All Woman

Men: Why we're so devastated when you cheat

LOVE, SEX, & RELATIONSHIPS

By KARENA BENNETT All Woman writer

Monday, March 31, 2014    

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IF a poll was to be done about how many men would leave their women after they cheated, it's almost safe to conclude that the majority would immediately break it off, even if children and joint finances were involved.

Some even seek to go further than just breaking things off, and quite often we hear of women being harmed or even killed by their spouses for cheating, after which the men will turn the guns on themselves.

On the contrary, women will forgive and forgive and forgive again, even when the cheating comes with baggage like extra children.

So why aren't men as forgiving about cheating as women?

Relationship Counsellor Wayne Powell said tradition and customs dictate that cheating is the purview of the male and so when a woman indulges in it is not accepted and appreciated.

"It is OK for the man to give 'bun' but not OK for him to get 'bun'," Powell told All Woman.

"So when the tables turn and the women flip the script, they can't deal with it. Furthermore, the man has to report to his crew and acknowledging that he has been cheated on is quite embarrassing."

Powell went on to explain that infidelity is seen as the highest form of disrespect by some men and they will never recover from such a blow. He argued that if the man forgives the woman, he believes that it will be seen as a sign of weakness, especially before his crew.

"Infidelity on the woman's part could reflect negatively on the male as there might be a 'shortcoming' in the sex department. So the man's fragile ego is impaired, which sometimes moves him to violent behaviour," the counsellor added.

Thus, in an effort to maintain his macho image, he has to 'man up' and not yield to his feminine side of forgiving and reconciling with his mate.

"Some men would say it's better she slap me than give me bun" he said.

All Woman took to the streets to ask men why it's so difficult for them to recover from cheating.

Brian M, 38:

A man can't deal with a cheating girlfriend, even if he has cheated on her multiple times. When a man learns that his woman has been cheating, he gets mixed emotions; he's angry, sad, jealous, frustrated and he may not know how or to whom to express his feelings for fear of being ridiculed. He can't sit on the corner and talk with his brethren about it as that not only damages his reputation, but bruises his ego.

A woman will hurt for days or even months when her man cheats, but the moment she starts talking to her girlfriends about the problem, it relieves her pain. She has a support group. The man, however, in deciding to keep his feelings inside, carries around his pain for years, which may lead to continuous fights between the couple, or even death.

Steve M, 35:

The man is in a position of power in the relationship and when he is cheated on, it is seen as a betrayal. Someone with power is more likely to react a particular way to a betrayal, so I think there is a power dynamic going on. It's more natural for a man to cheat. Woman are not as driven by sexual impulses as men, therefore cheating will be seen as a weakness for women. Instead of cheating, she could have read a book or gone shopping. It will make you a bit resentful if she cheated, because it's easier for her to control her impulses and she chose not to.

But I don't really have a problem if a woman cheats on me, because more often than not, I've been cheating on her too.

Delano R, 29:

A man can cheat on a woman but is not able to handle a woman cheating on him because in reality, we are emotionally weaker than women. Men are egotistic and we believe that women should not cheat or leave us, even if we're not satisfying them.

I had a friend whose girlfriend cheated on him and he was devastated. He never came out for days, always sad and finding excuses. Eventually, he got over it but women are usually better at dealing with cheating. Cheating gets to a man emotionally and psychologically and makes him do things he's never dreamt of doing like stalking, fighting or even killing.

Richard O, 31:

Historically, it has always been accepted that men can have multiple partners . When the tables turn and she decides to cheat, it is devastating to know that another man has been intimate with your woman — the one you hold sacred and close to your heart.

You feel violated and betrayed, it kills your ego and it is just really difficult to handle. That kind of thing damages you emotionally and psychologically, and it will also destroy your relationship as you will never forgive her.

But while society sees it as OK for a man to have multiple partners and the woman to remain pure, I think it's wrong either way.

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