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Boyfriend's too close to his baby's mother

Let’s talk

With WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, June 18, 2012    

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Dear Counsellor,

I'm having a problem with my boyfriend and his baby's mother. For over two years he has been taking his son to school and taking her to work. I've told him more than once that it makes me feel uncomfortable, however he says he is doing it for his son and makes various excuses as to why he won't stop.

Please tell me if I'm being naïve in believing him that there is nothing going on between them.

When we make decisions in life there are certain consequences that we have to embrace. In your case, you have made a decision to be in a relationship with a man who has a child with another woman and implicit in that is the fact that he has to relate to both his child and the mother of his child.

To demand that he not maintain contact is a most unrealistic request and expectation. Surely you would want the man to maintain a healthy father-son relationship. If it is that he takes the child to school in the mornings, it would seem most unkind of him to deny the child's mother a ride to work if she is going in the same direction. It would be a different matter if her workplace was out of town and they had to travel miles together every day.

The matter of him helping out the lady could be seen as a generous gesture on his part. However, it could also be seen as an excuse to factor prominently in the life of his child's mother. It seems that you are more leaning to the latter especially as it appears that there is no ending to his display of generosity.

What then are the options available to address this issue? Since the child is at the centre of this issue, one option is for the child to relocate to the residence of his father in the school week so that he (the father) does not have to go to the lady's house to pick him up for school. Another option is for a school bus or chartered vehicle to pick up the child and drop him off at school. Either of these options would only happen if the mother of the child is in agreement and of course there are expenses to be borne as well.

So as you seek exclusive rights to the gentleman you have to be cognisant of the fact that a child is involved. As I indicated, this is a consequence you will have to wrestle with as you negotiate this relationship.

The truth is, there are wholesome relationships that exist between baby mothers and their baby fathers with absolutely no physical contact involved. They both play their parental roles and that is as far as it goes. Determine if this is the case with your partner and the mother of his child. If this is case, then play your role as a confident partner and do not consume your time and effort with the child's mother.

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