made of metal, you can be assured that he will rise to the occasion! And if you have kids around to damper the mood, a good trick is to wear a smock without any underwear.

It drives men mad to know that it is all within reach. They hanker for you even more. I know a girl who actually went to work without any underwear. She did it for her midday trysts with a married man; never mind that she was married to someone else.

She would call the man in the middle of a board meeting and tell him that she had on no underwear and wanted him then and there. He, poor lamb to the slaughter, would quickly wrap up his board meeting and they would go get 'busy.'

The point is to tantalise, tantalise and tantalise. What far too many of us do is go to bed angry or hold a grudge, lock shop and slam the door in our partner's face. That is a no-no, if you truly want your man. The best cure for any quarrel is not to quarrel.

The men can't deal with it. They are so eager to please that they soon do their best to improve. Sex, my friends, is a great equalizer, even when he thinks he is upset with you. Every other part of him may be except his sexual organ.

If we remember all this, we won't need to negotiate a thing, except a little respite so that we can catch our breath, between the sexual marathons.

Joy Crawford is an attorney-at-law.

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