One-night-stand worries

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WAYNE A POWELL MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, July 04, 2011

Dear counsellor,

I met and went out with a female friend. We enjoyed ourselves and had sex that same night. We continued for a while until it was appearing to be more serious than just sex. She would cook, do my laundry, clean and fulfil most of my requests. I just have a little problem with the way we started out and think that she will eventually do the same thing with other guys. I am planning to end the relationship. Do you think I should go, or should I stay and work on it?

It appears that what was meant to be a one-night stand is turning out to be a committed relationship. This was obviously not in the script you brought to the table and now you are confused or even startled by the new script that has unfolded.

It is said that some women offer sex to get love and so your friend may have come to the table with a script that spoke to a long-term relationship and companionship. She is obviously more interested in you as a person rather than in your body. Contrary to what some people believe, sex has the capacity to build emotional bonds between unsuspecting couples who engage in casual sex.

As you contemplate your decision to either stay or run, ask yourself the following questions:

Do I really care for this lady?

Am I ready to settle down in a committed relationship? Is it fair to label her as “cheap” because she gave in to my sexual advances on the first date?

Am I subscribing to the sexist stereotype that states that a girl can’t do what a guy does and still be a lady?

Does this lady truly care about my emotional needs or is she just interested in my physical attributes and financial capability?

Would I have just cause to terminate the relationship at this time?

Honestly respond to these questions and then make your decision.

However, if you are so wary of women who “let off” on the first encounter then try not to perpetuate this behaviour by engaging in onenight stands. Remember it takes two to tango.

A word of advice to men:

Be careful of double standards. Don’t go around trying to score on your first encounter with a lady and when she responds favourably you accuse her of being cheap.

A word of advice to women:

Some men still believe and are convinced that giving it up on the first encounter is tantamount to being loose, cheap and unladylike. If you do care about this perception you may want to postpone sexual intercourse until later.

Send questions to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.