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Chemistry but no communication

Let's Talk


Monday, July 23, 2012    

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Dear counsellor,

I've been in a relationship for a little over three months and it's getting serious. When we met he informed me that he has a child and still lives with his baby's mother. I didn't plan on getting involved with him but I did. He recently told me that he loves me. I care about him and I have love for him, but I'm not in love with him. He is not an open person when it comes to us discussing our feelings, which makes me worried. I really want this relationship to work, but I feel there are things he's keeping from me. I'm also curious about his living arrangements as he says they only live together because it's convenient for the both of them.

He never talks about his daughter nor the mother with me and we barely spend time with each other because of his work schedule. He gives me the impression that he likes me but the communication between us is not good. Our conversations are always short and boring. The chemistry is there but communication is off. I don't know what to do or what to say.

When "red flags" are fluttering vigorously in a relationship it makes a lot sense to sit up and pay attention. It simply means that something is happening that should not be ignored. Unfortunately, one or both partners, in a bid to avoid any confrontation or a premature break-up, may choose to just go with the flow at the ultimate peril of the relationship.

In your case there are a number of red flags that you must address. Let's examine them

1. Lack of openness by one or both partners leads to distrust and faulty assumptions. When one party chooses to withhold information and conceals his/her feelings, the other party feels neglected and most times believes he/she is the source of the partner's withdrawal. If not addressed, one party will be frustrated and the other will feel that his/her personal space is being invaded.

2. There is reasonable cause for concern if your gentleman lives under the same roof with his baby's mother. As much as it may be economically convenient for both of them, such an arrangement is also convenient for other things as well.

3. For a relationship to grow and develop, the partners must find and make time to be with each other. Being too busy to spend quality time with your mate is a lame excuse and any partner who accepts and rationalises this behaviour is being naive

4. Communication is the glue that keeps the relationship together and if it does not exist then you are both wasting each other's time. Enough said on that.

Your definition of your emotions for the gentleman is quite interesting, "I care about him and I have love for him, but I'm not in love with him."

What I am hearing you say is that you appreciate his company but you are not sure you want him to be your committed companion as you have doubts about his capacity to fulfil your expectations. It is important you settle that concern in your head and in your heart.

The relationship is quite young and if you decide to continue, do pay close attention to the red flags. Sit with him and discuss these issues. It is better you address them three months early than three years too late.

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