Breaking the 90-day rule

By Shornee Carnegie

Monday, June 17, 2013

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EVERYONE has this one friend who is the principled one in the group. She is the one who follows the rules and the one you can count on to be the voice of reason.

So my friend, who shall remain nameless, had this 90-day rule that she copied from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, and she had been preaching it to all of us. She had preached it to me more than the others, for reasons I cannot think of right now.

Nevertheless, this rule is about the time it should take for a new guy to earn the privilege of sleeping with you. According to my friend, 90 days is a reasonable length of time to get to know him, and to see if you are willing to exchange bodily fluids. This, of course, is if you are not a Christian. If you are a Holy Ghost-filled Christian, he should wait until he has put a ring on it and there should be no debate about that.

Anyway, back to my friend and her rule. So, the other day she called me very distressed. I knew she had gone to see a guy she had a huge crush on since high school, and whom she hadn't seen for many years. He had liked her from then, but he was just too shy to let her know, and she had an inclination that he did, but she was more focused on school because her grandmother had threatened her bitterly about boyfriends and books. Anyway, time passed, and both being single, they found each other on Facebook.

Her plan was to go to the movies and then hang out with the guy and his son. Apparently the plan changed because there was a fire, and so they ended up back at his place. So they watched a movie and the 90-day rule went up in smoke in just 12 hours.

So her question to me, the unlicensed therapist, was what should she do? Did her actions make her a skank or a minx? Would the guy take her seriously after this? Does she have a shot at a serious relationship with him?

I examined the case and this was my advice to her in a nutshell: Even though you are a brand new second-hand virgin, the horse has already gone through the gate. You are an adult, and adults are sometimes faced with spur-of-the moment decisions. As long as you made a decision that was safe for you and the other person, as long as it was consensual, then there is nothing wrong with spontaneity.

For me personally, timing is more important than a specific rule. If you feel that the time is right, and in your opinion the person is right, then what you do with your body is your business. If the other person perceives you differently afterwards because of his socialisation or the norms of society, and if he was just looking for a good time, then it is what it is. If he really likes you and wants to know you more on a deeper level and the sex was great, then you are home free.

The lesson to be learnt, though, is that one size does not fit all in relationships. You cannot put a rule on matters of the heart. You see, when it comes to the heart, unfortunately, it has no reasoning skills and so it doesn't really make logical decisions. The heart is a follower; it doesn't lead. The trick is to try and designate the brain as the leader of your body in relationship decisions. The only challenge is that the brain is not as powerful as the heart.

Shornee is an adventurer who likes to give a comedic spin to intense issues. A single professional, she writes to keep sane.




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