Can a mother father?

By NADINE WILSON All Woman writer allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com

Monday, March 01, 2010

LONG before Edith Clarke first published her resource book My Mother who Fathered Me in 1957 -- a book which studied the slavery-inspired familial structures in Jamaica characterised by paternal absence, parental irresponsibility and the rise of the maternal family -- countless women were toiling at homes across Jamaica trying to raise their children without the economic or emotional support of men.

Clarke's publication brought the issue of mothers 'fathering' to the forefront, and with the spotlight came a lot of questions about the impact of this traditional family shift -- where mothers were being forced into situations where they had to play both roles; and whether the children in these situations lacked proper parenting because of it.

Not much has changed since the publication of Clarke's book. Indeed, the years have seen a growth in single parent homes, with statistics showing that over the years, the number of female headed households has increased. The 2005 UNICEF publication Situation Analysis of Jamaican Children showed that over 45 per cent of Jamaica's homes are female headed, a trend that persisted for much of the 1990s.

They are statistics that point to the obvious reality: mothers have been playing dual roles to their children.

But despite the statistics, some experts still hold that mothers can't, and shouldn't attempt to 'father' too.

Senior Policy Analyst and Male Desk Representative at the Bureau of Women's Affairs Dave Noel Williams is one.

He is adamant that it is just not possible for a woman to father a child.

"That's a misnomer, it is foolishness, a woman cannot father a boy, and neither can a man mother a girl," he said. "They have their individual roles to play," he added.

Williams, who has counselled a number of boys and men over the years, said there are certain biological changes that occur in boys that only a father could relate to. Much has also been said about the need for a father in his daughter's life, to, among other things, help her relationships with men in the future.

"Failure to have a male figure present could be detrimental to the child," Williams said.

But, said Nordia Cooke, the mother of a six-year-old whose father disappeared shortly after the boy's birth, "In some cases, mothers are forced to father because of the voluntary absence of the child's father".

"So in my role, I have to be the father," she told All Woman. "And do I think I can do it? Of course! And I'm doing a pretty damn good job of it. Of course no one -- at least no one sane -- goes into a situation where they bring a child into the world and then decides to play mother and father. But I think that when forced to play the role, mothers can 'father', and many have been doing so with great results over the years."

Just ask anthropologist and talk show host Dr Kingsley 'Ragashanti' Stewart, who boasts the distinction of rising from poverty to now having acclaim as a lecturer, entertainer and talk show host with a doctorate in anthropology. And he has never ceased to bring praises to his mother, his sole caregiver.

Stewart said his life turned out great despite being raised single-handedly by her.

His own mother he said, "was phenomenal in taking on both roles" while raising him and his sister.

"Everything that for some other family they would depend on the man to do, or a child would grow up seeing their father doing, my mother was doing it all. Even certain, everyday tasks -- to nail up something, to fix something that I saw other men in other families doing, my mother was doing all of that and it was overwhelming for her," he said.

He said his mother died in her 30s due to ill-health brought on by her working extremely hard.

But he admitted that he is also a believer that a mother, no matter how self-sufficient, cannot 'father' her child.

"I understand what she (Edith Clarke) meant and I agree with what she meant. But in the strictest sense of the phrase, it is my firm belief that no woman can father a child," Stewart said. "No woman can father a child, while no man can mother a child. However, a woman can assume fatherly roles and be quite effective and successful in doing so when she is raising her children."

And despite assuming the roles, it's the children who oftentimes suffer from the missing link to their fathers.

Stewart said his mother was so adept at taking care of her children, that it is only now in retrospect that he is seeing that the absence of a father did affect him. At an early age, he started hanging out with older youths in his community, who he felt could have been father figures. That led to him being escorted off to a boys' home and then eventually from one jailhouse to the next during his youth.

"At that time, I was admiring them (the youths) and I thought it was cool. My mother had great difficulty competing with that, because while she could assume certain traditional roles such as a disciplinarian, a provider, and so forth that traditionally a father in Jamaica would accomplish, at the same time she was just simply not a man," said the anthropologist.

Fortunately his mother -- who sold bottles to earn wages sometimes -- made sure that she instilled a love for God and emphasised the need for education to her children. Stewart believes that the foundation laid by his mother had a far-reaching effect on his character and success today.

"Perhaps if a man was in the picture, I don't know if my mother would have tried as hard as she did with the results now manifesting in me the way they are. At the same time, a man can be in the picture and you can have a father, but it is not the best of father and this can affect you negatively," he surmised.

It's a question 30-year-old Fiona Elliott has been grappling with for the two years since she opted to leave the marital home with her son, after years of physical and mental abuse from her husband.

"Everyone told me to stay," she told All Woman. "I was shocked when I realised that everyone was spewing the same garbage -- 'stay for the child's sake', they would say. The boy needs a father."

But, she said, she started questioning the advice. "I know my son needs a father," she said. "But does he need this father? Does he need a father who is no good; who hurts him and who he sees hurting me? Should I have provided him with the traditional nuclear situation, but at the expense of a good father? Is having a father in this case -- abuse and all -- better than being parented by a mother alone? I don't think so!"

Paula, who is now in her 40s, said growing up without her father was extremely painful. She said although she knew of him, he had disregarded her as a daughter, refusing to make any contribution to her well-being. As such, the businesswoman said she was raised by her mother, who would quarrel all the time about the stresses of being a single parent.

Her mother eventually remarried and had other children but Paula said not having her father around her was especially hard because she watched the way her mother's husband was always there for his daughters, causing her to feel like the black sheep in the family.

"No matter what anybody says and no matter what anybody does, you just always feel a way. You feel a lot of disappointment and sometimes I felt like I was a burden for both of them," she said, while adding that, "there is still a lot of bitterness and anger".

But even she is the first to admit that it is better to grow up without a father than to be raised by one who is irresponsible. It is for this reason that she is in the process of divorcing her husband and the father of two of her children, who abused her on countless occasions.

"I went to my kids to see what they wanted and they told me to end the relationship and just leave him," she said. "It is best to be by yourself and take care of the kids, because if you stay in the relationship, chances are you might take the problem out on the children. After all, everybody has their breaking point."

Stewart agrees that the presence of a father doesn't necessarily mean a better life for the child.

"The presence of a man in a child's life doesn't necessarily equate to automatic success, because not all men are as responsible as they should be; not all men try to be the best father they should be. So sometimes the absence of a father, it may result in more work for the mother, but what it does is that for some women they use it as an opportunity, they use that unfortunate circumstance to propel them to do even better," he said.

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COMMENTS (20)

D Lady
3/8/2010

A woman would not have to father if a father would father! I am a single mother and I make the comment all the time. "I don't need a man to raise my child". I'm not saying I don't want my childs father to be a part of her life; but if he chooses to not be a part of her life, that will not stop me from being a parent. When women say they don't need a man to raise a child it is very true. If a man chooses not to be a father that should not stop a mother from being the best mother she can BE.
The only reason we have to ask this question is because men have stop being fathers. I had my daughter at a young age; after my father got over his disappointment the first thing he told me was this is your baby and you alone will be responsible for raising this child. And at the time my dad did not know my childs father. But his words were so true. My childs father has never been a responsible parent to his 1st born. So if he chooses to not do his part I have to step up and try to do his part also. Although nothing can replace what a father teaches a child I have to do my best to try. So I will proudly proclaim "I DON'T NEED A MAN TO RAISE MY CHILD". I have a healthy happy well rounded honor student, who doesn't cause any problems (yet). I have to admit my family support has been unending; but the support can not replace the support a father refuses to give. So please don't beat up on women who are doing their part; yes we do have bad mothers in our communities, but the number of absent fathers out way's the number of bad mothers by miles. So ladies stop bashing other ladies and maybe begin to think how come we never ask "CAN A FATHER MOTHER"?

Ms. Lee B.
3/5/2010

Determining all the factors that created and continues to create the single-family household could full several volumes.
I consider myself to be highly educated and well trained. So the idea that women such as Christine and I are relics of the past and are here with wild machinations most certainly do not apply.
@ VERNA - Your claim that single women have raised most of the children in society since the 1800s is outrageous and false. According to the Census, most Black families up to the 1960s were primarily traditional and nuclear. (Barring the terrible circumstances of slavery - which by the way is one of the by-products of our attitudes to familial relationships). After the 1960s, with the advent of the Hippie Movement, Women's Lib, and our latent slavery mentality, we started to regress to this current state. Our men, who are/were products of such homes and who were not generally required by Mama to be as hard working as their sisters, happily went along with this arrangement.
I urge you and others here to go to this site from which the following extract was taken: http://www.heritage.org/research/family/cda02-04.cfm
"Table 5 shows that restoring marriage to 1960 levels would have a considerable impact on child poverty. Using the money income definition of income, the child poverty rate is now at 15.7 percent. However, if marriage were restored to 1960 levels, the total child poverty rate would be cut by nearly a third to 11.2 percent. Restoration of marriage to 1960 levels among blacks would have a similar effect; their child poverty rate would fall by nearly a third from the current level of 27.5 percent to 20.5 percent."
Enough said.

Anthony Peters
3/5/2010

"it is our responsible to ensure that there is a male figure present." This is what leads to our downfall as women - Verna Kitson
I am sure that none of the proponents of the nuclear family structure are selling this model at the expense of the physical or even emotional well-being of the parties involved. In fact I would be the first to tell anybody to get out of an abusive relationship.
But tell me how a woman who “does not see or understand the need for a man or his purpose” – and this is a popular sentiment – tell me what values will she pass on to her son?
Verna Kitson points out that single mothers have been adequately raising 90% of kids since the 1800s. Well I’m not sure about those figures, but she made one interesting point, that the community and resources were needed. There was then not a shortage of good male role models, who would also go beyond being just there but would actively help out with children, who seemed to be going errant. And this still goes on in rural watershed Jamaica.
Unfortunately now a days, a woman who is a single mother is tucked away in a little apartment with Nintendo’s grand-theft-auto and sponge-bob, defining the emotional and behavioural development of her son. Or if she is in an inner city community she is competing for her boy’s attention with that of the local gang, who can provide for him what mama cant, protection and purpose.
The real problem is however, that we as a people have lost respect for each other, and the roles that we both play. Modern day “successful” women are now seeing the male only as a sperm donor, and unfortunately men are seen only as been capable of pleasuring a woman. Is it a co-incidence that we are living out the roles?
If as Verna Kitson says 90% of Jamaican kids have are from single homes, then this means then that our mothers have in large part either failed to instil in our boys a respect for women and are incapable of producing men who will play the role of fathers.
Maybe women do need men after all.

Ms. Lee B.
3/4/2010

Oh, to debunk yet another myth - A COMMUNITY serves to give one a sense of belonging; it the instant case, it serves to confirm and continue social norms and interests. An older mother or father may certainly steer your child right when there is evidence that there is contrary behavior. But, this method of parenting is an unreliable system at best. Ask the people in the inner cities.
It is STILL the business of the parents to see to the physical, emotional, developmental and psychological needs of their children.

Ms. Lee B.
3/3/2010

Christine, I could not agree with you more.
Everytime I here a mother say" I don't need a man," I wonder long and hard. Who's talking about her needs? What about the needs of the child/children. How many of us after getting out of an abusive relationship consider if this new partner would be a good man to us AS WELL as a decent father? Few. All most of us think about is if he is "nicer" than the man we left. This does not mean that as a woman you shouldn't have a deep need for companionship. God forbid! It simply means that now that you ARE ALSO a mother, you MUST move beyond your own basic desires and include the needs of your child/children.
I'm as liberal as they come and no sane woman living in 2010 would tell another woman to stay with an abusive man. But, the presence of a stable male figure is truly priceless. Ladies admit it!! We have bad/weak/irresponsible/immature male figures because MOST of them had only MAMA!! When Daddy say "you haffi guh work" Mama say "Him tired!"
I'm sorry to be so passionate about this. But I'm living in the U.S. where the Black family is in a shambles because of mothers serving as fathers and in my beloved Jamaica it is just as bad. The single parent family household is terrible everywhere it dominates. And I'm tired of watching Black men go to jail and Black women struggling with various social issues.
It's time to stop this mess. It started in the 1960s with the Hippies - they abandoned it. Why do we continue what White America has discovered to be a failing way of life?

Verna Kitson
3/3/2010

@ Ms. Kay. My point exactly.

Verna Kitson
3/3/2010

@ Angel - I totally understand.
@ Christine, Ms. Lee B, and others....
"it is our responsible to ensure that there is a male figure present."
This is what leads to our downfall as women; If you ask those very women who cuss and mistreat their children (and who we love to hold up as the demons that we should avoid becoming), you will probably find out that they were raised in circumstances where their own mother always felt guilty, inferior and less than capable because she did not have a man, or had a man who insisted on reminding her that she and her children were nothing without him. So we get it, so we give it, don't it? What do you think those mistreated children are going to do/be/think when they grow up?
Trading anecdotes is not the same as understanding the situation facing women who raise children without a man. The kind of disrespect and pity being shoveled at women who parent alone, whether by choice or circumstance (including right here in this conversation), is certainly enough to reinforce the idea that women are not supposed to dare to think of themselves as complete human beings, and dare to live their lives without a man. What a helluva message to be sending to women in 2010!
As a happy, well-adjusted single mother, and a product of a happy, well-adjusted, retired single mother, I respectfully disagree with many of the claims being made here about the problem of single mothers (who, by the way, have had and raised more than 90 percent of all children growing up in this society since at least the 1800's!) As Angel's story points out, you can't know what the circumstances are that surround that single mother, how she came to be so, and how she chooses to parent her children, so it's pointless - stupid really - to be foaming at the mouth about what a disservice single mothers are doing to boy-children and to the society.
Maybe the right question ought to be: what is it that single mothers need to raise happy, healthy well-adjusted children? The answer most surely does not require a man, or men, but community, resources, and love. How about those of you who are quite happy to judge women for their supposed failure to be "good mothers", begin acting like you really care about those children whose futures you are bemoaning here?
As for those quoting "sociological studies" (cause naturally, those are based on facts that can't be disputed), you should go back and read them, and pay special attention to what is causing what. Facts always need to be interpreted. And yes, those studies also say what will produce the desirable outcomes. Please quote that too!

Christine Rodney
3/3/2010

thanx Lee. Verna, i cant say i totally agree with your stance. yes we do know that:
a. there are twice as many single parent households as there are matrimonial homes,
b. many socially ept individuals (questionably successful in their personal lives as alluded by lee) stem from single parent households
However one must agree, that many disfunctional individuals stem from single parent homes, most of the young men in the streets, criminals, sex workers, drug abusers also stem from single parent homes. single parent in its truest sense does not necessarily mean that the child/children was brought up by a mother or father only, but that a mother or father figure was absent from ones life throughout the adolocent years. therefore the fact that many men and women are having multiple partners (perhaps not simultaneously) coming in and out of their child/childrens' lives, further proliferates this imbalanced single parent syndrome, which negatively impacts the lives of children and how they relate to the opposite sex, working and social environment in their adult years.
the fact is, many single mothers and fathers may desire to do their utmost best to rear a child on their own, whether or not this responsibility was thrusted upon them, but 7 out of 8 times the result is not optimal.
I am not saying that only homes with two parent present rear socially and emotionally ept individuals, but this is more desireable, and as best as we can encourage programs to help to keep families and homes together, the more balanced our society will be.
I am in no way encouraging women to stay in abusive relationships, definately not, but we cannot be led to believe that we can fulfil the role of the father in our kids lives. and in effect if as said before, the biological father is absent for some reason or another, it is our responsible to ensure that there is a male figure present. WOMEN ARE GREAT, BUT IN THE SAME MANNER WHERE MEN ARE NOT gods, WE ARNT EITHER.

Kim ARKIN
3/3/2010

i total agree with you Verna

Ms. Lee B.
3/2/2010

You know - the more I read this article and the comments I wonder what we mean by "success." Because some of the children who are passed off as a success are in FACT failures. Aside from the obvious, the following happens:
1) They often end up in a similar or worse home environment when they choose a partner;
2) They are unstable (move or change jobs for little or no reason);
3) The men are inclined to be emotionally immature and uncommitted;
4) Many of the women are course & hardened (I'm sorry, but it's true). This is primarily because these women have had to assume "masculine" roles. In our modern society we call this "strong" - in my parents generation these women would be considered brawling.
I could go on, but will stop there.

Ms. Lee B.
3/2/2010

Christine, wonderfully said!
I can't understand why ANY woman would think that she is satisfying all the emotional needs of her son. I know that when my body was going though the predicted hormonal changes my mother helped me tremendously. (And I'm a Daddy's girl). In dating, my father was the best to talk to - he knew the losers and the "grinds man" when he saw them!

Ms. Lee B.
3/2/2010

No child should be subject to verbal and physical abuse. I will NOT put up with that from any MAN (including my own husband). God forbid - we are not talking about these extra-ordinary women!
However, I lived in Jamaica where I HAVE seen MOTHERS lace profanity into every sentence to their child.
Some of us love to pretend that women can NEVER be terrible mothers. They can and some are! If we are honest we all know of many (and I mean MANY) women who REFUSE to let her child have anything to do with the fathers because the relationship between her and this man is over. And sometimes the men are really caring! But because she is the "mother" she think that she has full autonomy over her child.
I love my father to death! But he could NEVER explain all the stuff I need to know about my monthly cycle - and he's a Biology and Science Teacher! How much more my brothers - they DESERVE to have certain things explaind to them as well! It's OURTAGEOUS to think that a woman will have all the answers for her son!

Christine Rodney
3/2/2010

A mother cannot father, she may be able to provide most of the material things a father can provide, but not most of the emotional/physiological needs a child desires. The desire of having dad at school for boys day, or parent day, or buying dad a gift for father's day. Seeing all your friends with their fathers and wanting yours, are desires that a mother cannot fill.
I do believe the presence of a male figure does not have to be biological, but a child deserves to have this figure present.
In 'todays' world, the presence of the father can be the 'big' uncle or the mentor from the 'big brothers' group, and these figures can to a certain degree fulfill aspect of the traditional father role in the child's life.
I am not of the view that every child needs their biological father in their live, as we all know, many fathers are not the desirable role models we need, but indeed, children need the role of an authoritative loving, compassionate male figure in their live.
Call me traditional but the advent or rather the translucent lifestyle of many parents, has negatively impacted the adolescent and adult lifestyle of many individuals. In my opinion, balance perpetuates balance, and a balanced home encourages and perpetuates balanced relationships and lifestyle choices. A father/father figure contributes to creating and maintaining the principles of balance needed for the optimal development of individuals.

Verna Kitson
3/2/2010

On one hand, men are always optional in a family. If they don't actively contribute to the healthy wellbeing of the family when they are present, then women should ask them to leave.
On the other hand, what is best for raising children is the presence of at least two responsible adults, and they don't need to be a man and a woman, or even related to the child.
So, questioning whether women are raising children, especially boys "correctly" is really moot, since most men are neither interested nor willing to learn how to be a parent and a family person, and the men who are interested think they are supposed to rule the roost regardless of how incompetent they are. If that's the case, leave women alone and let us figure out how to raise their children. And if women would only get away from this idea that they really "need" a man in the house, they would figure out that sharing a household with another girlfriend and her children, and co-parenting that way is the best thing she could do for herself and her children.

Ms Kay
3/2/2010

I am currently a single mother. Children can be raised without a father. Some of you dont know how difficult it is to stay in verbal and physical abuse in a relationship. My daughter was afraid of my husband, her own father. My son adored my husband, because he encouraged the bad things. I saw the future, my son was going to become a terrible child and would take no talk from his mother because his father would back him and my daughter who is a very brilliant child would hate me for not granting her the request she asked - for us to leave so it can be peaceful and quiet. Now they are happy kids, they both tell me that they are happy daddy is not around with the badword cursing and all the bad things. Now you tell me, is that the right environment for a child to grow up in? Some of us dont want that but we have to face it. I didnt know I would live to see the day when my kids are being separated from one of their parent and my daughter now doing homework and stating that she is from a single parent family. It is sad, but it was the best thing for myself and my children. I think was thinking about divorce and was waiting for him to change, maybe giving his life to the lord so that he can be a better person, but nothing has changed which only leaves one option. The so called good father is now not supporting the children at all, he visits them when he feels like. This goes to show that he was a pretender all along, men can be pretenders for years. I am now happy and free from verbal and physical abuse. Thank God!

Ms. Lee B.
3/2/2010

Angel, I lift my hat off to you. Truly.
I am a woman from rural Jamaica and I know MANY women who had to struggle with their children because of worthless fathers. However, I also KNOW of women who do choose to become single parents. Look at the recent Ms. Jamaica contestant. She actually declared that she didn't need a man to raise her child (yes, this was in the print media). I know of many so called modern women who have taken this route - and so far it has been disastrous.
Statistics have proven that children who come from single parent homes are invariably more likely to become social miscreants. We need only to look at the stats from Rickers Island to prove that fact. Though admittedly - there are a few single parents who excel and do very well.

Also sometimes I wonder if a woman who chooses to have a child for a man who has 6 baby mothers if she is not actually CHOOSING to become a single parent. How could anyone be foolish enough to presume that this man will "mind" her child when he is not taking care of the ones he already brought into this world is one of the greatest mysteries in this world.

angel Nicoy
3/1/2010

I doubt any mother would choose to become a single parent. I am a single parent. My daughter is now 13. When her dad finds out that I was pregnant he was furious. He had high hopes of going to the US for a bigger and better life. So right there and then he wanted nothing to do with us. In her growing up she is loved by everyone she comes in contact with. She has a very high self-esteem, we talk about any and everything. A teacher at her high school recently asks me ‘what fades her’ I could not come up with an immediate answer. My daughter has a lot of male presents in her life all my brothers adores her and she is the world to her grandfather. Most women will do whatever it takes to ensure that her child is cared for and protected no matter what. I am one such woman.

Ms. Lee B.
3/1/2010

I cannot agree with any woman who chooses to be a single mother. The operative word here is "choose." I consider myself to be a modern woman. However, we need only to look at the decay in our society to see that this cannot and should not be the ideal.
Right here in the U.S. Sociologists have commented and presented facts to show that one of the reasons why there is a disproportionate amount of crime, teenage pregnancy, drug, and gang related crimes, is because most of these home have no MALE figure.
Why would any well thinking woman or man wish this HELL on their children.
If you were in a relationship that failed and that relationship produced children - take care of those children! Instead on having more than you can possibly maintain emotionally or financially!

Ms. Lee B.
3/1/2010

I cannot agree with any woman who chooses to be a single mother. The operative word here is "choose." I consider myself to be a modern woman. However, we need only to look at the decay in our society to see that this cannot and should not be the ideal.
Right here in the U.S. Sociologists have commented and presented facts to show that one of the reasons why there is a disproportionate amount of crime, teenage pregnancy, drug, and gang related crimes, is because most of these home have no MALE figure.
Why would any well thinking woman or man wish this HELL on their children.
If you were in a relationship that failed and that relationship produced children - take care of those children! Instead of having more than you can possibly maintain emotionally or financially!

Jade July
3/1/2010

My own mother was a single parent and she did a pretty good job my brothers and myself turned out great. Now I am a parent (not a single parent) I have to ask her how she did it. Its a hard job with both parents I raise my hat to all single parent

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