I am bothered by some information my wife shared with me three months ago. She confessed that she had a fling 10 years ago with my best friend while we were dating. She said it occurred when I was studying overseas for nine months and that she was overwhelmed with loneliness at the time. What hurts me most is that my best friend was my best man at our wedding and many of my friends were knowledgeable about the secret. I know that much time has elapsed, but I still feel betrayed. I find myself resenting her. I don't know if I can trust her anymore.
There is an idiom that says, 'What you don't know won't hurt you', which may have been applicable in your case. But the fact is that you are now made aware of the indiscretions of your wife that occurred 10 years ago and the information has caused you much emotional pain and hurt.
What your girlfriend at the time did was inexcusable despite her claim of loneliness. She certainly betrayed your trust and must take responsibility for her actions.
I am not sure how the disclosure was made, but regardless of how you became privy to the information you must decide if this news should factor in the present time. Throughout your marriage has your wife displayed any behaviour to suggest that she has or will be unfaithful? Could what occurred 10 years ago be considered a never-to-be repeated episode in her life that she truly regrets?
As much as you may not forget what took place then and how humiliated you might feel today, the question must be, are you prepared to forgive your wife and put the issue behind you where it should be? Rehashing and unearthing such unpleasant events will not advance the marital relationship especially if the marriage is going well.
Have a conversation with your wife expressing your feelings about the past event and then begin to refocus on the current situation. Hopefully your wife is understanding of your emotional state and assures you that there will never be a repeat of the past.
If, however, you find it difficult to recalibrate, then it is suggested that you see a counsellor as soon as possible. You may want to begin with individual sessions before your wife joins you for a couple's session.
I encourage you not to expend your time and energy on things you can't do anything about. Time is short so make good use of the time and continue to enjoy and cherish the good relationship you share with your significant other despite the discovered skeleton in her closet.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to firstname.lastname@example.org. Check his Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.