You've met the man of your dreams and you're having
a wonderful courtship. Everything you want in a spouse is there. Your wedding is a dream come true and the honeymoon is all you wanted and more. Married life is bliss...

Then you wake up.
The wedding and the honeymoon period are now over and the reality of married life has set in. You realise that he's a toothpaste-in-the-sink kinda guy, a serial scratcher and a lazy couch potato.

The reality is, as a couple there will be a certain amount of adjustments you will need to make because, over time, you will get to see the real person. You will begin to find out more about their personality, their likes and dislikes, their mood swings, and their views on certain issues and how they handle those issues.

So he's not paying you as much attention as he used to. He doesn't help with the housework and the children; there is a lack of communication about what he is doing that affects you; you do not spend enough quality time together; there is a lack of support for you in your career as he feels you should stay at home and be a housewife.

Added to that, there isn't as much romance in the marriage as you'd like, he doesn't listen to you when you tell him how your day has been; his bad habits annoy you to no end and the plans you made to have your own home and move out of your in-laws' have gone out the window. Then he goes and loses his job and won't make the effort to find a new one.

Know that in any marriage a couple will go through stages where they disagree about something or the other and it causes conflict. And of course your unhappiness will take a toll on the marriage. But what to do? Rather than thinking of ways to do him ill, remember that he will want the marriage to work as much as you do.

Here are some guidelines to help you resolve your conflicts.
. Have ground rules for settling conflicts that you both agree to. Create an appropriate time to develop your ground rules, a time when you are both calm and at peace with each other. If the tension is very bad, you need to be strong enough to set aside how you feel and let your spouse know that you want to work things out.

. Do not bottle up how you feel. Address the issue immediately or as soon as possible after it has occurred. The longer you leave it, the angrier and more frustrated you will become, making the issue harder to resolve.

. Speak the truth in love.
. Listen to each other's point since invariably, we do not listen well.
. When resolving conflict, give your full attention to your spouse.
. Remember that misunderstandings cause conflict, therefore, make sure your communication is clear and to the point.
. Focus on resolving the issue rather than finding out who is to be blamed.

. When things get heated, take time out to cool down.
. Take responsibility to resolve the conflict even if you are not at fault.
. Let go of your pride and be big enough to admit if you are in the wrong and do something to mend the situation.

. Do not be defensive as this will only prolong the conflict.
. Stay calm and state your point clearly. If you stay calm it is more likely to help your spouse hear your views.
. Learn to let go of things that hurt you and forgive your spouse.
. You may need the intervention of an impartial and principled person to help you resolve the conflict.

Remember, it's useless in these situations if you have low self-esteem and cannot stand up for yourself. Keeping conflict inside can cause you to start to resent your husband, especially if you have to have the last word, if you talk and do not listen, if you are strong-willed and want to have your way, if you do not like to take advice or if things have got so bad that you do not know where to start fixing them.

Christine Morris is a business and life coach specialising in helping people achieve business, professional and personal goals. Send comments or questions to christinemorriscoach@
yahoo.co.uk or call 925 2267.

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