I am very distressed. One day I was going through my boyfriend's cell phone when I came across an email he wrote to his ex last year when I was seven months pregnant. He told the girl that he lost the woman he truly loved and that he made a mistake letting her slip through his fingers. This man professes his love for me every day. Should I bring up the matter? Sometimes when I remember the email I become very angry at him and we end up quarrelling. What should I do?
There is this debate as to whether or not couples should have free and open access to each other's email, text messaging, cell phones, computers etc. The argument for open access is that it promotes integrity and honesty among the partners. The counter argument is that there must be allowance for personal space and privacy that each partner is entitled to.
It is important that the partners in a relationship establish the rules of engagement from the onset. There must mutual agreement regarding open access to each other's mails whether they be hard or soft copies. If both parties agree, then neither should be offended by the intrusion.
In your case, it would appear that you were actually looking for something incriminating why you were going through your boyfriend's phone. Maybe you had reason to suspect his going ons and so you had to do some detective work to confirm your suspicions.
More than seven months have elapsed since you have unearthed the evidence and you have not confronted him yet. There is an adage that says that one must be careful what one asks/looks for, as one may certainly receive/find it and can't deal with it.
The cellular phone, though an essential communication device, has been the source of conflict among many couples. Both men and women, with or without the approval of the other, peruse the contents on their partners' phones and then depending on what they come across, a fight might ensue. Sometimes it may even become physical where one or both parties are hurt.
So you have found some information that has left you in a state of distress. No doubt you are wondering what is going on between your gentleman and his ex. Is he still in love with her? The statement does suggest that. There are many instances where former lovers do maintain a love connection that is difficult to erase and often the current partner has to literally compete for the love and attention of his/her man/woman. Hopefully this is not the case in your situation.
It may well suit you to concentrate on building the relationship. Embrace the positive things he has said and done to demonstrate his love for you. If you consume your thoughts with the information you discovered, you may well push him into the arms of his ex or some other willing and available female.
If your state of anxiety persists, you may have to approach him on the matter. It is important that you select the right time and place to discuss the issue and do use your "I" statements. He could well be most upset when he learns that you checked his phone behind his back.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. For questions and appointments write to email@example.com.