His baby's mother keeps calling

Let's talk

With WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, April 09, 2012

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Dear Counsellor

I need your advice on how to handle this situation. I am currently in a relationship with a guy who has broken up with his baby's mother. She is constantly sending texts to him about his baby and her personal business. He said he told her it's over and the only time she must call him is about the baby, but she keeps calling and texting. She even visits his house when he is not there and stays over with his sister saying it's too late for her to go home. What should I do?

It is always a tricky situation when a man's baby mother and his committed partner is not one and the same person. When they are two different individuals, invariably there will be some conflict, real or perceived.

In the case of the baby's mother, she believes she has exclusive rights to the man as mother of his child and so exerts her status and authority with much vigour. The wife or girlfriend, on the other hand, will also claim priority status boasting that the man chose her over the baby's mother which means she is number one. The truth is, though, that the wife or girlfriend feels somewhat threatened by the very mention of the other woman's name. This is even more complicated if the wife or girlfriend does not have a child or is unable to bear one.

It could well be that the child's mother is attempting to make a comeback in the gentleman's life and use the child as an excuse, as happens very often. While on this point, there are some women who deliberately get pregnant for a man in order to "hold" him. Little do they know that, "pickney nuh hol man" -- never did and never will.

You will appreciate that as the mother of his child she must speak with him concerning the child's welfare and any attempt to block the communication is pointless. A responsible father will feel an obligation to factor in the child's life and most times he has to communicate through the mother, especially if the child is very young.

The onus is on your boyfriend to properly manage the situation. He must sit the child's mother down and make her know in no uncertain way that the only connection they have is the child and that she should not expect anything more. He must declare to her his loyalty and commitment to you. He must, however, back up his words with action. If the calls or texts he receives have nothing to do with the child, he needs to either ignore them or simply delete them.

One thing you should insist on is his honesty and openness in relation to his dealings with the child's mother. If he is going to look for the child or drop off something for him/her, he must inform you. In other words, he must always keep you in the loop and not meet with her behind your back. He must also choose the right time to visit; certainly 10:00 in the night can't be an appropriate time to visit the child.

You asked what you should do?

Just be calm, don't overreact and nag him. If he says that you are number one, and he displays same by his action, then behave as if you are number one. Don't get distracted by the antics of the child's mother and don't even consider confronting her. Allow Mr Mention to deal with the situation. This sleeping over drama seems rather suspicious and he must discourage such practice.

Ideally it would be good if both you and the baby's mother maintain a cordial and harmonious relationship so that the child will have two women in his/her life who are at peace with each other. Maybe you will want to initiate this move. All the best.

Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.

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