All Woman

Hubby's babymother is a pest

DEAR COUNSELLOR

With Wayne Powell MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Friday, April 25, 2014    

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Dear Counsellor,

I am reaching out to you for help on how to handle this issue with my husband and his pest of a babymother. My husband is a wonderful, God-fearing, Jamaican man and I love him dearly. In the beginning of our relationship he was not honest about his child back in Jamaica. Something in my heart kept informing me that he was not being honest. Well, after a few months he finally came to me — as humble as he is — and he confessed that he does have a son that he supports back home. I was so upset with him, not for the lie, but for denying a healthy, blessed child.

I accepted the truth and continued to move forward with our relationship. We now have a child and he is a wonderful dad to our daughter and to my children from a previous relationship. I am a great person with a heart of gold and, that being said, I also help support my husband's child back in Jamaica. But his babymother is always in need of some kind of money for the child that they have together and to me it's a bit much. Every week she calls and texts disrespecting me, either because the money isn't coming fast enough or she wants more.

I feel as if this money isn't really for the child and his needs. This behaviour has been going on for a while and she also is aware that I help out. But I work hard and I have responsibilities here in America and I will not allow a woman to use a child to tend to her own needs. She needs to seek work. This is a young woman that loves the bar and the club scene. I feel if she has money to party then she must have money for her share of caring for the child.

Now my issue is that the disrespect is beyond out of hand. My husband has tried to speak with her and all she does is yell in the phone and give orders. As the wife, I will not tolerate this any longer. It's even to the point I no longer want his child to come to our house because of his mother's behaviour. I will not bite my tongue until this child is 18 years of age. I am very distressed by the behaviour of this trashy babymother.

If we all possessed the power to turn back the hands of time, many of us would have erased some of the things we did in the past. In your case if your husband had known he would have been in this babymama pickle today, he would have exercised self-control and would not have become sexually involved with the woman who has now become his worst nightmare. Obviously, he was neither good nor was he careful.

Your concern now is the babymother, who is stating her rightful claim for the maintenance of the child. You are of the feeling that monies remitted for the welfare of the child is diverted to personal use. You could well be right, but there is no way of telling, seeing that she is so far away.

Let us get in the head of the babymother for a moment and see what she may be thinking. She may be quite upset with your husband and may want to make his and your life miserable as she feels rejected and unloved. Many babymothers who are connected to married men or men in committed relationships tend to display aggression to the babyfather who they believed might have deceived them and given them false hope. He may have given her false hope about their relationship.

Despite what may have transpired, the babymother has all right to seek welfare for the child that they both brought into the world. If she has not got over the emotional and psychological hurt, she can be unreasonable with her requests and resort to unladylike behaviour just to get back at the man. Please note that there are some babymothers who go to the other extreme and make absolutely no contact with the babyfather and even prevent the man from making contact with the child.

Now that you understand what may be going through the mind of the "trashy" babymother, can you sympathise with her? Surely her crass behaviour cannot be condoned, but can you appreciate what may have triggered her actions?

As a responsible, forgiving and caring wife, continue to support your husband in providing for the child. Let it be said that he did his part. If she wants to squander the money on things that don't concern the child, let it be on her conscience. Encourage your husband to record the amounts and dates he remits these funds just in case the matter goes to the family court. He can also send clothing and other supplies that could reduce the need for extra cash — again he should retain receipts just in case.

If you are so minded, you may attempt to engage the babymother in a civil woman-to-woman conversation in the interest of the child. Regardless of the unfavourable relationship that exists between her and your husband, the child should not be made to suffer emotional/psychological hurt.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.

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