All Woman

He tricked her into marrying him

Dear Counsellor

With Wayne Powell MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, May 19, 2014    

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Dear Counsellor,

I have been involved with my son's father for 15 years. Whenever he would go on the farm work programme, my name would be submitted as his spouse. This was as recently as July of last year.

When he returned to Jamaica in November of last year he told me that he was planning to do a business wedding with one of his high school classmates. I didn't agree with it.

He told me that he didn't have the money that she was charging him to do the procedure, so he was tricking her into believing that he was falling for her. I told him I was not in agreement with him.

She came to Jamaica in January this year and they got married. She believes that he genuinely loves her. She has started the process of filing for him and I want to report it to the US Embassy. I told him that this is not a trick, it is a relationship that has been going on for a long time. I am not stupid. We have one son together and he says after he migrates and is settled he will start filing for my son and his other child. I am not going to send my son. He is just 12 years old. I am not involved with my ex right now.

I hate him and I am embarrassed by the developments.

If I make this call to the embassy he will not go anywhere and his wife may eventually divorce him. I have no intentions of taking him back. Please advise me.

So here we have an example of the deceitfulness that some people resort to as a survival strategy. They believe that this is a viable option that will ensure a better life.

Let us look at the negative impact such a selfish decision may have on the persons involved.

The "wife" in this so-called business arrangement may well be under the impression that the man genuinely cares about her and so she agrees to marry him with the hope that they will live happily ever after. She initiates the filing process hoping to pave the way for his permanent stay with her. If and when the process is completed and she learns that she was just a means to an end, she becomes quite upset and may resort to ruthless actions in order to exact revenge. So here is a heartbroken woman who feels jilted and may never trust another man. This can have far-reaching emotional effects.

In your case, you are in a precarious position as you navigate this rather sensitive matter. Should you play along with the plan and hope for the best for you, him and the child, or should you foil his deceitful efforts? You seem convinced that the arrangement is more than what meets the eye and he is just using the argument of an arranged marriage as a ploy to be in a legitimate relationship with his classmate. This could very well be the situation and even if he does not care for her now, you never know what can happen when they live together if and when the permanent residency comes through.

This, as you know, is a very uncertain situation that will create a dent in your relationship, as there is no guarantee that he won't succumb to the pursuit of the "good life" overseas, leaving you behind alone and lonely. Bear in mind too that his "wife" will do all in her powers to make him feel at home in more ways than one.

So where do you factor in this grand plan? Is it that he would be walking out of the relationship you both shared for 15 years?

If and when he files for his son, how would the separation from you impact the child? As you have stated, you would not be releasing the child, which no doubt will create a conflict between you both. Whatever you decide, please make sure the interest of the child is always protected.

You no doubt feel a sense of betrayal by your spouse, which explains your hatred and fury. I am sure he will tell you that the decision is not a selfish one and that in the long run you stand to benefit greatly. Whereas there have been success stories that you may know or heard of, as they say, "puss and dawg don't have the same luck." You need to seriously consider your future with this man. Will you step aside and allow him to pursue his aspirations for the "good life"? Will you patiently wait for the benefits that may accrue from his efforts? Or will you wish him all the best and move on with your life? Contemplate the pros and cons and then make a decision that is in yours and the child's best interest.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.

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