I need support from my cheating, married ex

Let’s talk

With WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, January 02, 2012

Dear Counsellor

I live overseas. I was involved with a married, serial cheater for almost five years. He denied being married until his wife and I spoke at first through e-mail, then by phone.

Apparently I'm not the first and surely won't be the last. She told me stories of his constant disrespect of her and their marriage. He would have women pick him up while they were on vacation and he wouldn't return until departure day. She would find pictures of threesomes, just to name a few issues.

Upon the truth being revealed, he denied paternity of our child, whom he had named, giving the child his wife's initials. He no longer calls to check on our daughter, who is two. He also has other children, including one with his wife's friend and their daughter's teacher. I've changed my daughter's name as I wanted no part of his sick ways.

Should I seek support for my child? He has threatened harm if I'm ever in Jamaica and I was afraid to pursue anything as I'm now told he runs in dangerous circles.

Such is the drama when dishonesty, selfishness and deceitfulness permeate a relationship. Some men don't seem to understand the emotional pain and agony they put women through when they play the cheating game. The same thing applies to women who play this dangerous game. Resulting from this dilemma are anger, hurt, and in some cases, violence.

As the victim in this scenario, you are no doubt furious, and one can truly feel your pain, but do try to maintain some level of sanity and not let the situation get you depressed. It is even more critical to remain emotionally strong for your daughter. As much as you may be hurting, don't allow the situation to push you to do anything foolish that you may later regret.

You indicated that you were involved with this man which suggests that you have now moved on after five years of deceit. It is no doubt difficult to accept that all those years invested in the relationship resulted in you remaining single; if in fact you were hoping to get married to 'Mr Mention'.

Do love and care for your daughter and remember that in spite of how her father may have treated you, he is still her dad and must be given an opportunity to factor in her life. Even though he is tardy in not connecting with her, try not to poison her mind against him. Consult a lawyer regarding child support for your daughter.

This man is obviously in the fast lane and has seemingly ignored all the road codes, hence impregnating females which whom he comes in contact. He must be advised that pregnancy is not the only consequence of unprotected sex and that he will certainly have a head-on collision with HIV/AIDS if he continues to drive recklessly.

Your concern for his wife is understood, but she will have to make her own decision regarding her marriage. If she is knowingly continuing in the dysfunctional marital relationship, then she must be prepared to live with the consequences.

If ever you were to get involved in another relationship, try as best as you can to do a background check on your pursuer. This is even more critical when he lives outside of the country. Pay attention to any red flags that may present themselves and ask probing questions when you have any suspicions. You don't want to make the same mistake twice. Do secure yourself and take the threats seriously, remain positive, learn your lessons and develop the strength to carry on in spite of your predicament.

Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com. The counsellor does not offer legal or medical advice.

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I need support from my cheating, married ex