All Woman

'I doubt his love'

Let's Talk

With WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, August 13, 2012    

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Dear Counsellor,

I am an 18-year-old university student in a relationship with a 28-year-old guy for one year and 11 months. It's very challenging at times. I doubt his love and I do not trust him. He gives me no reason to; I caught him cheating in a text some months ago and he tried to deny it until he told the truth. When I see him acting suspicious and I confront him, he says 'I won't let because of you I have no friends and I won't make because of you nobody calls or texts me'. That hurts me so much because we have never had an argument resulting in me cheating and it's as though he values his phone and friendships more than me. I found out lately that I cannot talk to him about anything. Neither can I ask him for anything. If I ask him for something, a negative answer comes first. If I text him and express my feelings, he doesn't talk back to me for weeks. If I confront him and tell him how I am feeling, he jokes it out and says, 'You are too miserable, everything bothers you'. Whenever something goes wrong, I have to push up on him, even if he is wrong. It's stressing me and it's getting on my nerves. It's as though I am doing 95 per cent and he is doing five per cent. It hurts me to know I love him and he is pushing me away. Every time he ill-treats me I run back into the relationship, hoping he will change. I cannot manage it anymore; it's putting a strain on me and he is hurting my emotions. Every time I hear his voice, my heart leaps and it hurts me even more. Is there any advice you can give to me, please?

AFFAIRS of the heart can be very painful, particularly for those who are young, in love and inexperienced.

Relationships involve the coming together of people from varied social backgrounds, interests, values, etc, and attempting to bridge these gaps can create interpersonal challenges.

There is no manual so most people learn by the trial and error method, and with the passage of time, they either get it right or get it wrong. However, to successfully negotiate a relationship, one has to learn effective communication and conflict management skills.

It is evident that you have little trust in this man and he has not made it any easier for you by his behaviour. He does not seem to be interested in a committed and exclusive relationship and would want to maintain 'live' links with his lady friends. His pronouncements are a clear indication of his intentions to keep his options open.

One thing you have to learn about men is what you have discovered by chance -- they place high value on their 'toys', such as their smartphones and vehicles. The same thing applies to their 'brethren'. Sometimes these things will take precedence over your desire for love and attention. You have to learn how to win his attention without appearing to be competing. Demanding his attention is not the best approach.

When a man dismisses his woman's feelings and 'humours' her, it shows how little he values her as a person. A woman finds comfort in a relationship in which she can freely express her emotions and where her partner is sensitive and caring.

Your most profound statement is expressed with deep hurt and frustration: 'It's as though I am doing 95 per cent and he is doing five per cent. It hurts me to know I love him and he is pushing me away.'

If you are in a relationship and you feel this way, it is time to take stock and make some decisions. No doubt this dysfunctional relationship is putting tremendous strain on your studies. Your ability to remain focused will certainly be severely impacted. With the high cost of studies, failure cannot be an option.

You are young, you need to take control of your life and your future, and one way to do that is to empower yourself by acquiring a sound education. Let school be the only legitimate headache you deal with at this time. You can't afford to compound this with unnecessary relationship issues. Take the advice of Chino and 'Nuh put nuh (man) pon yuh head'; it is not worth it.

Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.

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