All Woman

Hungry girlfriend always wants money

With Wayne Powell MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, February 24, 2014    

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Dear Counsellor,

I've been in a relationship for about six months. She is 23 and I am 26. I don't trust her. She once borrowed my phone and visited her family in the country and when she came back and I got back my phone I found texts and WhatsApp messages with male friends and exes engaging in conversations of a sexual nature. When I asked her about it she said they are just friends.

She said she wanted to go to school but she opted to go to school in the country and visit me on weekends. Now that she is there and going to school, she wants me to send her money when I get paid, and I won't. She texts me regularly saying she's hungry but I'm also going to classes to further my education and she being there only makes it more difficult for me. She knows I don't trust her, but she's still asking me to send her money. What do you think?

This relationship is lacking a very necessary ingredient if it is going to survive the passage of time. That critical component is trust. If one or both partners exhibit doubt and suspicion about the other, then precious time would be spent snooping and less time doing what is required to build a long and lasting love.

So let me see if I heard you right, you are saying that you loaned your phone to your girlfriend and she used it to engage in sexual conversations with male friends including her ex boyfriends. I can hear some readers saying that this is the height of disrespect. I can also hear some female readers saying that your girlfriend was not smart as she should have deleted the evidence from the phone before she handed it back to you. But whether or not she deleted the evidence, she would still be culpable.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned, she is just having innocent fun with friends and nothing is to be read into that. As harmless as sexting might appear to be, it has far-reaching implications and can lead to the actualisation of these sexual thoughts and expressions. Believe it or not, this behaviour from your girlfriend is akin to cheating and is cause for concern. She is quite naïve if she believes that this kind of oral or written sexual conversations would have no effect on her or the guys she was flirting with.

The matter of using your phone to conduct these sexual liaisons cannot be overlooked and really speaks to a level of disrespect for you as her significant other. Using her own phone to have these suggestive conversations is bad enough, but to use yours to do same is certainly going overboard. She either has little regard for you and the relationship, or she genuinely thought nothing of the conversations with her male friends. If it is the latter then she is probably not ready for a committed relationship as she does not understand what is involved in an exclusive relationship. Messing around with other guys, especially ex-boyfriends, cannot be on the agenda. No matter how confident she feels that she has things under control, she is certainly playing with fire and will get burned.

So now she is studying and wants you as a caring boyfriend to contribute to her welfare. Whereas this is a reasonable request, you have to decide if the investments you will be making will reap good returns. Given what you know regarding her lack of trustworthiness, you need to consider if you really want to be involved in a long-distance relationship with someone who you don't trust.

You have to do a serious assessment of the relationship and make a decision either way. If your doubts regarding her faithfulness to you and the relationship weigh heavily on your mind and can be substantiated by facts, then the choice is obvious. If, however, you can have discussions with her and share with her your concerns and she is willing to make a change, then you may want to make a consideration in that regard.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.

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