All Woman

He came to my door and I let him in

With Wayne Powell MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, March 10, 2014    

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Dear Counsellor,

Last June I met a man and we started a relationship. He told me that he was living with someone but that he liked me and we could try to work together. At the time I had just ended a two and a half year relationship and needed the distraction to help me through it.

A couple months into the relationship I decided that the lifestyle was not going to work for me and asked him to leave me alone. He complied for about a week while still texting and calling. I didn't answer or return his texts until he showed up at my door. I did not want to embarrass him so I let him in, and it started all over again. This has been going on for the past year and he is still insisting on not leaving me alone, yet he is hanging on to his relationship at home. He says he wants a child and he wants to leave her and if I got pregnant that would give her a reason to leave him. He says I should wait on him to be my husband.

I know that I will be happier without this man in my life, but I don't want to have to take drastic action for him to leave me alone. What can I do? I have locked him out, not answered my phone, refused to open my door and let him in my house and he still keeps coming. Do you think I should go to the police and ask them to tell him to leave me alone?

Some people enter into relationships with their eyes closed; others like you enter relationships with your eyes wide open. Unlike others, the guy informed you that he was already in a relationship and was actually living with the person. So having had that critical information you made a choice to strike up a relationship with a man who was already in a live-in relationship with another woman. No doubt he told you how unhappy he was in the relationship and that you were the best thing since slice bread and that he can't live without you in his life. Obviously you were convinced and fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book.

Your case should serve as a warning to women who after ending a relationship enter a new relationship on the rebound. This is a very dangerous thing to do as in your vulnerable state you are not ready emotionally to handle a sensitive commitment like a relationship. Coming out of a two and half year relationship, chances are you may still have been grieving and needed more time through the termination process. You said you wanted some distraction but this was not the kind of distraction you needed. In trying to rid your mind of the memories of your last relationship, you succeeded in only complicating the issue by falling for this man who took advantage of your vulnerable state. But as much as he is culpable you are no saint either as you knowingly entered a relationship that you knew was bound for trouble as you would be competing with the first lady.

So after a few months you woke up and realised that the relationship was not going anywhere but by this time he was settled and wants to have a baby with you. So the question is, are you going to fall for another of the oldest tricks as well? His claim that if you get pregnant for him the first lady would get the message and leave is most absurd as this is false hope and would only serve to further complicate matters.

If you really want to move on you can't send mixed messages to him, so locking the door and then later giving him access is indicating that you are not serious and just playing the stop and go game.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com.





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