Mistakes women make with men

Monday, March 25, 2013

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SOMETIMES a woman is so desperate for a man that she is willing to settle for anyone or put up with anything to get out of singleville. This, of course, is possibly one of the biggest mistakes women make in relationships.

"Part of this comes from societal pressure where you are expected to have someone by the time you reach a certain age," explained counselling psychologist Lola Allen-Jones.

Here are a few other mistakes women make, that could very well be the reason some have a really hard time connecting with the right men.

1. You love him above yourself. You allow him to berate you and you put him before even your own children although he has not fully committed to you. You tell him that you would walk through fire for him and yet by his very actions towards you, it's very clear he won't even walk through a puddle of water to save your life. "If your self-esteem is low and your self-worth is low, then you will want to do anything to keep a man," said the psychologist.

2. You try to change his behaviour. "That's a grave mistake because you can't change people," said Allen-Jones. You might get him to wear Oxford shirts instead of the T-shirts he loves, or even make him trade in his comfy Crocs for a pair of Stacy Adams, but you can never completely change the person he is on the inside. If he is disrespectful, nasty and is a bum, then there's nothing you can do about that. Men basically come with an "as is" policy -- what you see, is what you get.

3. You pretend to be someone you're not. Honesty is the best policy, even if you believe that the cute guy you really like will have no interest in the real you. Don't pretend, just be real. If you do snag him based on a fake personality, it won't be long before your true self starts to manifest, and then he might just walk anyway.

4. You act like you don't need him when you do. Stop lying to yourself. If you want a man in your life then stop pretending that you don't, or else without realising it, you'll push every guy out of your life. "It's kind of what we colloquially call 'playing hard to get', but this can definitely backfire," Allen-Jones pointed out. But nothing is wrong with wanting to be by yourself, so don't invite someone in and then push them away.

5. You sleep with him in the first week. Don't get blinded by the sex haze too quickly, or you'll forever find yourself bumping into emotional walls. If he can sleep with you in the first week, why should he put any effort into getting to know the real you?

6. You are the pursuer in the relationship. If a guy is just not into you, then no amount of text messages, smiley faces or cute comments on his Facebook wall will make him suddenly change his mind about you. Even a shy guy is capable of indicating his interest in you if he feels you are the girl of his dreams. Allen-Jones explained that while nothing is wrong with indicating one's interest in a guy, it ought to be done with some amount of decorum.

7. You make excuses for his behaviour. He beats you and you say he loves you, he flirts with other women and you say he is just friendly. Sounds familiar? Maybe it's time you take off the rose-coloured glasses you have been wearing and see this man for who he really is. No one is perfect, but one of the biggest mistakes you'll ever make is to settle for someone far less than you deserve.

8. You become too dependent on him. Being too clingy and needy is a surefire way to commit relationship suicide. Don't depend on him to validate you or be your preserver, do so yourself, by making the necessary investments in you. Have your own friends and your own interests too. "If you are going to be so dependent on someone, it means you are not secure in yourself," said Allen-Jones.

— Nadine Wilson




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