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All Woman
My new husband's penis is too small
By Dr Sharmaine Mitchell
Monday, February 02, 2009
Dear Dr Mitchell,
I very recently got married after deciding to save myself for marriage. I am a Christian and my husband and I didn't even kiss deeply before we got married.
My problem is that I discovered on our wedding night that he has a very small penis, and even when he penetrated me I felt no pain, nor did I bleed, because I don't even think his penis got to the part where my hymen is located.
This means that sex between us is very unsatisfactory, as you can imagine. My religion forbids even the use of tampons and my husband isn't willing to use his fingers - by the way his middle finger seems long enough to do the job. There will be no other kind of sex (positions), he says, and I am sad that I may have condemned myself to a life where I will be a virgin forever. I'm even more scared of the possibility of getting pregnant and having to endure a "virgin" birth! What do you advise?
I am sorry to learn about the frustrations that you experience with your new husband, as it relates to sexual activity. Intimacy and a good sexual relationship are important in a marriage but this is not the beginning and end of everything. When you both got married, you did so because of the love you have for each other and you took vows that you would be committed and stay together for better or for worse.
Sometimes in marriages, the "worse" comes on a little earlier to test your vow and commitment and you have to focus on what is really important. Now, remember that you could actually marry a man who has everything physically and then later on you discover that he has a debilitating or terminal illness and you have to live with him and love him just the same. What if the situation was different and your husband discovered that you had a significant problem? I am positive that you would want him to love and care for you and try to help you to resolve the problem.
Some problems unfortunately cannot be fixed in the way we would want them to be fixed, so we have to live with them and be committed to each other. Sexual intercourse is vital to a marriage and you and your husband need to work through the problem together. The fact that his penis is small needs to be properly dealt with. He needs to be seen by a specialist, ideally a urologist. He needs a detailed examination of his penis, prostate and testes and a hormone profile needs to be done to check his testosterone level. He might even need to do a chromosomal study to see if he has an abnormal chromosomal pattern.
In the interim, remember that a sexual relationship does not only include penetrative sex so you both need to be creative in trying to satisfy each other sexually. You should have an honest and open discussion about the matter and also discuss the problem with your marriage counsellor who can help you to work through your problems. There are several books that you can buy which will help you to improve your sexual relationship so you should check with your local bookshop.
It is important for you to go with your husband when he makes the appointment to see the urologist so you can be intimately involved with his therapy. Marriage will present itself with many challenges and you have to try and deal with each one as it comes and love each other.
There are couples who have everything going for them as far as sexual activity is concerned but you can terribly unhappy because of verbal abuse, physical abuse, infidelity and several other unfortunate issues, so sometimes you have to give thanks and just deal with your problem in the appropriate manner.
When you do become pregnant you should not worry about having to give birth on the background that your husband's penis is small. If it is deemed necessary that you should deliver vaginally then I assure you that you will manage quite well. Best wishes.
Dr Sharmaine Mitchell is an obstetrician and gynaecologist. Send questions via e-mail to allwoman@ jamaicaobserver.com; mail c/o Jamaica Observer, 40-421/2 Beechwood Ave, Kingston 5; or fax to 968-2025.
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