All Woman

I'm still missing him so much

Let's Talk

With WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, October 08, 2012    

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Dear Counsellor,

I am 39 years old and I was in a relationship with a man who is 42 years old. The relationship lasted for about two years. This man treated me so badly that I had to run even though I am still, even this moment, sure that he is the only man I have ever loved. If I am down and I hear this man's voice, it is enough to get me through any rough spot. When we were together I would borrow or beg just to let him have what he asked for, even though if I needed to go somewhere and asked him, he would ask me for the money to buy gas.

In December of last year I decided that enough was enough and I told him that it was over. When I told him it was over, he started to change, but I had already made up my mind, or so I thought. He refused to let go and I had to call in the police.

The problem now is that I am still missing him so much that I have to will my mind not to think about him. I wake in the middle of the night crying, I go to work sad and sometimes I am unable to eat. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just let this go? Do you think that I blundered and that I should have given him another chance?

When two people are involved in a relationship, particularly an intimate one, passions run very high as both partners establish an emotional bond. So when one is hurting the other will empathise and seek to console the other. They share mutual woes, moments of joy and happiness. Respect, commitment, care, and communication are just a few of the vital attributes a committed relationship must possess. The absence of these fundamental elements will no doubt result in a break down and eventual break-up of the relationship.

From your report it appears that these elements were woefully missing or if they were present, only one partner was exhibiting them. As the Jamaican proverb goes, "One hand can't clap", and so if you are giving all the love and it is not reciprocated then soon frustration will set in and the giving partner will either grin and bear it or sober up and walk away.

One of the most demoralising acts in a relationship is when one partner takes the other for granted. No doubt in the early stages of the relationship things like petrol for the vehicle was not an issue. As soon as he won your heart he has abandoned all the hunting skills.

Though this man has his faults, you were and are still madly in love with him. So even though you decided to move on physically, your heart won't necessarily follow suit and will never go at the same pace. You see, when two people share intimate time and space over a period of time, an emotional connection is formed that cannot be dismissed with a snap of the finger. Like the passing of a loved one, it will take time for you to go through the grieving (separation) process.

If you are convinced that you want to move on then you have to let your talk line up with your walk. In other words, you can't afford to send him any mixed messages. You are either in or out of the relationship. It will not be easy but with the passage of time you will overcome.

Set some standards for yourself and any other intimate relationship you may be involved in. One such standard is the maintenance of personal happiness. Don't compromise on this. If you are in a relationship and you are unhappy and the relationship is unfulfilling, take stock and make a decision before it's too late.

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