New girl wants to know her status

All Woman


DEAR COUNSELLOR,

My recent girlfriend of 10 months asked me if I love her more than I loved my ex-girlfriend of six years. I was with my ex from age 16 to 22. I am now 29. I have made it very clear that I have no desire to be with my ex and do not love her. If I had the chance to do it all again and for us to break up for me to meet this new girl, then I would.

My new girlfriend and I have been together for a short time, mostly long-distance. Am I wrong to feel that we are still new? I have told her that I want our love to grow and that I really see a future with her. I have never seen a future with anybody else, and I take this relationship very seriously. Please reply as quickly as possible, as her feeling of insecurity is killing us.

There is a natural tendency for the new girlfriend/boyfriend to compare him/herself with the previous person. They want to be convinced that there was closure on the previous relationship and that they will not have to compete for first place.

It is true that in some former relationships, even though they are terminated, the door is not locked but just closed, and so each partner still has unencumbered access to the other.

Regarding your former girlfriend, are you still communicating with her? If so, on what level? Are you both linking with each other regularly? Has she moved on, even though you might have?

One of the challenges you have is that you seem to be navigating a long-distance relationship, which complicates matters. It means that every moment you get you must keep reassuring your lady that she is indeed number one. You should use the technology to good effect and remain in close contact with her. Whenever you meet face to face, make those occasions very special. Be creative and innovative, cementing the relationship along the way.

Is there a short, mid, or long-term plan for both of you to be together? She will need to be reassured that the present situation will not continue indefinitely. You can appreciate her sense of insecurity in the relationship when she is only with you for short intervals. In her absence, she probably feels that you could be in touch with your ex who would have the edge, having known you much longer.

Trust and honesty must be the hallmark of the relationship. You must be honest with her and she must trust you. You must work twice as hard to secure this relationship, so give her no reason to distrust you and remain committed to the growth and development of the relationship.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.

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